Abuse officer Kerstin Claus: “Perpetrators are so manipulative”

Kerstin Claus is the federal government’s independent commissioner for issues of child sexual abuse. She is a victim herself. When she took office in 2022, she emphasized how urgently the perspective of those affected was needed to make the issue more understandable. She spoke to BRIGITTE as part of the federal government’s awareness campaign “Don’t push away your responsibility!” about the manipulative strategies of the perpetrators – and about ways to protect children from abuse of power at an early stage.

BRIGITTE: You clarify with the campaign “Don’t push your responsibility away!” points out that sexual violence against children and young people mainly takes place in the family environment. It is said that there are 1 to 2 people affected in every school class. How can affected children be identified? Are there any characteristics that should raise suspicion?

Kerstin Claus: Children affected by sexual violence often change their behavior. If a child withdraws or becomes more aggressive, if they suddenly lose or gain weight noticeably, these can be signs. Abuse should be considered as a possible cause when you are in contact with the child or young person. It’s important to show that you are concerned. “You seem different to me, is something bothering you?”, “You’re so quiet and sometimes look sad. If you want to talk or need a break, feel free to get in touch.” It helps to ask specific questions. “Tell me, your chats – are you okay with that or are things happening there that you don’t want or that are stressful for you?”

It certainly won’t work right away, but you need invitations like this to talk again and again so that young people realize: I could talk to this person if it was important. A child who experiences sexual violence usually experiences it over a longer period of time. This means that there can always be time windows in which the pressure becomes too great and the young person actually wants to speak.

Teach children to recognize assault

So it’s about looking and being. The campaign started in 2022 with the slogan “Don’t push the thought away!” The focus this year is: responsibility. What exactly can adults do to protect children?

Protection against sexual abuse ideally begins with the topic being present in the parents’ upbringing. This doesn’t mean that you should talk to small children about abuse, for example, but simply that certain things are given language in an age-appropriate manner. This includes clearly naming sexual organs and body parts. And to talk to children about what is normal and what is abusive. Children should learn that they can make decisions about their bodies and set limits. “You don’t have to get naked in front of anyone. And no one has the right to touch you if you don’t want to, not even an adult.”

Only in this way will they be able to recognize both the limits and elements of sexual abuse. If I have never talked to my child about physicality and boundary violations, if there is no common language for it, it is almost impossible for a child to talk about sexual assault. That does not work.

Where do I turn if I have suspicions? Most people only know the youth welfare office and shy away from reporting someone – out of uncertainty but also fear of getting involved or even destroying a family.

Our Sexual Abuse Helpline is available for this purpose. There I can get advice from experienced professionals if I have a strange feeling or suspicion. About our Sexual abuse help portal You can find specialist advice centers close to your home. Nobody has to be a child protection expert themselves, but we should all know where we can get advice and where we can find concrete help and advice locally.

This is how family members use their power manipulatively

A child cannot leave his family like a sports club if he experiences sexual violence. How do perpetrators manipulate their victims so that they remain silent?

The term sexual violence implies that resistance is possible. However, perpetrator strategies work in such a way that this violence is usually not even recognizable to the child at first. The perfidious thing is that the perpetrators initiate sexual abuse and are very manipulative in doing so. Strategically and not spontaneously and impulsively, as is the case with many other forms of violence. They convey: This is all completely normal and okay. The perpetrators often explain very clearly why they are allowed to do what they do.

This is one of the reasons why affected children and young people do not initially recognize what is happening as something monstrous and forbidden, even if the actions are associated with pain. For them it is simply normality – even though at the same time it is made clear to them through threats that they are not allowed to talk about it under any circumstances. It is a very diverse network of manipulation and abuse of power that has made such systems of abuse possible for years.

Targeted excessive demands are part of the abuse of power

Which strategies of the perpetrators should we know?

Perpetrators awaken the feeling of being chosen, tell the child or young person, “You are something very special to me and I want to show you that.” Young people want to be understood, accepted and feel special. If the uncle is the only one who listens and is there to talk, but he combines his attention with physicality, that can sometimes be tolerated. Because this person is important to the child.

Children in particular cannot recognize sexual violence because they do not have a clear picture of sexuality. When a man says, “Touch here!” and the child suddenly has an erect penis in his hand, he doesn’t know what it is. Maybe this just feels “kind of weird” to the child, but not threatening. This is the power of the perpetrators. If the child has already touched the limb, the perpetrator will go one step further next time. Then the child may be surprised to see that liquid comes out. When in this chain should the “Stop!” of the child come? How is it supposed to notice and express that? It’s pure overwhelm to be confronted with experiences that you can’t sort out. This deliberate excessive demand is part of the abuse of power.

The fear of losing the love of the caregiver certainly also plays a role. What is specific about the abuse of power within the family?

This isn’t the horrible person who is always evil or horrible. This is also the person who plays with me. This is the person who goes out for ice cream with me. This is the person I can confide in. But also the person my mother or father loves and needs. This is what makes the dependency and power dynamics in families so incredibly great.

There is also the fear, “If I exclude this one person who does bad things to me, will I also lose everyone else?” The perpetrators use the fear of a collapse in the stability of the environment to blackmail silence. “You know how stressed your mother is. Do you want to stress her out even more? I mean well.”

Most perpetrators are fathers

What is the structure of perpetrators in families? Are there surveys as to whether fathers, mothers, siblings or other relatives most often become perpetrators?

There really is such a thing as a ranking. On the one hand, we know that over 50 percent of crimes occur in the family environment. The main group of perpetrators are men, across all generations. By far the largest subgroup is fathers and stepfathers. Then it continues with the close circle of relatives, uncles, grandpas but also older (step) brothers. Older male siblings are often underestimated as perpetrators. They may already have a sex life and have come into contact with pornography and power dynamics. Younger siblings are defenseless when attacks or even abuse occur – physically, but also because the family system often does not protect internally. Only after these cross-generational groups of male perpetrators come women as perpetrators, here primarily mothers.

Respond to injustice

How far does the mandate “Don’t push away your responsibility” reach? What do we do when we hear from adults that they experienced sexual violence as children or young people?

There are two perspectives. One involves the question of criminal prosecution. We can provide support here by informing those affected when the statute of limitations expires and what they can do if they want to report them. Or simply where there are advice centers. Recognizing injustice is extremely important for your future biography. This is the realization, “Something happened to me here that shouldn’t have happened. I should have been protected.”

This leads to the second perspective, the personal one. The aim here is to open up spaces so that those affected can speak as early as possible in their biography and integrate what has happened. The argument is a release for every current and future relationship they will have in their lives. The longer those affected do not find a way to speak up because there is a lack of acceptance or they fear victim stigma, the more likely it is to strain interpersonal relationships. Because a serious wound and great injustice that was experienced remains invisible.

So it is in the interest of every person, affected or not, to support the processing?

Exactly, it is our social mission to firmly anchor the topic everywhere. At daycare centers, schools, vocational schools, universities, in training courses and in professional life. There needs to be possible speaking spaces everywhere. Those affected who are ready to state that they have experienced sexual violence repeatedly report that people around them suddenly say: “I experienced something like that too.” The more we talk about power and abuse, the more it will open doors for others to talk too.

Thank you for the interview.

Bridget