How to relive a relationship or live as a couple after having experienced domestic violence? Tatiana-Laurence Delarue testifies for aufeminin.
Domestic violence increased by 10% in 2020, according to figures from the Ministry of the Interior, the vast majority of victims remaining women. On the occasion of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, aufeminin received Tatiana-Laurence Delarue, herself a survivor. “We do not remain a victim for life, but we rebuild ourselves for life”, she confides to us.
Today, the young woman forms a happy couple with her husband, Xavier Delarue, met 19 years ago. After domestic violence, how to succeed in trusting again? To rebuild a romantic relationship? How to deal with this past of violence with your partner? Tatiana-Laurence, public figure and activist against domestic violence, tells us her story and gives her advice.
After the violence, the fear of living as a couple
When you manage to get out of an abusive relationship, the urge to get back into a relationship may be absent. “Me, I wasn’t looking for anything, I didn’t want to have a relationship, I was afraid, I didn’t leave my house anymore”, explains Tatiana Laurens to the drafting of Aufeminin. “I thought I was being harmed all the time, I was a bit like a wild animal. I was afraid of humans, afraid of it happening again. For me, it was obligatory because I thought it was It was my fault, that I was the one transforming people and making them violent. That’s what we are made to believe when we are under control. “
Then comes the meeting with Xavier. “It was fate, obvious”, she recalls. “After this episode of violence, I didn’t leave my house anymore, I didn’t see anyone. The first time I agreed to go out, I was in a pub with a friend. I saw Xavier there completely. by chance and there was love at first sight, but I didn’t want to accept it. One evening, we met again by chance. We spoke to each other, we went home and we never met. left. “
Sharing your traumatic experience, a crucial step
How to approach the subject of a past of violence? Tatiana-Laurence Delarue had to tell it all at once. “We went home, had breakfast and I said it all, she recalls. It could have scared him away, or maybe unconsciously, I wanted to scare him away. It was a test. , I think. We unpacked everything about our lives in an increased veracity: we told each other everything. He wanted children, a family very early on and I told him that I didn’t want anything, that I didn’t want to be mother. He was very understanding. “
A non-desire for motherhood born of the violence suffered. “When we first met, Xavier wanted children. But I didn’t feel ready and thought I would never want it. We’ve been together for 19 years and today I’m pregnant”, she explains. “It happens when it happens, is when you feel ready”, she told the victims. If motherhood was not obvious, neither was her new relationship. “We are destroyed when we come out of this violence. I would have panic attacks all the time, for no reason. I could leave at 3 in the morning for a walk. I was in perpetual flight, from everything, from me. I was lucky because Xavier never left me alone, he came with me to reassure me. “ Certain moments of everyday life, however trivial a priori, can also be turned upside down. “At first, when Xavier spoke loudly to tell me that the pasta water was ready, I was scared and I found myself hiding under a table”, she explains.
What advice for people who have experienced violence?
“It must be said that it is possible to have a healthy relationship, insists Tatiana-Laurence Delarue, because the cause is not the victim, despite what she may think. It is not your fault that the person is violent ”. The future mother also wants to send a message of hope. “You can, if you wish, find a healthy married life, have children… You just have to trust yourself,” she encourages. Learning to regain confidence, that does not exist at the moment. It is possible, but with time. And it’s totally normal to be afraid of being in a relationship, you need time to get out of the grip. ”
The founder of the Rose Jaune association also explains that, even if the victim is supported by a benevolent partner, it is necessary “Learn to rebuild yourself on your own.” “The spouse is not a psychologist or a doctor, one should not seek healing through him. He is there to bring a balance, a serenity. ” That she has found today.
Every day, aufeminin’s editorial staff addresses millions of women and supports them in all stages of their lives. The aufeminin editorial staff is made up of committed editors and …