What exactly is empathy? “More complex than simple sympathy, empathy refers to the ability to adopt the point of view of another person to understand their feelings, and therefore also to represent the mental representation of another person.” explains Saverio Tomasella, psychologist and psychoanalyst. Summarized more simply: “L’empathyis the ability to take someone else’s point of view“.
Definition: what is an empathetic person? The psychologist’s response
Attention ! “It is not, contrary to what one might believe, about putting oneself in the other’s place. That’s not really possible!nuance the psychologist. Empathy consists rather of adopting the intellectual and emotional point of view of the person: in this situation, what is their logic, how does they think? And above all: what does she feel in this situation?“
By broadening this definition, we could therefore say that empathy has two sides: an emotional aspect and a cognitive aspect.
What does it mean to be empathetic?
An example to understand. “You are at the supermarket. In a department, a woman slips and falls. If you are an empathetic person, you will feel their surprise, their pain, their shame, their embarrassment… without even thinking about it, instinctively.”
“In this situation, if you take into account your empathy (emotional and cognitive), you will help the victim. If you don’t take this into account, you will go your way.“We must therefore differentiate between “having empathy” and “always being ready to help others”: “a person can be very empathetic but not use this ability, for various reasons” underlines the psychoanalyst.
Attention ! “Empathy can also be happy! When your best friend gets married, if you are someone with high empathy, you will definitely feel her happiness” specifies Saverio Tomasella.
Is empathy a quality or a defect?
Is everyone gifted with empathy? Yes, answers Saverio Tomasella. “From the age of 8-9 months, babies are capable of showing empathy. On the other hand, this faculty does not develop in the same way in everyone: if the child/adolescent is educated in a context of caring love, he will in turn develop strong empathy. But if his parents lack benevolence (when there is neglectmistreatment, mockery, insults, etc.), he risks not developing this faculty to its full potential.“
What is empathy for? Because it allows us to feel and understand the emotions of others, “empathy is a faculty which is used above all to understand others and to live in relationship with them” replies the psychologist.
Is it possible to have (much) too much empathy or too strong/too intense empathy?
Can we suffer from excess empathy? It’s more complicated than that, according to Saverio Tomasella: “if empathy designates the ability to understand the other’s point of view, no, we cannot have too much, because we cannot “understand too much” what others experience and feel“.
On the other hand, empathetic people can be confronted with two difficulties: “I identify too much with the other” and “I merge with the other”. What does that mean exactly?
How do you know if you’re being too empathetic?
I identify too much with the other. “Let’s imagine that you come across a homeless person on the street. You stop and give him a coin. But because you identify too much with this person (it could be you, or someone dear to you), you continue to think about them even after returning home: you worry, you create scenarios in your mind. head… and you go back to see her the next day” describes Saverio Tomasella. The risk? “It’s about doing too much to the detriment of yourself: this “excess of empathy” can harm your time, your budget, your family…“
I merge with the other. This situation mainly concerns very close relationships (family or friends): “there is no longer any difference between this person and you: what happens to him also happens to you. When someone else is going through a difficult situation, you suffer as much as they do. There is a mixture between your two personalities, the emotions of the other mix with yours… and this can become pathological over time, in certain cases” explains the psychologist.
How do you regulate yourself when you have too much empathy?
How to limit hyper-empathy? If you feel like you’re suffering from “excess empathy”, psychologist and psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella recommends a little well-being exercise:feel your inner weather“.
Concretely ? “Before meeting the person with whom you suffer from hyper-empathy (fusional or not), take the time to take stock of your internal weather: how are you feeling? Take a look at your feelings, emotions and feelings: I am tired, I am cold, I am hungry, I am happy, I am relaxed, I am stressed… From this simple fact, you will be able to tell the difference between your own feelings and those which are “inspired” by the other person – and which do not belong to you.“
The challenge is to identify “what really comes from you and what comes from others“… so as not to be parasitized by the emotions of others, and to remain attentive to your own needs.
Thanks to Saverio Tomasella, doctor of psychology and psychoanalyst, author of Open letter to sensitive souls who want to remain sensitive (ed. Larousse).
Read also :
⋙ Empathy, the new secret to happiness?
⋙ Education: what is the “3 figures game” which teaches empathy to children?
⋙ 5 exercises to develop your sense of compassion