“Stonewalling” is responsible for the majority of divorces, according to several experts. This toxic habit occurs during a couple's argument and is sometimes part of a form of abusive relationship.
Conflicts are inevitable in a couple and even allow, when properly resolved, to move forward in a relationship. While in some cases the argument can be beneficial for the couple, in others it leads to an impasse or even a breakup. During an argument, your partner ignores you and does not answer you? This habit which responds to the name of "Stonewalling" is often a sign of a toxic relationship and leads many couples to divorce.
What is stonewalling?
The stonewalling, which translates to "stone wall" in English, is to steer in and avoid engaging in discussion, problem solving or cooperation. The person then puts up a verbal and emotional wall and refuses to discuss. She remains stoic as you get more and more upset because you don't feel listened to and respected.
Stonewalling can also mean that the partner is blaming you as if you were 'making a big deal about nothing', belittling what you are saying, and pretending everything is okay when it clearly isn't. case.
Stonewalling: the signs that should alert you
- Your partner ignores you, even when you talk to him
- He does not express himself in words but in monosyllables that he mumbles under his breath
- He / she changes the subject
- He / she repeats the same things over and over again, making the debate sterile
- He / she runs away from the conversation by leaving the room or even disappearing for long periods of time
- Your partner avoid eye contact with you
- He / she acts with coldness and impenetrability
Stonewalling, a major cause of divorce
According to researcher John Gottman, who is best known for his ability to predict divorce with 94% accuracy, stonewalling is the greatest predictor of divorce, ahead of criticism, contempt and defense. It's absolute poison for a relationship. This behavior makes dialogue impossible and prevents partners from having any capacity to communicate and solve their problems. Studies also show that 85% of people who practice stonewalling are men. The latter would be more physiologically responsive to emotional stimulation. In other words, they are more easily overwhelmed. That doesn't mean, however, that no woman does.
Is this a form of psychological violence?
It all depends on the intention of the person. In some cases, the partner may not be aware of the toxic nature of their behavior, nor of the harm their behavior can do. For some, it is a learned response to dealing with emotional and difficult issues. They do not want to control or manipulate, but rather use it unconsciously as a way to protect themselves from feeling unwell. It is therefore necessary to have a discussion on the subject, and to establish a kind of "pact": that of speaking and not running away, even if you need to take a moment to stop during an argument.
See : what are micro-manipulations, the sign of a toxic relationship?
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On the other hand, if the stonewaller refuses to acknowledge the toxicity of their behavior and blames the other for all relationship problems, then it is most likely a manipulative tactic. This silence is destructive for the person who experiences it. It destroys the ability to communicate with one another. In this case, the best thing to do is to flee, and to talk to loved ones or people you trust. If you think you are in an abusive romantic relationship or if you are the victim of psychological violence, do not hesitate to contact 3919 (Violences Femmes Info).