Since relationships have existed, people (probably) have affairs too. The legitimate question arises: why? We asked in our community – and got great answers!
Some people eat fast food knowing that it is not good for them. Others refuse to accept help they urgently need. Still others hold onto relationships that get them bogged down. We cannot always understand at a glance what we are all doing. We can only try – or accept that there are reasons we don't know.
When it comes to affairs, we often don't have much else to do. Couples therapists like Eric Hegmann can tell helpful things about typical backgrounds and motivations of affairs. But something remains difficult for most to understand: Why do people cheat or get involved with someone who has been forgiven, when they know exactly that as a result a third person is betrayed and deeply hurt?
We asked our communitywhether our users can understand that people enter into affairs – and get a lot of great answers! Some have shared their own experiences with cheating and cheating, others have shared their attitudes and feelings about the matter with us. We would like to thank everyone for their enriching contributions – you are great! ❤️
From all the answers we have selected nine that we would like to share here again with the kind permission of the respective person – among other things, to make us all aware: Especially with a topic like affair, the connections are never just black and white and there are numerous, sometimes completely different views and perspectives. In order to avoid duplication and to sharpen the views a bit, we have shortened some of the posts here – if you want to get a complete picture, please have a look at the thread in our Brigitte Community.
What does it mean to have an affair – voices from our community
1. Most of all, having an affair is cheating on yourself
"Before looking for 'apparent happiness' in an affair in a relationship that no longer makes me happy, I would rather break up. For me, it would mainly be a betrayal of myself and my values." (Glasmurmel60, please have a look at our Brigitte Community for a full article!)
2. Cheaters have serious problems
"I can understand that you have a crush on strangers, that a relationship comes to a point where you reconsider it or just not (anymore) happy. Everything is human. The only question is: How do I deal with it?
Having an affair is the easiest way to avoid having to work on the real problem. But for me it is not an adult company. Neither with yourself nor with your partner.
In my opinion, there is no longer any justification for longer (secret) affairs. Those who cannot tidy up in their life and act like this act similarly cowardly in other situations.
Get rid of the secrecy and 9 out of 10 affairs are over in a very short time. Affairs live from daydreams, an escape from the dreary everyday life. But those who make their everyday lives dreary have completely different problems. They can't be solved by a little fiddling in the hotel. At least not permanently. "(Rantalinen, please see our Brigitte Community for a full article!)
3. Married people have a special charm
“As a single male, I had an affair with a married woman for five years decades ago. The ending almost killed me, but I survived.
For at least a young person, married affair partners can be very attractive. Because married people, regardless of whether they are men or women, operate from a safe haven. You are more confident. You have experience. You can live two lives separately. That makes them fascinating. "(Marcus Opellius)
4. Anyone who gets involved in an affair has a lack of self-confidence – and courage
"I think that when you, as an unbound person, get involved in an affair with someone who has been forgiven, it often has two mainsprings:
- You want to prove to yourself that you are "better" and "can get" the forgiven person
- Avoidance tactic – fear of really getting involved, and because of the affair person's relationship status, the danger is not so great.
If you get involved in an affair as a forgiven person, the mMn has in most cases to do with the fact that something is missing in the relationship. Be it physical, emotional, emotional, communicative, confirmation or a mixture of several or even all factors. But instead of trying to remedy this situation or, if in doubt, separate, one takes refuge in an affair. In my experience, shying away from separation often happens for the wrong reasons. Convenience, "false" sense of responsibility that partner doesn't want to hurt (and only make it worse that way).
Can I understand people like that? No not more. There are other ways to resolve this situation. Of course, this requires, among other things of self-reflection. And courage. "(Bliblablupp84)
5. There is no excuse for an affair
"I can't understand the cheaters and I only feel sorry for the cheated (and their families). I've also never cheated .. first I would end a relationship properly and then start something new .. as it should be" "(Aurora18)
6. There are worse things than infidelity
"I've always wondered why people take sexual loyalty so seriously. It was never important to me and I would never promise loyalty to anyone. I now know that there are people who feel terribly hurt by infidelity, and that is the reason why I would probably no longer sleep with a married or otherwise connected person, but I still can't really understand it.
By the way: my partner has hurt me a lot several times in almost thirty years of relationship. It never had anything to do with loyalty. Maybe there are longstanding relationships in which one never hurts the other, but personally I don't know any. Why is that? Because sometimes two people have different needs and priorities in a situation. If you accept that, it is easier to avoid taking injuries as a personal offense.
Maybe it would be different if a partner intentionally hurt me. I guess then I would go. But most injuries probably happen accidentally. "(Cariad)
7. Affair okay – but long-term cheating is not an option
"I can understand that people get involved in an affair. But only to a limited extent. When everything in the relationship is just splashing around and suddenly someone else comes along who clicks. Then one of the partners may quickly get into an affair Slipped in. What I can't understand is that he then remains in it. That he doesn't break up immediately, preferably before the actual deception occurs. I don't like such people deeply. " (Sintonia)
8. Affair is an additional goodie – and, thanks to the Internet, easy to get
"Of course there is suddenly an encounter and it goes bang, you forget everything around you and are simply free from everyday life. Someone who is wanted and wanted without legacies, it tingles and butterflies everywhere. I can totally understand …
But the internet has given the affair a completely different status. When I see all these opportunities on fling sites and free dating sites are active, consciously looking for an affair. Both by men and women!
This rethinking of wanting to keep the relationship at home and still let someone else into your life has got quite a lot of people moving. It has become easier with the current communication options …
It's about feeling something again, sexually as well as emotionally, regardless of the life situation, just being able to be me …
I'm currently living the third affair in my life, the first was seven years, the second about four months, the third is now about nine months, but it won't last long for various reasons … "(Veranoazul, for please have a look at our Brigitte Community!)
9. Affairs bring nothing but suffering and grief – for everyone involved
"From 1976 to 1979 I had a relationship with a married man, he wanted to get a divorce, he also got a divorce, two children. When he was divorced, I was no longer interested in him. I always tried to get him to do it to go back to his wife when I was 22 years old and had no idea about life.
I have run away from married men since I had the experience. I have no interest in secrecy, I have no interest in whining about wives and marriage, I am no savior. If you want to cheat, you should look for someone else, I am not available for that.
I can only regret anyone who gets involved with a married man or woman. Apart from grief, the person has nothing left of life.
I don't care what people do, I don't have an open ear for this situation. I don't care who puts or gets what in where. Everyone has to come to terms with himself. I wouldn't want to know from my husband either. I'm not jealous and I don't like spying. At some point they will give themselves away, there is no need to search. "(Linsemo, please have a look at our Brigitte Community for the full article!)
Video tip: According to the study, this is the most important reason for an affair