It is a common assumption that young people are being pampered for longer and longer at »Hotel Mama«. Alone: There is no tangible evidence for this. In 2018, the sociologist Dirk Konietzka from the TU Braunschweig and his colleague André Tatjes analyzed data on almost 30,000 West Germans born between 1925 and 1984. The scientists could not find a significant increase in the age at which people moved out. “There has been a slight up and down, and a slight upward trend in the most recent cohorts. But in the end, those born in the late 1970s moved out no later than those born in the 1940s,” says Konietzka. For women, almost nothing has changed, for men there was more of a wavy development. However, they have no data on the generation of today’s 25 to 35 year olds.
The central motive for moving out: becoming independent
The actually exciting question: If starting a career and starting a family have been postponed significantly, why not moving out as well? He doesn’t have a reliable explanation, says Konietzka, but an interpretation: »In Germany and Northwest Europe, growing up has always meant breaking away from the parental home and starting your own household. Studies show that independence is the main reason why young people move out. In second place is an apprenticeship or a course of study and in third place a partner you want to live with.«
What is decisive in the individual case has to do above all with the striving for autonomy, one of the basic human needs. Autonomy develops with age, and starting one’s own household is an important step in this process. “Here we can see that so-called helicopter parenting can have a counterproductive effect,” says educational researcher Ulrike Sirsch. Namely, when the warmth and affection of the parents is accompanied by a great deal of control. Adolescents feel a growing need for autonomy, and parents should respond by taking back themselves and their need for control. “What was a hierarchical relationship in childhood should shift towards an equal relationship at eye level,” says Sirsch.
One of the most important tasks of the parents is to give the child the feeling of being able to become independent without losing the bond with them. This process, called »individuation«, is sometimes more, sometimes less successful, as Sirsch observed in a study from 2022 together with Slovenian colleagues. They found four types of individuation in young adults from Austria and Slovenia: the dependent and the anxious type, the individuated-connected and the individuated-independent type.
The latter two indicate a healthy parent-child relationship, with a good balance between autonomy and a good attachment to the parents, with the individuated-independent type being somewhat more self-reliant and less connected. The dependent and the anxious types both fear disappointing their parents and develop little self-efficacy, i.e. the belief that they can master difficult situations on their own. Sirsch reports that this has to do with the upbringing: If the parents let the child have little experience of their own, they impair the development of self-efficacy. In other words: If the child has to keep their room in order themselves, then the thought of their own apartment is less frightening later on.
»It is the task of parents to let children start life as mature and independent personalities. If necessary, your own interests should take a back seat«(Stefan Schmidt, Psychology)
Overprotective mothers or fathers may even dread the day their children move out. “Parents often benefit if their children continue to live at home,” says Heumann-Stegner. “They enjoy the role of provider and the familiar closeness.” For many, moving out is a drastic experience, usually a form of loss: not just of the child, but of parenthood. »The couple suddenly has more time for themselves and can or must reinvent themselves a little: what do we talk about? Which social contacts were mainly driven by the children, which ones also work without them? Do you find new common hobbies?” The divorce rate increases significantly after the children move out.