Fulmwit’s greatest wish was to finally have a grandmother. The four-year-old and her mother Qdusan Debru lived in Zuzgen in the canton of Aargau in 2020, all other family members in East Africa, in Eritrea. Fulmwit had sporadic contact with them, but only on the phone, says her mother. But the girl didn’t have her own “Grosi” like her friends in kindergarten.
Qdusan Debru wanted to fulfill her daughter’s wish of having a grandmother. She asked a friend if she knew someone who could imagine spending time with Fulmwit. Her friend went looking.
Caring for someone else’s child
Rosmarie Hürner lived alone at the time. She had just lost her husband and then her dog. She had no children of her own. “It was a time when I had to reorient myself,” says Hürner. Until, completely unexpectedly, the phone rang.
I realized that I would like to be there for a child.
An acquaintance from the village, Qdusan Debru’s friend, asked Hürner whether she could imagine accompanying a child who lives in an asylum home, as a godmother, so to speak. Rosmarie Hürner didn’t have to think for long: “I realized that I would like to be there for a child.”
Legend:
Mother Qdusan Debru with daughter Fulmwit and Rosmarie Hürner.
SRF
Hürner agreed – under one condition. She wanted the sponsorship to be managed by an organization. If something were to happen, the organization could support it.
This is how they came up with the sponsorship project «with me” from Caritas Aargau. After some discussions, Caritas organized a meeting. If things go well, nothing should stand in the way of sponsorship.
At first Fulmwit stood still and looked at me. Then suddenly she ran towards me with open arms.
Hürner can still remember the first meeting well. Together with a Caritas representative, she met Qdusan Debru and the then four-year-old girl for a walk. “Fulmwit, that would be your ‘Grosi’,” said the Caritas representative.
«First Fulmwit stood still and looked at me. Then she suddenly ran towards me with open arms and held me tight,” remembers Hürner. It quickly became clear: the two fit together.
Rosmarie Hürner sits at the dining table in her apartment, next to her is seven-year-old Fulmwit. The first meeting was now over three and a half years ago. Since then, she has looked after the girl once a week and several times during the holidays. Fulmwit initially called Hürner Grandma, now “Grosi”.
The Caritas support has long since ended; after two years, the sponsor and the family can decide for themselves whether they want to continue to stay in touch. In the case of Rosmarie Hürner, Fulmwit and Qdusan Debru the case was clear.
Legend:
When it rains, Rosmarie Hürner and Fulmwit paint together. When the weather is nice, they like to go to the playground,
SRF
Hürner watches the girl as she dips a brush into the watercolor and strokes it over a sheet of paper. The two often paint together, go to the playground or occasionally to the zoo. How grandparents do it with their grandchildren. Rosmarie Hürner smiles when she says: “Fulmwit is like a real grandchild to me.”
I feel very comfortable when Fulmwit is with Rosmarie.
Qdusan Debru is also happy that Rosmarie Hürner and her daughter have found each other. On the one hand, her daughter finally has someone to care for other than herself. “I feel very comfortable when Fulmwit is with Rosmarie,” says Debru.
On the other hand, the “Grosi” is also a relief for Debru. She is a single mother and works in a hotel in Basel. Sometimes she has less time for her daughter than she would like.
Grandparents are becoming more and more important
Grandparents are becoming increasingly important, says François Höpflinger, emeritus sociology professor and aging researcher. Not just in Switzerland, but across Europe. Because many grandparents are involved in caring for children. According to estimates, the economic value of grandparent care in Switzerland is around eight billion francs per year.
“At the same time, we have noticed that the quality of the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren has improved significantly over the last 20 to 30 years,” says Höpflinger.
According to the aging researcher, this is due to the fact that the relationship between adult children and their parents has tended to improve: “There are also more and more grandparents who are healthy and mobile and who actively engage with their grandchildren.”
“Grosi” doesn’t have to be related by blood
As with Rosmarie Hürner and Fulmwit Debru, grandparents and grandchildren do not necessarily have to be related by blood. As part of his research, Höpflinger examined who belongs to the family from the children’s point of view: “In addition to the family dog, teachers or neighbors can also belong to the family, and therefore also relatives by choice.”
According to François Höpflinger, however, there are also stumbling blocks when it comes to elective kinship. On the one hand, he mentions cultural differences: “If the family has a different origin, is Muslim, of course you can’t serve pork.” You also have to pay attention to the age of your grandchildren. Depending on the situation, the child has different needs.
Two cultures meet
For Rosmarie Hürner and the Debru family, cultural differences are not a problem. Hürner is part of the family and also takes part in traditional festivals. “Not only do I show Fulmwit Swiss culture, for example while eating, but I also learn a lot about Eritrea,” says Hürner.
Qdusan Debru even gave her an Eritrean robe, which she always wears when she is invited to a party.
Legend:
Qdusan Debru is happy to have loanee Rosmarie Hürner. As a single mother, she has less time for her daughter than she would like.
SRF
A friendship has now also developed between “Grosi” and his mother. “It was important to me from the start that I also had a connection to Fulmwit’s mother,” says Hürner. When she picked up Fulmwit from home, she often stayed for tea.
For Hürner, Debru is like a daughter. Debru agrees: “I have no secrets and can tell her everything. Rosmarie is a friend and also like a mother.”
“Grosi” for a while?
However, what distinguishes elective kinship and consanguinity: “You have biological grandparents until death, and elective grandparents for a limited period of time,” says aging researcher Höpflinger. Many sponsorships would end at some point.
What will happen next for Rosmarie Hürner and her adopted family remains to be seen. Qdusan Debru would like to move, but she can’t find an apartment in Zuzgen (AG) that fits her budget. It could be that she and her daughter will move away from Zuzgen one day: “Then we would see Rosmarie less often.” However, Debru does not think that contact with her would be lost.
Legend:
Rosmarie Hürner is no longer just a loanee for Fulmwit. The two have a close bond with each other.
SRF
Hürner has also thought about the future. She is satisfied with the current situation. But she also knows that during puberty the “big thing” may no longer be as popular. “I know that I can let go of Fulmwit again, but I will always be interested in her as long as she wants me to.”