5 things their kids wish they had done differently

THE divorce of two individuals does not imply only them: with marriage, their once distinct destinies have now merged to form one. In addition to the common account, common property, or even the family home, it is also all their relational ties that are shared. Not only does the entourage of one become that of the other, but they start their own family by giving birth to their toddlers. If they choose to divorce, then all the siblings are affected – the children first. Indeed, the parental separation very often induces family separation. Children, the first collateral damage of divorce, can therefore pay for the broken pot of their separated parents for a long time, suffer from this “imposed” divorce and retain traumas from their past until adulthood.

We imagine that the most complicated to manage, emotionally as well as factually, is joint custody and the fact of juggling between two residences (for minor children). But the children of divorced parents explain to us thatother elements related to the behavior of their dad and/or mom have harmed their well-being. With our colleagues from HuffPost UK*, these “divorce children” confide and share things that they would have liked their parents to do but did not do, or conversely, things that they would have preferred them to do differently.

Thing #1: Put Them In The Middle Of Parental Conflicts

When parents tear each other apart, they can implicitly impose on children choose between them and plunge them into a “conflict of loyalties”. Although they will never directly ask their child to decide on his preferred parent, the words and phrases used by the latter, during unexpected conversations, can betray their negative thoughts about the co-parent.

Some feel so resentful towards their future ex-companion that they will talk badly about him to their child, or at least in his presence. This is what Laurie experienced with her divorced mother:

“My mother divorced my father when I was four years old. She and my grandparents often used the expression: ‘If your father really loved you, he would…’. So I grew up thinking that either my father didn’t love me or he didn’t know how to love me. I never felt close to him.”

Besides these innocuous conversations, other divorced parents may go as far as to confide excessively in the child without doing it on purpose, because they feel close to the latter. The countless confessions about their moods and behind the scenes of the various dramas linked to the separation unconsciously push him to choose his side, in favor of the parent who confides, of course. But beware of parentification… Because if the basic intention is not bad, the consequences on the child’s psyche can be devastating: anxiety, depression, neglect of one’s own emotions, people pleasing…

“One of the things that would have made it easier for me is: not being dragged into the middle of the drama. I know this can be hard to avoid, especially with older kids, but try not to depend on your kids for support. See a counselor or therapist or find another source to help you so you can protect your children from part of the conflict”advises Whitney, child of divorced parents, then 16 years old at the time of the facts.

Thing #2: Mismanaging the Divorce Announcement

Divorce is a difficult thing to live with for the former spouses, but also for their children. It is therefore important to take care of the way we announce it to toddlers to minimize their suffering (especially when it comes to young children). Too harsh an announcement could hurt them even more. If the situation is already difficult to accept in itself, you might as well minimize the damage where you can by being careful how you say it. This is at least what the children would have wanted, having had a bad experience of the divorce of their parents and the way in which the latter announced to them.

Nicole’s parents told her they were divorcing on Christmas Day as she opened her presents; a time she deems inappropriate to announce such news. But if the form of the ad is important, so is the content. In this sense, some children regret that, for fear of hurting them, their parents were dishonest about it and that they preferred embellish reality :

“I wish my parents didn’t give me any illusions of security about what ‘post-divorce’ would be like for me. They used jokes such as: ‘Think about it, you’ll get a double of everything! And you will receive double the gifts at Christmas and on your birthday!’… This remains a traumatic memory for me” Christine confides.

Thing #3: Refusing to be cordial with your ex-husband/ex-wife

Some separated or divorced parents despise the other parent to such an extent that they no longer want any contact with the latter: they no longer speak to him, no longer see him, and even refuse to attend important events for their child. common so as not to cross paths with their ex-spouse.

This was also the case with Adam’s parents: “I wish they could be cordial to each other, even if it would have been a front for the sake of their children (…) I wish they could take it upon themselves and be in the same room, without forcing me to organize two graduation party evenings.”

Even if the parents are separated on bad terms and the parenting plans are not cordial, it is in the interest of the children that their parents continue to see each other normally. Otherwise, the child is reminded constantly and at each important event that his family is broken and dysfunctional, while parental separation was supposed to bring more peace for all.

Thing #4: Introducing their new romantic partner too soon

Some children are not not ready to see their parent rebuild their lives… Just as some partners are not ready to welcome another’s child into theirs. If the goal is to have a harmonious recomposed family and that everyone can flourish without depriving themselves for the other, introducing a new companion to their children must be done at the right timeso that one of the parties does not feel “considered as an inconvenience”.

Thing #5: Waiting too long before getting divorced

This is certainly the most surprising item on the list. Some children claim that their parents waited too long to divorce, and that they would have preferred that they had done it before. Certainly, their desire to stay for the children comes from a good feeling but, rather than protecting them from the misfortune of having a separated family, it can on the contrary break them from the inside. For what ?

• The feeling of betrayal felt by the latter at the time of the effective and late separation from their parents.

Upon learning of their divorce, some children felt like their parents had been faking it and even pretending to be happy the whole time.

• The toxic environment that sets in when their parents decide to stay together.

The fact that they are no longer happy, even that they tear themselves apart before their eyes, causes injury, trauma, and toxic attachment styles in children that could have been avoided had they separated in time. “My dad was a bossy, hot-tempered man, and my mom stayed away way too long just to make sure my brother and I didn’t grow up in a house divided. The repercussions of his decision to stay this long are still active by both of us. I saw myself transforming into the passive, submissive woman my mother was in her marriage, letting angry, controlling men into my life. She feared that the divorce would be a bad example of love for me. But I think it would have taught me when and how to leave situations that hurt and break me.” Camilla explains.

Freelance journalist

Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for the human being motivates her to write…