psychology
5 questions to ask yourself before starting an argument
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Very few people like to argue, and yet the loud conflict is often there faster than we would like. Before an argument, these questions can help you evaluate whether the argument is worth it.
Some disputes are necessary. Especially in relationships we need them to solve unspoken issues and to define our boundaries. But sometimes a trivial conflict escalates unnecessarily. There can be a variety of reasons for this: We are in a bad mood at the moment and take it out on our counterpart. Or we’ve been dealing with a subliminal topic for a long time that we don’t dare to talk about, and that’s why we pick a fight over a trifle. Or our ego gets in the way and makes sure that we hype an argument unnecessarily.
In many cases, it can therefore help to ask you these questions – before an argument even arises. In this way, you will quickly realize whether the conflict is worth fighting at all.
You should ask yourself these 5 questions before you start an argument
1. “Do I need a moment before I say anything else?”
When we’re stressed, our body releases cortisol, which in turn triggers the fight-or-flight reflex in us. So when we are very angry with someone, our brain may treat the situation as if we are in mortal danger. The result: we are no longer in control of our senses and certainly not of our actions. So if you’re so angry you’re literally seeing red, it’s best to back off for a moment until you can think straight again. This way you can formulate the topic that is bothering you in a much more factual manner.
2. “Is there perhaps no right or wrong here, just different opinions?”
Most of the time we are convinced that we are right. In most cases, at least when it comes to interpersonal issues, there is no clear right or wrong, no black or white. Instead, we may simply disagree with our partner or girlfriend. And of course you can have a wonderful discussion about different opinions. But before the argument, think carefully about whether there is a clear solution to this conflict at all – or whether it’s just okay that you see this topic differently.
3. “Is it really about this topic right now?”
Especially conflict-averse people sometimes build up their anger towards a certain person for a very long time before they say something. Unfortunately, this often means that a trifle can make the camel overflow. Maybe you have the feeling that your partner often ignores your needs and only ever does what he/she wants. But you don’t dare to say it, so you keep churning out your resentment… until the wrong kind of chocolate causes you to freak out and you yell at the other person with the full force of all your pent-up anger. So before you break out, ask yourself if your anger is really just related to that one piece of chocolate or if there is more to it than that.
4. “Did I make it clear beforehand how important the topic is to me?”
Have you always wanted your sweetheart to throw you a surprise birthday party? And every year you are disappointed again because he:she only ordered pizza again. The frustration over your unfulfilled expectation is understandable, but before you start a fight, ask yourself honestly: Did you make it really clear to him/her that you wanted a party? Or maybe you just dropped subtle hints that your partner just didn’t understand as such? Our needs can only be met if we communicate them clearly.
5. “Is it more important to be right or to be happy?”
There are issues that are so important to us that we absolutely have to clarify them. Sometimes it’s about communicating our needs or making our limitations clear. In these cases, the dispute may be absolutely necessary. But sometimes it can also help if, before the escalating conflict, you ask yourself whether it’s all about being right – and above all: whether being right is more important to you than harmony in this case. If you can’t answer this question with an unequivocal yes, the topic is probably not essential for the relationship and your peace of mind. In this case, the old adage applies: the smarter one gives in.
Sources used: thecouplescenter.org, psychologytoday.com