BRIGITTE.de reader Hanna Schiller has looked for a sperm donor. Her desire to have children was too great to remain unfulfilled. In this article and the video interview by RTL North she tells why she is so open about it.
“Children not included”
It could have been something with the model family. In my early 30s I am deeply in love and already see myself implementing my plan A with father, mother and child. The only obstacle was that I skipped over the small print on the new man: children not included.
When he tells me that becoming a father doesn’t fit into his concept of life, something in me dies.
I feel powerless, want to shake him up and make him see his senses. But what is the point of persuading someone to have a child ?!
For a few years together I even believe that I am probably not made to be a mum and that it is fate to meet exactly the man who is the only one who does not have children on his wish-list.
My inner countdown is counting down
Until my inner countdown, ticking out loud, reminds me that my fertility has an expiration date. Suddenly I only see pregnant couples, become terribly dissatisfied and feel left behind.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” friends comfort me. The umpteenth time I only hear “worries”. And I’ll do that for myself. Others find it difficult to understand me, they have their families or they don’t want one. But I’m missing something. Someone. Because there is this gap in the heart that no man can fill either.
My farewell to the classic family image
It becomes painful: separation, therapy, traveling through Europe and to myself. But everything has its meaning, because I don’t want to expect a child to be a mom who is not enough for herself. I don’t want the little creature to serve only for an ego trip because his mom has the feeling of missing out on something without a child.
With every step I take now, I feel freer, more confident, and more confident that I want a baby. And that I would even be strong enough to do it on my own.
I can’t and I don’t want to trust that the next man will be a direct hit. I’m a slow-motion lover. Need forever for the fluttering of the heart and especially for love. Plus, I would always stare at him with my I want a child eyes while I scan him for paternity. And that would be pretty unfair.
That’s why I’m gradually saying goodbye to my image of having to have a classic family. That takes a lot of workload and makes me open to alternatives. I find out about co-parenting, adoption and finally about sperm donation, a still sensitive topic in Germany, especially for singles who want to have children.
© Iri Kirova
I am preparing to be a single parent
The longer I grapple with voluntarily becoming a single mom – called Single Mom by Choice or Choice Mom in American – the stronger my decision becomes: I’ll have a child on my own. No more trace of doubt, fear or shame. I’m really looking forward to this step, which will mess up my life.
I’m saving even more than I already have, moving into a condominium, getting rid of emotional baggage and looking for supporters. Thanks to flexible colleagues and bosses, I can adapt my job to the circumstances, quit early, work in the home office or take a day off completely.
The cornerstones are in place. The only thing missing is implementation. Because, of course, it doesn’t work entirely without male material.
The search for the aha man
I spend hours in the online catalog of sperm banks scouring donor profiles for the aha man. Compared to a potential partner, a sperm donor has a much easier game with me because I use fewer criteria than when looking for a partner.
The most important points for me: Does he look nice? Is he mostly healthy?
Whether we would also fit together in real life is not in the room and therefore makes the donor tinder wonderfully effortless, because the whole process of getting to know each other is completely eliminated.
Still, it takes a few weeks to find the perfect donor for me.
Am i doing the right thing?
I make my first attempt to get pregnant with a squeaky heart in Denmark, where singles can easily get treatment. Logistically a challenge, because my ovulation does not want to stick to its usual time frame and makes travel and hotel planning a tricky business.
Mentally, I fluctuate between deep relaxation and hysteria until the result of the pregnancy test. So much depends on this first attempt: money, time and an enormous hope.
The negative result then knocks me out and makes me doubt whether my decision is the right one. How many treatments can I even afford if I don’t want to start my pregnancy broke in the end? And how can I emotionally cope with all of this when the next attempts are just as difficult?
I talk to my mom, who says to me, “Assume that you will need at least ten treatments. Then we’ll see. ”
This helps. And encourages me not to put my wish for my own child aside. How could I, with such an ardent wish ?! My life is still far too long for that to be childless.
I am pregnant three months later
Three months later, after the second attempt, I’m pregnant. At first I feel like I’m wrapped in a cotton ball and float through the days like in a trance. During the first examinations, I shiver inside with fear that my little spark of almost human could change my mind and say goodbye again. But he stays with me for over nine months and gives me an uncomplicated pregnancy and an exciting birth.
In the first few weeks my family helps me to adjust to my role as mom. The following months friends and new acquaintances are there for me.
That’s why I can’t really get used to the term “single parent”. Because I have a wonderful network of friends, acquaintances and colleagues who supported me all the time and always made me feel: We are always there for you!
I have never regretted my decision
My life as a mom is certainly different from what I imagined as a teenager, and I would still find it nice if the traditional family model didn’t die out completely. But I haven’t regretted my decision.
“And do you want a boyfriend again?” I was asked recently. My answer was: “Sure!” But not by bending or breaking. If it comes up at some point and a man gets along well with my child, then I look forward to this time.
As long as I am enjoying to the fullest, spending as much time as possible with my son, who will always take first place by my side.
