To speak of "foreplay" reduces the sexual act to a single sexual practice: penetration. However, what we put behind this term – caresses, cunnilingus or oral sex – are ways of making love in their own right.
In recent years, health professionals and activists alike have pleaded for the end preliminaries. Be careful, not the end of sexual acts that we put in this category, but that of the word, which is problematic. Because this term implies a hierarchy: the preliminaries would be what precedes the penetration. One way to consider cunnilingus, caresses, masturbation or fellatio as a starter before the main course. As if sex, to be "real sex", had to go through penetration.
"Preliminaries", a reductive term
The definition of the word "preliminary" given by the Larousse is clear: "what precedes, announces something principal". In 2019, the sex columnist Maïa Mazaurette denounced this hierarchy of sexuality in the columns of the World: "The preliminaries induce a specific temporality, therefore an order in which the 'good sex' takes place". An opinion shared by Caroline Janvre, psychologist and sexologist, who explains: "In the collective imagination and in representations, foreplay is oral sex (fellatio, cunnilingus, rimming), caresses and masturbation. The word preliminary implies that there is something to come after all of this, as if it weren't full-fledged practices, even though they are sexual practices. ".
A reductive and catch-all term that brings together many sexual practices that deserve to be distinguished. "A kiss with the tongue, that can be considered in itself already as a sexual practice", explains Caroline Janvre. For the specialist, the word "foreplay" refers to a double standard, that of heterosexual and phallocentric sexual intercourse: "It is representative of the norms that there are in our society around sexuality, of what would be seen as acceptable". According to the sex therapist, sexual practices in France do not necessarily amount to penetration. "The large survey * carried out among more than 12,000 people in France showed that what is most practiced is mutual masturbation. There is really a difference between what we think we should do and what is actually done ", she notes.
Daring to get out of the penetrocentric scheme
According to an IFOP poll for Elle magazine carried out in 2019, 50% of women would like more foreplay, including 21% much more. The idea is therefore not to do without cunnilingus or masturbation, but, on the contrary, to restore them to their nobility. While it is physically impossible for some, painful for others, or provides little pleasure, why is penetration at the heart of sexuality? “In our imagination, there would necessarily be a sexual script with oral practices, masturbatory practices, and then penetrations. We can completely upset this sexual script ”, assures Caroline Janvre. Let's enjoy kisses, caresses, cunnilingus, oral sex and masturbation. “In our imagination, there would necessarily be a sexual script with oral practices, masturbatory practices, and then penetrations. We can completely upset this sexual script ”, assures Caroline Janvre. “Behind this term is the idea of a very 'poor' sexuality. We are talking about cunnilingus, fellatio, masturbation, but we are not talking about the different ways of doing things! While when we talk about penetration, we think of many different positions ", regrets the expert. The sex therapist invites you to explore new fields in sexuality and notably cites the work of Jüne Pla, the creator and author of Jouissance Club, which illustrates the multitude of forms that sexualities can take, outside of endless penetration.
In a 20-minute interview, the latter also exposes: "(Foreplay) is what helps a lot of people reach orgasm, so this part of sex shouldn't be underestimated, it's richer than just penetration. We can do a billion things with the hands and the tongue that the penis will not be able to do ”. A few months ago, sex blogger Mashasexplained wondered about the possibility of finding a new term to define the sexual practices grouped together in foreplay. "I try to say 'digital, oral, penetrative sex' as much as possible when targeting specific practices, but I'm sure there is even better". Until we find the right term, what if we just called it sex?