zoom on these sex resisters in an increasingly sexually liberated world

In an increasingly sexualized world, late virginity appears as an “enormity”. The “last virgins” are then perceived as offbeat people, on the margins of society. The vestiges of May 68 have contributed to building a kingdom where hypersexuality reigns unmolested: it’s simple, everything drives us to sexual freedom. Pop culture works, whatever their platform of expression, encourage an uninhibited sexuality in practices, frequency, etc. Virgins are then perceived as the ultimate resisters in an increasingly sexually liberated world.

But from what age can virginity be considered late ? You have to look at the national average to decide. “The median age is estimated around 17 and a half years old for young men and girls in France.”* Does this mean that all those who indulge in it after the average are in late virginity? Not necessarily. So it’s often when you’re in your twenties that you start to wonder about a lack of sexualityto imagine a thousand and one cliché scenarios about the people concerned. The editorial staff of Aufeminin goes out to meet the main interested parties, so that they can share their truth and explain the reasons which led them to “resist”.

A late virginity due to chance

If in our mind late virginity is either chosen or suffered, that we consider it only according to this tension between “choice” and “despite”; sometimes it happens that it exists due to the chance of life. This was the case for Amélie: now 30 years old, she had her first sexual relationship at 25; an age that seems little shocking compared to other “late virgins”, but which earned him some remarks at one time.

Throughout his adolescence, no one ever commented, judged or made fun of his lack of sexual relations, even though it is THE period when puberty is in full swing, when everyone experiences their first emotions, when most young people experience their 1st time. Since she’s not judged on it and nobody makes a fuss about it, she doesn’t see her virginity as anything special at all.

But all that changes when she enters the world of worka place where active life and active sexuality intertwine, where colleagues sleep with such and such, where clandestine professional love affairs follow one another in spades: “In middle school, high school, and even in university, I didn’t think my virginity was so ‘atypical’ in people’s eyes, no one ever made it clear to me that it was ‘out of the ordinary’. Surely because I was still young, underage. When I started my professional Master’s internship, the view of others on this virginity changed. Through the reactions and comments of my colleagueswhich were not necessarily negative, moreover, I understood that my lack of sexuality was not ‘normal’ for them”.

Her virginity is not the result of a conscious choice, nor is it suffered: the opportunity to lose her just didn’t come up. She explains it as follows:

“I hadn’t met a guy I wanted him with and who wanted him back. In fact, in high school, I was so focused on friends or school that I forgot about loves. (Amelie is heterosexual, editor’s note). “When starting higher education, it was more a question of time: I had trouble managing my schooling with my personal life., so I relegated the boys to the background. They weren’t my priority.”

A refusal to move on to adult life?

Amélie explains that it is also her emotional immaturity which naturally caused him to remain a virgin : “I was also really immature, a real kid, I had little self-confidence: suddenly, I preferred to love boys in secret, unilaterally, and never turn it into reality. I was not really ready to pass the course of sexuality and become a woman. At the time, I was still wearing tutus, I had bows in my hair, Hello Kitty accessories everywhere. I had my head in the clouds, I was still a baby”, she jokes. Thus, for many people, the first sexual experience marks the entry into adulthood. This is why some virgins delay the deadline: they do not feel ready to “leave childhood behind”.

A sacred virginity, voluntarily preserved

For Julien, chance has nothing to do with it: her virginity is indeed chosen, even if he recognizes that it is not easy on a daily basis. His peers, his friends, his work environment, society as a whole: everything pushes him to end it and give in to temptation. But for him, “Sex is sacred and you have to practice it with the person to whom you are married”. Indeed, he is a believer and practitioner of a religion that we will keep silent about. Therefore, at the age of 30, he is still free from any physical contact, any intimate relationship.

Of the sexual urges, he often has. There social pressure, he feels it all the time. No wonder when you know that Julien evolved in the middle of the night, “a dangerous environment for pious people, who constantly leads to sexual debauchery”, as he likes to say. For a long time he was a promoter of clubs abroad. He remembers a summer season when his resistance and his mental strength were particularly challenged; his colleagues and friends then having an uninhibited sex life:

“They slept almost every night with a new girl, sometimes even with several at the same time. I saw them through the window while they were having sex (all lived in the same residence during the season, editor’s note). I had to hold myself back. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t. That summer, there were plenty of women I was attracted to and could have slept with. I had to restrain myself, to temper myself to honor my values ​​and my beliefs.”

Late virginity valued in women

“As soon as they found out, the most curious often asked me questions about it, during afterworks”, explains Amélie. A little as if she were a laboratory rat that had to be studied, a sort of rare object exhibited in a cabinet of curiosities. But truth be told, she never had it bad, she never felt ashamed because “most of the time, they were benevolent. They were just so surprised that they became intrusive and asked me questions like: ‘Have you ever been turned on?’ ‘How come you never had sex?’ ‘Are you waiting for the right person?’ ‘You are a believer ?’

(…) Some men even had positive words about my virginity : they kept repeating how beautiful it was to see someone ‘so pure’ as an adult. Looking back, I realize that was problematic: they were fantasizing about this virginity, supposedly synonymous with purity.” An absence of sexuality which paradoxically tended to fascinate or even excite those who were relatively active in their sex life.

To be legitimate, some believe that it must be justified by sexual orientation

The only negative judgment she suffered came from one of her colleagues who was her exact opposite. Maybe their too big differences made understanding or tolerance impossible – at least, on the other side. “He was very sexually active, and bragged about it regularly. He was labeled a ‘queutard’ and could jump on anything that moved. Friendly, we got along well, but as soon as he could spoof me about my virginity, he did it. He didn’t care if it was in front of everyone, in the break room for example. He called me the “asexual” and laughed…

As if to be legitimate and to have the right to exist, late virginity had to result from a sexual orientation such asasexuality (while everyone is free to choose and reason does not necessarily have to appear valid in the eyes of others). A mocking point of view and negative judgment that few “late” Virgo women face, unlike men.

Perceived as a problem among men

Julien’s experience clearly confirms the impact of this toxic masculinity on the negative judgment made of “late virgin” men. “When we did not see them during the sexual act, they came to tell me about it to brag about it”he says. “They did everything to let everyone in the residence know. They opened the curtains, purposely stood in front of the window or on the balcony during foreplay or during sex.” A “permanent testosterone demonstration” that has helped to complex him and fuel his shame about his virginity.

At the same time, he also suffered daily taunts and mockery of his male and heterosexual colleagues, who clearly did not not helped to cope : “They would often make remarks like, ‘Tonight it’s going bad. Ah well no, not you Julien ‘laughing with each other. Otherwise, they would ask me questions about my choice, try to test me, encourage me to ‘take it easy’, to ‘let it go’ and to do it.’”

Gender inequalities in the perception of virginity

Generally speaking, late virginity in women is not as criticized and mocked as in men. Far from being a privilege, this positive perception actually results from whole centuries of will to control women’s sexualityrepression of their freedoms (including sexual freedom), dissemination of stereotypes and/or clichés associating their sexuality with “defilement” and their virginity with purity.

On the men’s side, it is the imaginaries of toxic masculinity perpetuated since the dawn of time which provoke the violence of these judgments. They are constantly being pushed sexual performance, to have a fulfilling sexuality to be an “accomplished man”. The least erectile dysfunctionany premature ejaculationthe least sexual disorder and it is their whole virility that is questioned. So imagine when it’s the desert in their sexuality…

Many thanks to those who agreed to testify.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.