Why you have to change your partner

My girlfriend and I have been a couple for two years now. And I say: You can see that. When I look down at myself and take stock, I find that in the first year of our relationship she almost completely dressed me up.

Biggest intervention, almost an attack on my old self: slippers! Not just any, but these ecologically correct ones made of felt. She gave it to me. A few years ago, the word in my ears alone would have been enough for tinnitus. In my eyes, slippers were the alternative wedding ring.

Then the new socks. Made from bamboo fibers. I never would have thought possible. I don't particularly like bamboo on the plate. Processed into socks, it looks really good with washed-out jeans. Perhaps I should briefly say: my girlfriend works in the fair and, if you will, advanced textile industry.

She lets me know clearly what doesn't suit her

It is also very generous. In good and in less good sense. Also when it comes to spreading their opinions. For example, she likes to let me know very clearly what she either likes or dislikes about me, my appearance and my behavior. When I'm too clumsy about her or my old mother. Once again (the classic) didn't listen properly or criticize my daughters, I get a clear, let's say: change proposal.

Modulating the partner has always been an absolute no-go for me

The high art of genuine, that is, selfless love meant to me – somewhat transfigured – to take the partner as he is. Especially when you are no longer 20, but grown up, so rather 40 plus and firm opinions on slippers, bamboo socks and other quirky things.

I accepted my friend's "manipulation" because her tactics are pretty clever. I call it "friendly fire": It not only complains, it also praises. When I get to know Christian Thiel, single and partnership consultant in Berlin, I find out that she is at least quite right. He has a clear, almost radical opinion. He says:

"Relationship is poison for individuality."

Expert Says: "You MUST Change Your Partner"

The romantic resolution to take your loved one the way he is hardly ever survive the first twelve months – the time of hormonal high noon, of being in love. In other words: "Not only can you change your partner, you have to!" Those who fail to do so act, says Christian Thiel, almost negligently, because he simply does not do enough for himself and his needs. And that usually doesn't lead to anything – except frustration.

"Our ability to understand has limits," says the expert. Research, he adds, has shown that accepting all of the partner's disturbing idiosyncrasies does not usually lead to more togetherness but to alienation. Many couples have been doing this for years and are undermining their relationship through supposed tolerance. "If you don't want to constantly deny yourself, you have to be realistic!" Says Thiel. Leaving the partner as he is is not one of them.

You can and should wish for everything!

But doesn't one have to differentiate between external (bamboo socks) and deeper design will? "You are always so negative! Your doubts get on my nerves and pull me down," says my friend when I indulge in my Nordic melancholy again.

"As long as there is no attempt to change the character of a person, but only his behavior, that is fine," says Christian Thiel.

Basically, you can and should wish for everything from and in a relationship. For example, if the other person always behaves carelessly or selfishly in certain situations – perhaps without realizing it – accepting nothing helps; Tolerance to self-denial doesn't work.

But one thing is not allowed: complain nasty

Because criticism and attack in the long run lead to self-defense and resistance. Especially when it comes down to it. Whoever complains almost always loses. Christian Thiel's only condition: "Please always be polite." Change should never be forced through nagging and negativity. "Allegations always mean that I do not take responsibility for my feelings; allegations imply: I am dissatisfied and it is your fault. But the basic idea should be: Because you are worth it to me – if we feel loved and perceived, then we're more willing to make changes. "

Incidentally, women are significantly more dissatisfied with their partner and want to change him than men. The wish list is usually long, the ranking is well known: more intimacy in conversation; more tenderness; more support in the household, in raising children; one, possibly even two open ears for their thoughts, without receiving schoolmaster advice afterwards.

But why always women? "Simple laziness on the part of the men," says Thiel. They would often not notice that something was going badly in the partnership. Bitter, but true.

Whoever argues lives and loves

His essence? Where exactly is the turning point where dislike and love become suffering?

Most of the time it is when there is no more benevolence, but only contempt for the other. When respect for each other fades and both find themselves in mutual blame. Or absolute indifference.

If no more criticism is voiced, one resigns wordlessly to the other's quirks. When bamboo socks are no longer given away by happy farmers and bushes. If, as in my case, the whole melancholy doubt would simply rustle through and provoke no friction. Whoever argues lives and loves.

Only what repels can attract

Perhaps that's why you should sing the song of praise for the polarity. And thus praise the force field between the large and small differences that cannot be changed. Because otherwise it will get boring at some point. So without any friction, inside and outside the double bed. Only what repels can attract. It would be a shame for reconciliation.