While some couples seem indestructible, bad habits can lead to divorce in the happiest marriages and destroy the strongest relationships. Here are 11 practices to avoid (the worst, according to a marriage therapist).
Although we (often) envy other people’s relationships, the reality is that even the most wonderful and “perfect” couples can end up separating or divorcing. But what happened? They seemed so happy together! Yes, many people have problems with their partner but prefer to hide it until separation becomes their only option. This situation is not at all unusual.
According to Jeff Forte, marriage therapist and author of The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, many couples strive to maintain a happy relationship but find their marriage falling apart anyway. To avoid this, it is necessary to correct certain behaviors that are harmful to romantic relationships. The expert listed with Your Tango the 11 (very) bad habits that must be avoided when you want to save your union.
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1. Not being on the same wavelength
Often couples are not aligned on the things that matter most and feel like their own personal goals/feelings are most important.
2. Not meeting each other’s needs
Each person has unique needs that they hope to have met by their partner. But couples often don’t talk about these needs or assume that their partner’s needs are the same as their own.
3. Let disconnection and distance become the norm
This is when couples start saying things like, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you anymore.”
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4. Let intimacy disappear
The affection, connection, and tenderness you once shared dry up for lack of effort, and you become nothing more than roommates.
5. Neglecting each other
For example, you send yourself flowers, you forget to keep your promises, and you don’t pay attention to what you say. Neither of you necessarily intended to give more importance to things other than your partner, but that’s what you did without necessarily realizing it.
6. Harboring resentment toward each other
Unexpressed or unresolved resentment can fester and seriously poison a once healthy relationship. One of the partners (or even both) may for example think: you did this to me and I can’t get over it.
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7. Not facing problems
You know things aren’t right, but it’s easier to do nothing. You avoid facing the truth or tackling the real problems in your marriage. You’re doing the weather vane, so to speak.
8. Criticize each other
When you criticize each other in your mind and out loud, you soon see only your partner’s faults. After a while, complaining and criticizing becomes a comfortable habit, one that compromises your willingness to communicate and interact with compassion and support.
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9. Take your attention (and affection) elsewhere
Whether by having an affair or devoting all your attention to the children, one of you (or both of you) has somehow left the relationship and sought attention and affection elsewhere. After that, it’s easy to give up completely.
10. Let stress control your life
Life is hectic, and many couples accidentally let stress (big or small) creep in between them. But once stress takes over and bonding breaks down, it can seem incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to reestablish it.
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11. Arguing to win
When you’re more interested in “being right” than creating a real connection, attempts at “talk” usually only make things worse. The longer the above problems remain unresolved in a marriage, the more these habits intertwine, intensify and gradually reduce the bonds between the two partners. Every day, love dwindles and stress increases, until once-happy couples reach their breaking point. At this point, good communication is no longer enough!
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