Many parents are afraid to use the terms “vagina” and “penis” in front of their children. Still, using the right words with little ones has more benefits than hiding behind cute little names. We explain why with Catherine Verdier, psychologist.
When we are a parent, it is our duty to answer (almost) all of our children's questions. But when they wonder about their bodies, or their own sexuality, at a young age, it can be difficult to find the right words. Out of embarrassment, or out of fear of shocking the little one … even though a child has not yet understood what is a "taboo".
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In fact, in 2019, a British survey conducted by Eve Appeal, revealed that nearly one in two parents use euphemisms to talk about private parts, especially female, with their children. Or, childish terms (zézette, kiki, foufoune and even small flower for the best known) rather than an appropriate vocabulary (vagina, vulva, penis, etc.). An even more alarming observation for the female sexual organs: only 19% of the parents questioned use the word “vagina”, and 1% the word “vulva”. Worse, 22% of them admit to managing not to have to point out the private parts of their daughter. It must be said that no less than 31% believe that this anatomical terminology should not be used for at least 11 years.
However, the experts are mostly in agreement on the subject: it is necessary to use the exact vocabulary when talking about private parts with our kids. Already, because children are entitled to know the names of their sexual organs – they will hear it soon enough in the playground anyway. But also because it avoids installing a taboo, an embarrassment. Catherine Verdier, psychologist, therapist, analyst for children and adolescents and founder of psyfamille, explains why and how to use the right words.
"A head is a head. A vagina is a vagina "
Vagina, vulva, penis are not bad words, or forbidden words. It is a part of the body like any other and it must be named. This is why, according to the expert, it is better to use the exact words, as one might do with the head, arms or legs. “A penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina. I don't see why these parts would have another name ”, she says.
Using those little names to define a vagina or a penis in front of children masks something more serious than just the habit of saying pussy and penis: parents uncomfortable with sexual organs. "The use of these nicknames is often associated with the embarrassment parents have of saying these words in front of a little one, because it is felt that a child does not need to hear that. These names refer to adult sexuality and they are embarrassed to discuss it with children. Even though children only associate it with parts of the body, which is quite normal ", explains the specialist.
In addition, Catherine Verdier notes that the nicknames given are often not the same in all families. So, "When talking about it with classmates, the child may find it strange that adults are not up to date on the same subject. "
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The importance of using the right vocabulary
Using the right words to define private parts is essential for healthy child development. "If the vocabulary is not correct, it means that there is something taboo. And not using the right terminology can embarrass them later ”, warns the psychologist. The other risk is that the child will continue to define his private parts with nicknames as he grows up, and to be laughed at. “Any taboo subject comes back with violence a little later. We know that children understand things sometimes without knowing how to put words, so it is better to put in the right words right away ", she adds.
A child is very quickly fascinated by his body. Part of helping her recognize her genitals helps her understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of. In addition, in adolescence, “It will make the discovery of one's body and one's sexuality less embarrassing, less taboo. " He will be more alert to what is going on in his body at this point in his life and will not be afraid to talk about it because he will never have associated his private parts with a taboo.
Learn the prohibited gestures
When we talk about prohibited acts with our children (incest, sexual violence, etc.), not teaching them the right words can be harmful to them. " Private parts should not be given nicknames because the child needs to know the real words. If the child uses nicknames when recounting the assault or rape, it may not be taken seriously in court. Children need to know what a vagina and penis are called, so that they can better recognize prohibited gestures and can talk about them. This is all the more essential as the adult will play with this vocabulary to make the child believe that he has done something else to him, that he has just "tickled" him ", Homayra Sellier, founder and president of the "Innocence in danger" association, explained to us. It is very important to instill in them the notion of consent, and to explain to them that no one, even their parents, has the right to touch their private parts without their permission.
Read also: Incest: how to learn the gestures prohibited to our children?
How to talk about it?
Many parents dread talking about it with their children, especially because they find them too young. Still, age is not a problem. For Catherine Verdier, we must above all let them ask the question and not push it away when it arrives. “Long before the age of three, children know that boys and girls are different. So from the moment he starts asking questions, you have to answer very frankly, very directly ”, she recommends. Before concluding : “Adjust to the age of the child, they don't necessarily need a biological exposure. For parents who are very embarrassed, having difficulty talking about it, they can use little books to approach the issue. The smaller the children and the more we use the correct vocabulary, the less we are ashamed to pronounce these words. "
There are indeed several books to talk about private parts and sexuality with your children. You can use these two books as supports:
Or leave these books at their disposal: