Why do we always get angry with our spouse?

Getting angry is normal. But why is it so easy to get carried away? A study conducted by INSEE recently revealed that arguments increased in the couple during the first confinement in France. The result is unlikely to surprise you. It is high time to address this problem! Claire Dahan, psychologist, psychotherapist and coach answers us.

The importance of knowing yourself

“It is not a question of trust either in the partner or in oneself. It is above all a question of communication. ” According to Claire Dahan, you communicate better if you have a good knowledge of yourself. Self-knowledge allows us to know how to express our needs and expectations, but also our limits. This makes it easier to know how far you can go and what you can give. In addition to listening, it is important to have benevolent communication with your partner. This is learned through work on oneself.

Lack of communication can be fatal

Claire Dahan explains to us that the parental model can play a role when we grow up in a home full of aggressiveness and impulsiveness. But getting angry easily happens even when you have evolved in a serene environment. It is first and foremost a problem of frustration and lack of communication. For the psychologist, this is also why we often hear in marital disputes: “but you understand nothing”. We find it very difficult to express our needs and we tend to confuse requests with complaints. If we lack attention, we are not going to say, “I want attention.” but “You don’t pay me attention!”.

We also find it difficult to formulate what makes us feel good by making clear requests. We do not explain our wishes well. Returning to the example of attention, a person may feel frustrated by what they call a lack of attention because for them, attention comes from the fact that the other comes home earlier from work. While for the other, it comes as an occasional gift. It may also be the result of an accumulation of worries at work, in family or otherwise, that one does not express. In this case we get angry with our partner involuntarily.

Arguments increased during the first confinement

During the first confinement, in March 2020, an INSEE study noted that disputes have increased, in particular among couples living in overcrowded housing or with children. On average, 13% of all people in a couple said they argued more than usual during the first lockdown, compared to 19% of people in a couple in overcrowded housing and 18% with 3 or more children. Why does confinement impact our life as a couple so much? For Claire Dahan, with teleworking, there is no longer any separation between work and married life. We no longer have time to miss each other and tell each other about our days in the evening, during reunions. It is also a matter of frustration with the fact of doing less activities that can serve as ventures, whether they are sporting or creative.

Remedies to stop getting angry with each other

Getting angry often is not the sign of separation. The coach explains to us that for some couples, it is a means of communication. On the other hand, indifference is a marker of separation. If our partner no longer takes the trouble to listen to you or respond, the separation could ring the doorbell. To avoid it, solutions must be put in place. In the short term, Claire Dahan offers to spend quality time with our spouse. You have to set aside time to share good times, pay attention to the other and take the time to listen. Partners should only avoid crossing each other.

In the long term, it is important to spot signs of anger in order to apprehend them and bring it down. Breathing exercises can help us focus on our breath and get our emotions through. According to the psychologist, we must learn to communicate and express our emotions since saying what we feel is wrongly perceived as a sign of vulnerability. Things that are not taught in our school programs.

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Video by Benjamine Rombhot