It starts with Aron Boks finding his cheeks too fat, then he stops eating completely and ends up in the clinic with organ damage. Now the 23-year-old has written a book about his illness.
Aron is not a problem child. But on the contrary. He has many friends, is intelligent, grew up in a sheltered environment and was successful at a very young age as an author, presenter and slam poet. He is also severely disordered to eat. His disease eventually progresses to such an extent that he has a BMI below 17 and damage to his heart. In "Air down" the 23-year-old describes the everyday life and madness of an anorexic both self-deprecatingly and dramatically – so captivating that you can't stop reading. We spoke with him.
Barbara.de: How are you doing at the moment?
Aron Boks: Well. Of course, I have to be careful to keep it that way.
I actually wanted to ask about your lowest weight, but then I read that you don't think that's a good thing. Why?
Because I find it pointless to talk about specific numbers. An eating disorder is about people dysfunctional trying to regulate their emotions. Weight alone cannot determine whether and how sick someone is. What's more important is what's going on in your head. This is often not recognized. Basically, of course, I think reporting is good because it draws attention to the problem, but it must not be about satisfying sensationalism alone. In addition, it can be dangerous to shock with weight figures alone. Eating disorders could feel triggered by such information and think that everything is not so bad for them.
Why do you think you got anorexic?
In the beginning it was just about looking better. I was thin, I was never overweight. I don't really know why that was the case. Then it quickly became very fanatical, I tried everything possible: First a lot of sport, then not eating. I wanted to see how far I can go. What was just a game eventually slipped into something pathological.
What was the initial spark?
There were moments when you got a line. It was often about my round face shape. At least I imagined I had one. This imagination turned into hamster cheeks. I looked at myself, compared myself and decided that I can definitely get even thinner. Suddenly there was no turning back from this compulsive thinking.
But it wasn't just about your looks …
It was about control, about being able to do it. At some point you can no longer control it properly. The poisoning of my psyche has become so independent that it has become an overpowering addiction to control. It was like a frenzy. Like addiction in a drug addict who has to keep increasing the dose.
What was your everyday life like?
Very uninteresting. I got up and did only the bare minimum so that I didn't waste too much energy or get hungry. I've tried out how it works to get by with as few resources as possible. I repeated that every day. My goal was not to eat anything. That gave me security. My thoughts only revolved around how to eat as little as possible and how to survive. I wasn't able to do more because I wasn't quite there cognitively. It knocks you out if you don't eat anything.
You were doing so badly that you ended up in the hospital with serious damage.
One must never forget: anorexia nervosa is a deadly disease. Malnutrition can affect the brain and heart. The moment I got to the hospital, everything collapsed for me. I've seen this compulsive control system can't work like that. I was totally shaken. But it was also a relief. The healthy part of me that was still there has finally shown an instinct for survival again.
Why hasn't anyone noticed anything for so long?
My friends and family have already noticed something, they also intervened in the end – and thus saved my life. At some point it could no longer be overlooked. I was completely isolated, I talked differently, I was regularly late for eating situations and always said I had already eaten. I had a lot of avoidance strategies. For example, I not only came late, I also left earlier. I didn't have the energy to do anything any longer. I lied all the time. I always just thought about how I would get away with my addiction, I stressed out and gave exuberantly, even if I had no strength at all. As with any addiction, the anorectic is extremely careful to keep up appearances.
According to statistics, only one in ten anorexic people is male. Do you think you could keep up appearances because of that?
I think so, but I've always hidden my illness. At my public appearances, I often wore two or three sweaters so that no one could see how thin my arms and upper body are – and also because I was constantly cold. I think eating disorders are generally more associated with women, who are generally more quickly suspected. If a girl had asked questions like me, outsiders would probably have pricked up their ears immediately.
What did you see when you looked in the mirror?
I avoided that too. I was uncomfortable to see myself. I've always been dissatisfied with my body, no matter how much I weighed. My disorderly voice was always there. If she were to tell the eating disorder that he is satisfied, that would be wrong at the moment. Then he wouldn't lose weight anymore. So I was always told by her that it wasn't enough.
How loud is your disorderly voice right now?
I have a good grip on them. It will probably always be in me, like a germ that cannot be completely killed. I just have to be careful that the disease doesn't break out again, that it doesn't get louder again.
What is your everyday life like at the moment?
I live. That's really nice. I am healthy, my heart is fine now, I am of normal weight. Otherwise I do what I love to do: I write, perform and am grateful that I have so much energy again and that I can participate in life around me. Spontaneous eating doesn't always work out, but it's fun again. I just have to be careful that I do it anyway.
Do you think that at some point you will completely get rid of anorexia?
It would be terrible if I accepted that it would stay that way forever. It's a fight that I've been and am fighting, but I'm fine right now. She is definitely a part of me, even if I don't want her to come back. She's still there, a bit like an ex-girlfriend who refuses to leave the neighborhood.
On a date, would you tell them straight away that you were anorexic?
I'm not telling this every time I get it, but I'm not making a secret of it either. It is a disease, not a vice.
How can people help in the environment?
You can help by simply being there. Supportive and strict at the same time. It is important that you look carefully, be attentive and not accept everything that the eating disorder says. Therapy and professional advice are also important, because without them you usually cannot get out of this disease.
AronCover "Air down. How I came across my anorexia and lived with it"by Aron Boks is published by Schwarzkopf & Schwarzkopf Verlag and costs 14.99 euros.