Are you a “People Pleaser”? 8 signs identified by psychologists

Well known to our American and/or Anglo-Saxon colleagues, the “People pleaser” is a type of behavior that affects all generations, regardless of their living conditions or situation (family, social, professional). To understand its definition, we must first look at the translation. In French, the expression “People pleaser” literally means “person who wants to please”. Until then, no worries: it is even heartwarming to see individuals who think of others in this increasingly individualistic world.

Except that in reality, the People pleaser makes everyone happy except himself. Indeed, this desire to satisfy others is so strong that he denies and forgets his own needs and desires, however vital they may be. The others then become his priority., to the detriment of his own health (mental as well as physical). Here, the need to please transcends the simple human need to belong. So how do you know if you are affected by people pleasing? What are the signs ? And above all, where does it come from?

“People pleasing”: the signs

Professionals tell us some signs that may indicate that you are a people pleaser.

• Sign n°1: You find it difficult to say “no”: you accept even when you don’t feel like it.

If you think “no” deep inside you, you always end up saying yes… And this applies to all spheres of life. Your kindness and helpfulness have no limits.
– In terms of responsibilities, you agree to carry out additional tasks, even if you hardly have the time to do them, and this, just to satisfy your interlocutor, your manager, your partner.
– On the leisure side, you accept activities that you do not (even) want to do.

• Sign n°2: You are very tolerant with others, but very hard on yourself.

In this sense, if you allow your friends to make certain mistakes, you flog yourself when you make them. Your standards, demands and expectations of others are low, but are excessively high when applied to yourself. You constantly put pressure on yourself.

• Sign #3: You fantasize about other people’s expectations of you, and do everything in your power to match them.

This is also where your high standards come from…

• Sign n°4: You anticipate and respond to the needs of others even before they verbalize them.

Everyone praises your ability to be attentive, while it is your People pleasing that is expressed in reality…

• Sign #5: You act like you’re fine when you’re not.

You pretend that everything is fine when everything is bad: not for the sake of privacy or the preservation of your secret garden, but rather out of a desire not to burden or bother the other with your problems (which you judge trivial and unimportant, moreover).

• Sign #6: You don’t like conflict.

Generally speaking, you don’t like to disagree with someone. So, to avoid confrontation or conflict, you prefer to bow down and lose, or even not express your opinion at all. In a group, you unconsciously let yourself be carried away by the general opinion rather than your personal opinion.

• Sign #7: You accept things and/or situations that don’t make you happy.

You put the happiness of others before your own. Sometimes you do things just for their enjoyment, even though it affects your well-being.

• Sign #8: Others are your priority, not you.

In your mind, their opinions, their needs, their feelings, their ideas are unconsciously more important than yours.

The role of parents in the birth of the People pleaser

Our psyche often stems from the life story we had when we were younger. Parental education in particular plays a crucial role: it can create references, injuries” which continue to impact the adult for many years later, and push him to adopt behaviors that are not necessarily healthy neither for others nor for himself: People pleasing is one of them.

• The transmission of a conditional love

To survive, children need their attachment figures, and more specifically, their parents. So, they observe and learn to identify behaviors that are endorsed by them, which ensure that they always receive their love. Unconsciously, they reapply and deploy said behaviors, even when they are older.
Despite all the goodwill of his parents, the People pleaser child was able to receive a vision of love under conditions : in his psyche, he ended up interpreting thathe had to give to be loved, and that it was not enough for him to exist to receive the affection of his dad and/or his mom. And this phenomenon is all the more true if the child has been parentified… By being the confidant of one of his parents or by being over-responsible, he has learned that it is necessary to accomplish, to give, to listen, even if it means forgetting and neglecting oneself in order to deserve the affection of loved ones.

• A hypervigilance that translates into people pleasing, to avoid situations that would potentially fuel anxiety

If the latter grew up alongside (emotionally) unpredictable parents – like the Eggshell parents, he may have develop anxietywhich he learned to calm down by becoming hypervigilant and by adopting people pleasing strategies. Thanks to these two “personality traits”, he avoids and does not undergo potentially uncomfortable, conflictual or even chaotic situations – real sources of anxiety for him. His hypervigilance allows him to overinterpret the slightest fact, gesture or clue that would lead to a difficult situation (analysis phase), and his People pleasing is part of the anticipatory actions deployed to avoid it (action phase). Indeed, by satisfying others to excess, he ensures that they are not angry and that no danger can arise…

Fear of rejection can cause people pleasing

During his childhood, the individual may have developed a fear of rejection, which today pushes him to please others to excess. According to Lise Bourbeau, fear of rejection refers to “feeling (founded or imagined) of having been rejected and unwanted by the other”. It can come from a setting aside, a refusal, an emotional or physical unavailability of the parent…

The objective of the person affected by this fear is therefore simple: make yourself loved by everyone so you don’t feel rejected again. Therefore, she will do everything to be accepted, and will seek validation from whoever crosses her path. His favorite method? To please in any situation and whatever the conditions.

A behavior fueled by hypersensitivity?

One too great empathy can also turn the individual into a people pleaser. Indeed, his ability to put himself in the place of others is such that he goes as far as anticipating the needs of others so that he lacks nothing and feels good. He will bend over backwards to satisfy him… Even if it means forgetting his own barriers, and overinterpreting his reactions, his words, his thoughts. Cumulative todesire for permanent over-adaptation of the hypersensitivethis empathy turns into People pleasing.