why does the orgasm not come?

Anorgasmia refers to the inability to reach orgasm, despite the desire and the pleasure experienced. This disorder affects about 7% of women. What are the causes ? And how to (re) find the way to 7th heaven? We take stock.

In a society where orgasm is the idealized goal of sex, failing to come can be very difficult. This absence of orgasm called anorgasmia affects around 7% of women according to a 2014 survey conducted by Ifop. Many causes can explain this disorder, but rest assured, anorgasmia is not inevitable and is often transient.

When the orgasm doesn't kick in

Anorgasmia means "The absence of the onset of orgasm, when sexual stimulation is adequate, and when sexual desire and arousal are present", explains Marjorie Cambier, clinical psychologist and sex therapist. "It's a relatively common sexual dysfunction."

There are different types:

  • Theprimary anorgasmia, present since the start of sexual activity
  • Thesecondary anorgasmia, which occurs after a sexually satisfactory period, or following another sexual dysfunction (pain during penetration for example)
  • Thepartial anorgasmia, when it only occurs following a certain type of stimulation or situation (only during penetration for example)
  • Thetotal anorgasmia, when it occurs in all types of stimulation or in all situations (penetration, caresses, masturbation, alone, in pairs, etc.)

Anorgasmia, dysorgasmia, frigidity: what are the differences?

This condition should not be confused with frigidity, which is usually secondary to anorgasmia. Consisting of an absence of desire and sensuality, frigidity is much rarer than anorgasmia, a blockage of ecstasy. As for dysorgasmia, it "Corresponds to a difficulty in the onset of orgasm, or sometimes even a painful orgasm, and this when the sexual stimulation is adequate, and that desire and arousal are present", says Marjorie Cambier.

What are the causes of anorgasmia?

The causes of anorgasmia are multiple and can be medical, psychosexological, conjugal or psycho-social:

  • Psycho-sexological causes:
    Letting go disorder, sexual trauma, ignorance of one's body and its functioning, mental disorders such as anxiety or depression, strict education or religion, other sexual dysfunction such as pain (dyspareunia, vaginismus) that prevent the onset of Orgasm.
  • Medical causes:
    Taking psychotropic drugs, contraceptive pills, drugs or alcohol, endometriosis, cancers of the perineal sphere involving oncological treatments such as radiotherapy or surgery.
  • Conjugal causes:
    Discrepancy in the sexual responses of partners who have trouble getting along, conflicts within the couple, mutual ignorance.
  • Psycho-social causes:
    Pressure induced by societal injunctions concerning sexuality, search for performance …

What to do in case of anorgasmia?

In cases where sex causes blockages, it is advisable to consult a sex therapist to understand the ins and outs of this disorder. If the problem comes from a lag in sexual responses (in a heterosexual couple for example when the man's orgasm occurs before the female orgasm), it may be interesting to start this sex therapy together. "There are methods and exercises to adapt each person's sexual response, and communication within the couple is essential to know what each one likes, how, etc.", specifies the sex therapist. "Finally, it is important to get out of the injunction of simultaneous orgasm (which constitutes an additional pressure for the couple!), And it is also necessary to realize that the sexual relation is not obliged to stop when one of the partners has enjoyed, they can completely enjoy one after the other … ", she adds. This work done with a professional will help you detach yourself from societal injunctions. “Orgasmic enjoyment does not necessarily have to be considered the holy grail of intercourse. We can indeed have a lot of pleasure and a very satisfying sexuality, without enjoying each report ”.

We must have repeated it to you, it is nevertheless true: if there is indeed a secret to reaching an orgasm, it is not to think about it and to enjoy what is happening there, now. " The more we are obsessed with this orgasm that does not or does not come as we want, the more it escapes us! ", notes Marjorie Cambier. “The key is to stay in your sensations, to let yourself be carried away by them, without expecting anything from them. Orgasm can only occur in a relaxed body, so the more we focus on the coming, the less it emerges! It is to let go, in short, and accept that we do not control everything (and especially not the occurrence of his orgasm …) "
Another way to find the way to 7th heaven: masturbation. Touching yourself, discovering yourself, getting to know your own sexual response, it's the best way to know what you like and what works.

Thanks to Marjorie Cambier, clinical psychologist and sex therapist, sexopsy-cambier.com