The term tiger parent may seem childish, and yet it represents a real danger to the development of their children. What is a tiger parent and how does it impact their child’s life? We take stock with Elena Goutard, parental and family coach.
An education the hard way, but harmful consequences for the child. In 2011, author Amy Chua theorized the concept of the tiger parent in her book titled “Mother Tiger’s Battle Hymn”, published by Gallimard editions. A book in which she explained why she did not want to educate her children “in the West”, a model too permissive and doomed to failure according to her. The mother of the family recounted having chosen to reproduce the Chinese education given to her by her parents. Or the race for excellence, through severity, hard work and discipline.
If for the lawyer, the goal was to see her children succeed at all costs, her educational method sparked controversy. Many have indeed criticized the child’s lack of pleasure and listening. It must be said that today we are in an era where positive and benevolent parenthood is a priority. Several studies have shown that a strict upbringing can have consequences on the development of the child. The most recent, published in the journal Development and Psychology March 22, attests in particular that the severity of the parents would have the same effects on the brains of the children as sexual abuse. In question, the high level of anxiety of the children having followed an education the hard way.
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While it is important to remember that each family is different and that each educates their child as they wish – there is no perfect model of education – tiger parents can represent a danger for the development of the child. What is their impact on family life and what may be the consequences for the child? Answers with Elena Goutard, family and parental coach.
What exactly is a tiger parent?
For the expert, the tiger parent is the reverse of the hen parent. “He puts excessive pressure on the child, his education style is authoritarian. He is very demanding, rigid, strict and severe. Sometimes, he can even be not very warm and affectionate ”, she explains. Before adding: “In the mind of this parent, success takes precedence over everything, and in particular the happiness and well-being of the child. For him, the only way to do it is with severity and control, with education the hard way. “
In order for the child to be successful, the tiger parent will often enroll him in many extracurricular activities or private lessons. “Often, he overestimates the capacities of his child, and tends to treat him like an adult”, she continues. Elena Goutard, however, wishes to clarify that the intentions of this type of parents are always noble: they are convinced to act for the good of their children. “That’s why it’s hard to get them to change their minds. In addition, if the child shows performance or excels in a field, it will strengthen the belief of the parent “, she says.
The child will not have the same leisure time as other children of his age. Smartphones, video games and even cartoons are forgotten. Tiger parents favor activities that will educate their offspring, such as museum visits, language lessons or even piano lessons every day. The child must also respect the rules, under penalty of being penalized.
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But why does the tiger parent behave like this?
The tiger parent often replicates the education he received. “Especially if she succeeded”, says the coach. But sometimes this behavior also comes from the anxieties and worries felt by the father or mother of the child. “If he himself was confronted with precariousness or a traumatic event in his childhood, he will try to overprotect his child and give him all the cards in hand for him to succeed. Often, parents do not have the link between the two, and you have to do some work on yourself to understand where it comes from ”, she says. Many of these parents are under pressure and hope for social and professional success for their children, especially if they themselves have failed.
What consequences for the child?
“There is a whole facet of the child that is neglected, many needs that are dismissed, such as the need for rest or movement. There is no free time, moments of boredom or play. The child lives in an almost permanent state of stress, he develops a certain mental load. He is deprived of his childhood. There is no freedom of expression, the child’s opinion is not taken into account and his future is already mapped out. This is a unilateral dialogue ”, explains the specialist.
As you will have understood, the consequences of such an education can be harmful, as Elena Goutard affirms:
- The child has a great lack of self-confidence: he has not had the opportunity to express himself on a daily basis, he will repress his identity a little bit and most of the time, wait for directives before acting.
- He is afraid of his parent: he knows that he must meet his expectations and that he will be penalized if he deviates from the right path.
- He will start to lie, to cheat, so as not to disappoint the parent.
- He lives with a feeling of guilt: his needs are in contradiction with the expectations of his parents.
- He is distressed and develops anxiety.
- The child burns out because his schedule is too busy and his mental load is too important.
“Growing up, the child will either continue in this abnegation and submission, or he will rebel and there will be a lot of conflicts with the parent”, warns the expert, “The latter will not understand, in his head, he will tell himself that he has done everything for his child and that he has no thanks. ”
According to our interlocutor, the consequences of this severity can also appear later. In adolescence, young people can develop addictive behaviors, eating disorders or even emotional ones. “The problem is that at this stage, we will not necessarily make the link with the education he received”, she adds.
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A complicated awareness
As explained above, it is difficult to prove to tiger parents that they are tiger parents. “They have the impression of doing well, that their child is capable”, indicates the coach.
However, it is necessary that they become aware of it for the well-being of the child, but also for their relationship with the latter. “We have to open our eyes to what true happiness in children is. All this work can be done with an expert, but the parent still has to agree to be accompanied ”, she says.
If you’re worried about getting there, Elena Goutard advises watching your child, asking yourself the right questions. How is he ? Does he come to confide in me? Is he lying to me? Does he express his opinions? Is he happy? Does he have enough free time? Does he have any friends?
If you have any doubts about the number of activities to which it is registered, do not hesitate to put everything in a diary. “It can be revealing and show the parent that the child’s schedule is overloaded,” she continues. The specialist also recommends discussing the child’s true abilities with the teacher, to see where he needs support and where it isn’t.