Depression, lack of autonomy, social difficulties … The list of psychological and physical consequences for children of helicopter parents is long and dramatic. Catherine Verdier, psychologist, helps us analyze their behavior.
The term "helicopter" may be joking, but it is still very meaningful and real to children who grow up or have grown up in contact with such a parent. The name helicopter parent has its origins in a bestselling book written by Israeli psychologist Haim Ginott, Between Parents and Adolescents, published in 1969.
As its name illustrates, the helicopter parent positions itself above the child, hovers over it, to direct and guide it in its construction and development. He is constantly interfering in her life and "rushing to her rescue" whatever the situation. According to Catherine Verdier, psychologist and founder of Psyfamille, “It starts with a good intention at the start, since the helicopter parent wants to make the child's life easier, get the best out of himself, accompany him and ensure that he is not injured or choose a wrong path. " Good feelings at the start, however, which end up causing great damage, preventing the good physical and psychological development of the child.
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And for good reason, these parents are involved in all spheres of the child's life (physical, mental, academic, social, etc.) and at all ages. Their influence is less visible when children are small, but becomes particularly frightening as they grow older, especially during adolescence. The patterns that are put in place are most evident in single children, or single parent families, where there is one parent and one child.
Helicopter parents find their place in toxic parenting.
Who are the helicopter parents?
In this category of parents, several profiles emerge. There are no particular predispositions in either sex, a woman, just like a man, can be a helicopter parent. Among the fathers, Catherine Verdier notes that they "Often lacked something during childhood or are very distressed professionally and in all matters of the future. " On the mothers side, "It is the anxiety that most often returns along with a panicked fear that the child will be disappointed or hurt. In addition, during a separation or divorce, the child generally goes to live with his mother, which causes her to want to prove herself as a “good mother”, like a challenge to be taken up in the eyes. of all. "
More broadly, some examples of helicopter parent profiles:
- Parents who are very worried about their child's future and who want to prevent all directions or decisions they are going to take, especially with regard to higher education. It therefore begins in primary school, a period when, according to them, it is already time to choose extra-curricular activities or develop skills that will be used to enter a particular university later.
- Parents who don't want their child to be disappointed in life or to feel alone.
- Parents very distressed by the role assigned to them and who do not know how to do it.
- Controlling people by nature.
- Parents wanting to fill, compensate, pursue what they didn't get, what they couldn't do, or what their parents didn't give them.
- Parents who let themselves be guided by social pressure. Parents must be "good parents". In these specific cases, this dimension is taken to the extreme.
- Parents who have waited a long time for their child due to difficulties conceiving or faced major health problems during pregnancy or childbirth.
In a relationship, only one of the two parents is generally concerned. It also leads to regular arguments over how one or the other behaves with the child. The helicopter parent is unwilling to accept negative thoughts that go against his certainties. Unfortunately, these differences often lead to separation or divorce, which is undeniably harmful to the child. The other parent no longer being there to curb his or her partner's excesses, the child finds himself alone and in total fusion with the helicopter parent. Moreover, it is much easier for the latter to continue the control scheme when alone with the child.
How do they do it?
Very small, a child is often incubated by its parents, which is not a problem in itself, the youngest needing to be accompanied and protected. The limit is when the child is prevented from developing his independence. "Did he have a minor injury? It’s not dramatic, explains Catherine Verdier. Still, the helicopter parent is going to go into over-dramatization whenever something happens. For a child, the fact of tirelessly telling him that the situation is serious, that he must be very careful, penalizes him in the long term. Later, this child will live infantilized on a daily basis and will not be able to apprehend the trials that will arise in front of him. " More generally, helicopter parents constantly adopt an intrusive attitude and become over-involved, whether in education, school, emotions, social life … We then speak of abuse, insofar as the child cannot develop normally.
These parents intervene in whatever they consider to be physical or social risks, always with the aim that their offspring do not suffer or be in good shape. For this, all means are good! When the child is small, and due to excessive fear that he will fall or hurt himself, helicopter parents will take care to avoid any risk of accidents. So that he does not feel the feeling of loneliness, they will also make sure they never leave him alone.
Later, they will choose the child's teachers, will intervene daily within his schools to check that everything is going well, to list the progress, the problems … They will also rule on the extra-curricular activities that seem best suited. to their plans for the child, but also on his associates.
A helicopter parent demands of his child absolute transparency. To do this, he wants to have access to all the data concerning him and will not hesitate to insist, question and even search his things. Manipulation and blackmail are not particularly used, as it is more of a "contract" between parent and child.
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Dramatic consequences
Interfering in your child's life to control everything suggests that there is a real lack of self-confidence. However, it does not necessarily have to do with the child, but rather with his environment. If the environment is considered at risk by the parent, he will therefore direct and guide the child in a direction that is not dangerous and where he cannot harm himself. According to Catherine Verdier, “You don't necessarily realize when you're a parent, you try to do the best you can, but if you do too much, the consequences are long-term. " And indeed, this educational thread set up by a helicopter parent, and which aims to make life easier, ends up undermining the fundamentals. Among them, we find: autonomy, self-esteem, independence, thinking for yourself …
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These excessively infantilized children will also be subject to encountering difficulties in adapting socially, having always had someone to accompany them, help them, tell them what to do, how to do it and where to go. This will apply in their personal and professional life. Entering into a relationship with others without external mediation will be a test for them. After being alone, some of them will suffer from depression.
The breakup of adolescence
As often, adolescence marks a turning point in the relationships between parents and children, as the latter become less and less docile. In the case of helicopter parents, after spending ten to fifteen years practicing an education in full control, losing it gradually is very difficult to live with, and this is where the problems arise.
Whether in his social life, where he no longer accepts that his parent decides who he can date or not, or in all other areas of his life, a teenager starts to rebel. And when the child decides to go against the parenting system that has been put in place until then, the confrontations can be violent. For Catherine Verdier, “Violence is not a recurring feature of helicopter parents knowing full well that an abusive parent is, by definition, a bad parent. An image to which they especially do not want to be assimilated. However, the older the children, the more violent the control acts. These don't necessarily involve physical violence, but it can happen anyway. "
Some advice for parents
In wanting to do the best possible, we sometimes suggest the opposite of what should be provided in education. Parents, it is important to stay open to the world and listen to those around you, who are often helpful, such as grandparents or close friends. The famous "Let go of your kid a bit" may hurt at first, but repeated regularly, can act as a warning sign to be taken seriously.
Positioning yourself beyond your own anxieties is not easy. For the well-being of the child, on the other hand, it is worth it to sit down for a moment and think about what you are really causing in him by doing so.
A big thank you to Catherine Verdier, psychologist and founder of psyfamille.com, for her expertise.