Marriage between same-sex partners is prohibited in the US state of Virginia. At the University of Virginia, psychologist Prof. James Coan conducts research on bonding and couples. And so in one of his studies Prof. Coan learned something about being married, which in his own words "made him freak out".
Relationships provide security
For his investigations, Coan placed married people in a magnetic resonance tomograph in order to be able to observe their brains. Then the test subjects were exposed to stress – in this specific case, because they had to fear light surges. At first they were alone. Then her spouse held her hand. It turned out that this reduced the stress response significantly. Coan was not surprised: it is not a feeling metaphor when we feel safe and secure in a relationship, but a fact that can be proven in our brain. We are attachments and aim to not exist alone. Through our relationships with others we regulate our feelings and cope with the demands of our life.
Inner commitment of great importance
But then came the surprise: when James Coan checked his results on same-sex, i.e. all unmarried couples, only half of the couples calmed down as expected. There was no effect on the others. Zero. Nothing at all. And there was only one decisive difference between the two groups: they felt differently connected to their partners. Those who felt that they simply lived together could not find security in their partner. On the other hand, if you felt like married, your brain calmed down. The decisive factor was the inner commitment of the partners, i.e. how much they got involved in their relationship. Even a small emotional distance worked. That means: Only when we really feel firmly bound do we signal to our brain that it can rely on the other. If "getting married" means that we are fully committed to our love relationship – which is the idea of getting married – then it is much more than a super tax-saving model.
© Ilona Habben
80 percent of all couples live together before going to the registry office. But the wedding, the official "yes" at the good and bad times, the friends and family as our witnesses, the music, the feast of the senses, it solidifies our mutual "commitment", it is the final step towards each other. The exchange of rings is the external, supportive ritual. But we also "marry" internally – or not. And so some may say "yes" and really mean "let's see". Other couples, on the other hand, can be "married" without a marriage license. However, our brain clearly notices whether we are leaving a back door open. And that can also mean that we don't take the last step: to get married.
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