According to the couple therapist: Even happy couples cannot resolve these conflicts

Couples therapist reveals
Even the happiest couples cannot resolve these conflicts

Happy couples see themselves as a team. They pull together, share common goals and together find a solution for every challenge and every (relationship) problem. Conflicts aka conflicting interests? Of course there will be that in a healthy partnership. But then you explain to each other your own perception, describe the feelings that this perception causes in you, and – whoosh! – the conflict is over and everyone is satisfied.

Or?

Nope! Says couple therapist Eric Hegmann: “Two thirds of all couple problems are not solvable because of a conflict that can satisfy both partners equally.“Phew, two-thirds? That sounds pretty much! But don’t worry, says Hegmann, because:” Conflicts are normal. Even if two people love each other very much, it would be complete unrealistic to hope that the partners always have the same needs at the same time. The awareness that all needs are equal to begin with saves many couples from tough arguments about it. “

With different emotional needs, someone always gets the short straw

But what are such conflicts for which no compromise can be found that satisfies both partners equally? A classic from his therapy sessions: evening planning in stressful everyday life or, as Hegmann calls it: “Emotional connection at the end of the working day.“

According to the therapist, the following conflict occupies many couples in this situation: “A partner: in wishes to recharge the batteries through contact with the other party, through exchange and conversation with him. The other party charges its batteries by being in Tranquility collects without any interaction in order to be able to muster energy for exchange again. ” Middle way? Nothing! One of the two will always draw the short straw.

In general, there are two insoluble conflicts opposite emotional needs to the satisfaction of which the partner (s): is / would be needed. One wants to talk, the other wants to be quiet. One wants to cuddle after sex, the other sleep. One person loves flower sex, the other would like to try out new sex positions or is into quickies in between. One would like to visit parents and family on the weekend, the other would like action or togetherness. We could go on like this indefinitely – no wonder that Hegmann speaks of two-thirds …

The only question that arises is: How can partners become happy with each other if only one is satisfied in 67 percent of all conflict cases? One is crucial deep bond, mutual respect and that the partners grant each other happiness. Then, according to Hegmann, couples would find creative ways to deal with conflicts and to reconcile – even without resolving them and eliminating them.

Would you like to learn more from Eric Hegmann? You can find a lot of information and coaching offers on his Website.

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Brigitte