psychology
3 conversational habits that unconsciously make you seem unsympathetic
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Small interruptions are part of conversation. We explain when it becomes too much of a good thing and what other behaviors you can watch out for.
In discussions we would like to be at eye level. We want to exchange ideas, listen, but also: be heard. But this exchange does not always work as smoothly as we or the other person would like it to. The following habits can make you seem unlikable:
1. Always go one better
A friend tells how tough it is at work right now and that she has to work a lot of overtime because of it. The statement that no one wants to hear in this case comes promptly: “Oh, that’s nothing. I had to work the past three weekends. What are the few hours of overtime?” The fact that person B often had Monday and Tuesday off to compensate for this is not mentioned. The main thing is that the situation sounds harder for him than for the other person. This type of behavior makes the first girlfriend feel that she is not being taken seriously or that her concerns are not heard. The answer gives her the impression that her feelings are unjustified – and the connection between the two people suffers as a result.
The other way round, there are also these examples. When a good friend tells you about a great experience, they don’t want to be trumped in return. We should not belittle the experiences of others by making them feel that our lives are more impressive, intense, or positive than their own. An exchange among friends is not a competition. Contributing your own things is of course part of it. But what is the motivation behind it? Is it to impress, to show off, or to prove something? Then the person is looking for admiration and not a connection. So rule number one is: Listen first and accept what you have experienced instead of devaluing or countering it with your own experiences.
2. Always know everything better
A few friends sit together, there are various dips, chopped vegetables and chips. It’s about the guacamole. One person asks, “How did you make it? It’s really delicious!” After the explanation comes, unasked, from a friend: “It’s delicious, but it gets even better if you mix in some coriander. Then it’s a real guacamole.” This good friend just killed the positive feeling from the person being asked. Because one thing remains: It’s good, but not good enough.
It gets even worse when a person then has to insist that they are absolutely right about what they said. “A guacamole is only complete with coriander, a buddy from South America taught me that,” for example. This seems arrogant and downplays the competence of others. It is important that everyone is clear: It was never about a debate, but about a nice chat. You can safely tell such friends that their opinion is all well and good, but just their opinion – and not the ultimatum for any guacamole in the world.
3. Always see everything positively
It is sometimes appropriate to point out the positive things in a situation and thus bring a person out of a negative attitude. But there are also unfortunate moments when being too positive is misunderstood by the other person. We should perceive the challenge that the:the other is currently facing. It can be harder for him:her than it seems to us as outsiders. Which is why we don’t want to hear “Oh, there are so many fish swimming in the sea” after a breakup when we’re mentally battered and are still recovering from the hardships.
The person also knows that life goes on and eventually the pain will become easier to bear. Listening usually helps her more than positive affirmations or advice that she doesn’t need in the situation and that she didn’t ask for. When a person talks about a difficult time, sometimes they just want to be heard. It can help to get that straight up front with, “Do you want my advice, or maybe just want to let it out? I’m here if you need me.”
Nobody is perfect
It can be difficult to become aware of your own patterns. Maybe some situations happen without you noticing. But you can pay attention to this in future conversations. One thing is clear: some things are of course well intentioned or you really want to say something about them because you recently experienced something similar. Maybe you’re really stressed yourself and feel the need to talk about your own distress after a friend described their situation – sometimes it just bubbles out of us. It is important that you become aware of such things when they can hurt others. Did you continue talking to said person on an equal footing, or did you trump them or invalidate their statement—thus muting them for the rest of the evening. Reflection in and after conversations can help you work on these things.
Sources used: Psychology Today, PsychCentral, The Psychology Group