when the parent does not get involved enough, causing the discomfort of his child

While raising a child is not easy – and everyone does what they can – certain parenting styles are nonetheless dangerous for the well-being of children. This is particularly the case with disengaged parenthood. These parents, also called “chameleon parents”, do not get involved enough or not at all in the life of their child. Beyond a physical absence, there is an emotional lack: the child does not receive the affection he needs. He grows up with little supervision and is either the responsibility of a third party (grandparents, nanny, etc.), or left to himself. This lack of commitment to the child can have harmful consequences on their development. What are the risks and how can you reconnect with your child? We take stock with Elena Goutard, parental and family coach.

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Video by Clara Poudevigne

What is a disengaged parent?

“It is a parent who disengages from his role of parent and his relationship with his child. He is also a parent who has other priorities and who has difficulty finding his place and feeling like a parent. He is someone who cannot offer the two pillars that are necessary for the child to grow well: the need for love and affection and the need for a firm and clear framework. The child is left to himself at the emotional level, he has no structure or routine ”, explains the expert.

According to her, the child is often seen as a constraint. Unfortunately, “It’s a little bit of a vicious circle, because the less time we spend with the child, the less we know him and the less pleasure we take in his presence and the less we want to invest and engage in the relationship. “

Why such behavior?

One might think, for example, that a parent is withdrawing from his role because he did not want a child or that he was not ready. However, for the coach, if this can happen, it is not the only reason for her disengagement and other factors must be taken into account. “Even if the baby arrives by surprise, the birth of the child often awakens a parental instinct that allows you to quickly acquire the skills necessary to raise the child. But if the parent was not well in his life, indeed the birth may not be welcome and the parent may find it difficult to love this child ”, she explains.

Whether we wanted this child or not, several reasons can lead to disengagement. According to the specialist, this can be linked to health problems, money, alcoholism, drug addiction or even emotional problems. The parent can choose to put their worries and personal life ahead of the well-being of their child and their relationship with them. Others may also make their career a priority and relegate the child to the background. “The most common reason for me is the parent who himself did not receive enough love and affection as a child, and did not receive a frame. He had one or more disengaged parents and he cannot offer what he did not receive ”, she continues. He reproduces the pattern he knew.

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What are the consequences for the child?

Such behavior can have harmful consequences for the child. And this, from an early age. A child needs to feel loved and reassured. But also to feel that the house is a cocoon of safety, full of warmth and love. “Not receiving affection or attention from a parent or parents is very insecure for a child. He lives with this almost permanent feeling of insecurity and may find it difficult to rely on someone in the future or to give his trust, because he will not have been able to count on his parent ”, says the specialist. She adds : “If the child tries to communicate with his parent and receives nothing in return, it can cause problems with socialization. He will no longer seek to communicate and he will find it difficult to create a social bond with other people, because this emotional base will not have been established. When there are many lacks at all levels and we grow up with these lacks, it is difficult to give something that we do not have. “

Consequences on social relations therefore, but not only. It can also affect the mental and physical health of the child, explains Elena Goutard. He can develop:

• Attachment disorders: difficulty bonding or, conversely, becoming attached to anyone the moment you receive attention (this can lead to toxic relationships)
• Developmental delay: if, for example, we speak little to a baby, he may have delays in terms of language, motor skills
• Psychic trauma due to this neglect
• Problems with self-esteem, a feeling of rejection: “if people don’t love me, it’s because I don’t deserve it”
• Behavioral disorders (opposition, delinquency)
• Anxiety and stress
• Trust issues

Parental disengagement can also lead to dropping out of school and delay in learning. And for good reason, “To learn well and be focused, it is necessary that our basic needs are well met, that the level of stress is very low and that we feel good”, she says.

What if you are a disengaged parent?

The first thing is to recognize it, which can be quite difficult since this type of parent is often in denial. “If we can really understand it, we must seek help, talk to his doctor so that he refers us to a psychologist or directly make an appointment with a specialist”, advises the expert. It is also possible to join associations or discussion groups to discuss and get by.

“When you realize your disengagement, the first thing to do is to think about the well-being of the child. If you know you can’t handle it, you have to find someone to do it. It can be relatives, grandparents or even a temporary foster family. I take care of myself, I try to get by and little by little and I restore my relationship with my child ”, she explains. Before warning: “When you start to get out of it, you have to be careful not to become ambivalent, that is to say, one day to be close to the child and the other to be disengaged in the relationship again. It is dangerous for the child, because he is in the dark and does not understand. It becomes extremely complicated for him. “

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How to reconnect with the child?

For the expert, the biggest difficulty in reconnecting with a child is that you have to want to. Depending on the age of the child, it will be more or less easy. “If the child is still small, we will try to spend time with him, to awaken the instinct that makes this role of parent so beautiful. We can easily have quality moments with him, for example by creating appointments when waking up or at bedtime ”, recommends the coach. “If the child is already older, we can have a discussion with him to explain to him in simple words why we have been like this and that we are trying to get out of it. You have to make him understand that it is not his fault. The luck that we have is that a child forgives easily ”, she continues.

In any case, you have to go step by step, because catching everything all at once can be very complicated. The child may also reject the parent, not wanting to do things with him or to communicate. “It’s a reaction of defense, of protection. At that point, you should not take things personally and not respond, but just tell him that we understand him and that he will be given the time he needs. We must restore its confidence and avoid 100% negative exchanges “, she says.

Before embarking on the “reconquest of your child”, the important thing is to be well and to trust yourself. “If the parent is well, he will have more resources to take care of the child and the more time he will spend with him, the more it will become fluid and he will find pleasure in his relationship”, concludes Elena Goutard.