Psychological trick
To achieve more balance with the “Let them” method
© Angelina Bambina / Adobe Stock
Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be verbal. With the “Let them” method you can distance yourself without confrontation and thus achieve more balance.
My closest circle of friends like to dig deep into the box of kitchen table psychology. I was his final case study. As a notorious people pleaser, I’m known for not being very good at saying no, setting boundaries, and all the other skills that seem to be needed for peace of mind these days. So I tell you about a situation that happened in my circle of friends in which I felt ignored and treated unfairly – and I end with: “I didn’t say anything about it.” As expected, everyone shouts in unison: “But why not? You really have to set limits!” And I did – without words – because I subconsciously practiced the “Let them” method.
Bye bye bad feeling, hello Zen mode with the “Let them” method
It feels like everyone is talking about setting boundaries and how important that is. But the thought of constant confrontation makes everything tighten within me as a person in need of harmony. Do I really have to say something always and about everything? That’s why I asked myself whether the practice of setting boundaries not different facets may have. Do there always have to be verbally formulated boundaries? I have the answer to these questions New York Times bestselling author and podcast host Mel Robbins delivered. She recently spoke in her podcast about the “Let them” method, a psychological trick that in some (not all) situations replaces the formulation of boundaries in the classic sense and still helps you, to separate yourself and let go.
The “Let them” theory says that we should let people around us make their own decisions – even if they disappoint us. “We waste so much time and energy forcing other people to live up to our expectations,” explains Mel Robbins. You weren’t invited to your colleague’s baby shower, but everyone else was? Let her. Your date stood you up? Let her. That’s exactly what I did in the situation described above – without realizing it. Because although I didn’t say anything about it, I still drew my own conclusions and “simply” let go of the matter and the stupid feeling. This can feel quite liberating because you are no longer paying attention to the situation or the person who disappointed you. So you consciously decide against the whirlwind of thoughts that doesn’t let you sleep at night and in favor of inner balance.
Set boundaries by letting go
We also enable people to show their true colors by letting them be who they are and find out who really suits us. Some people may not be worth our loyalty and friendship. Once you have recognized this, you will only be able to separate yourself from certain friends, partners or jobs. Mel Robbins also explains the reason for our behavior. According to her, we want to gain control over a situation or a person that we don’t have. In many cases there is no point in trying to convert people. For example, have you been ghosted? Then let the person go instead of chasing after them.
However, I would like to include a disclaimer here, because of course it can be important to give feedback to other people if they misbehave or have made you feel bad in a certain situation – especially when it comes to people in close relationships, people who are important to you and with whom you would like to continue to have a good relationship. This is more about people who are not an integral part of your life and who are therefore not worth drawing your energy from.
Sources used: instagram.com, melrobbins.com, huffpost.com