Zohre Esmaeli: The price for a free life

She fled Afghanistan and had to stand up against her parents in order to live her dreams: Zohre Esmaeli received nothing for free.

by Sonja Niemann

Every day I get up, I thank God that I was on my way. I had to flee twice to live the life I have today. The first time as a 13-year-old with my family from Afghanistan to Germany. And the second time as a 17-year-old – in front of my own family. The first escape was difficult, but the second was much worse. But today I can say: It was all worth it.

Between escape and missing

Back then, as a 13-year-old, I had a lot of pictures in my head on the run of what my life would be like in Germany: I will make a lot of friends and do a thousand things, I painted it up in the most beautiful colors. We lived in a refugee shelter in Kassel for the first two years. I couldn't speak the language, I didn't have any friends, not a week went by without I crying because someone at school had said or done something mean. On the other hand, there were my parents who didn't allow me to go on a school trip because there were boys with them, I wasn't allowed to swim or do any sport. I wanted to belong, but I couldn't.

When I was 16, I was discovered as a model by chance. My parents would never have allowed me to do this job. Instead, they wanted me to get married quickly, they had already chosen the man. I realized that I could no longer live my life the way my parents wanted to. But that I want to use the freedoms that life in Germany offers me – even if that means that I have to break with my family.

I fled first to a youth home and later to the parents of my German friend in Stuttgart. My brother threatened me with death, and I would sometimes go to bed with my mother at night because I was so afraid that someone would find out where I was and climb through the window. And at the same time I missed my family so much.

Integration takes time

My parents are not bad, they loved me. But they didn't know any better. Nobody told them how life was here and also took away their fears. In Afghanistan you cannot go anywhere alone as a girl or woman, it would be dangerous for the woman. My parents thought they had to protect me here too. That is also the reason why I founded the "Culture Coaches" project: We train people with experience of migration to help newcomers and people who have lived here for a long time with the integration. Integration means much more than knowing the language and having a job.

It's important, but it's not enough. Integration goes much deeper. It is a mental process that takes time. And above all, it's an attitude. I know Afghans who have lived here for decades, are educated, speak the language perfectly, and then say to their son and his German friend: It's time we found a right woman for you to marry, an Afghan woman. This is an attitude with which migrants also marginalize themselves and which is problematic. And we have to talk openly about such things. At the same time, the project is also aimed at the host society. Integration is not a one-way street; for a transcultural and open society, everyone needs to be open.

Today I made up with my parents a long time ago. Because they too have integrated over time, and they have followed my development and seen that I am not doing the bad things that are on their mind. They respect me, and with my dad I sometimes feel like he's a little proud of me deep down. I also opened a door for my nephews and nieces. They can do sports, swim, have a German friend without any problems.

My home is Germany, but I often think of Afghanistan. I grew up there, it's part of me. But I don't want to go back there. I never want to give up what I have here.

Zohre Esmaeli, 35, is a model, entrepreneur, and is involved, among other things. with the project she founded "Culture Coaches" for integration and education (culturecoaches.de).

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BRIGITTE 02/2021