“At 25, I am asexual and my relationship is going very well”

“Can we love without making love?” To this question, Anna Mangeot answers bluntly: “obviously”. At 25, the young woman is asexual. She didn’t always know it, but she ended up understanding it by observing his total absence of carnal desire.

Today, in perfect harmony with her identity, the author and entrepreneur in second-hand fashion campaigns for asexual visibility. She has also just released a book, Asexual, published on January 31 by Larousse editions. His will ? Make this orientation known and break the taboo. She tells us her story.

Asexuality, a sexual orientation “like the others”?

“Asexuality is a sexual orientation like any other”Anna begins. “Asexuals have no desire, no libido and no sexual arousal. We are not attracted to any gender or in very specific circumstances”, she specifies. According to the young woman, there is not just one way to be asexual. “For those who are at the extreme like me, it’s a sexual orientation. But for others, it’s also full of possible nuances”.

If she puts words to it today, Anna hasn’t always done so. “I appropriated the word as such when I was 21. Before that, I always knew I wasn’t like the others”, she explains. After her first boyfriend at the age of 14, she had a series of relationships. She then discovers her total lack of desire, a complicated moment for her to experience. “My partners had sexual desires that I didn’t have”she sighs.

“Am I sick?”

Gripped with doubts, anxiety and guilt, the teenager is incomprehensible. “What is the cause of this lack of excitement? Am I sick?”, she remembers asking herself. Despite his desire to desire and satisfy his spouses, there is nothing to do: “Despite all my efforts, it wouldn’t come”. A situation that weighs on him and also causes him to have bad experiences. “My first partner abused me because he wouldn’t take no for an answer from me. It created trauma”.

For a long time, Anna suffered from very strong anxiety attacks and intense depressive phases. “I felt really alone, I was on the verge of suicide”, she admits. Today, the author knows that her suffering came from “something very unconscious: in the collective imagination, there is no human without sexual attraction”. “We have no legitimacy to exist”she says.

Asexuality, a discovery on social networks

At 21, she came across the word “asexual” on social media. “It was the video of a girl dancing, super happy, and who talks about it like something ordinary”she remembers. “It unlocked something in me. I did some research and found some resources and testimonies that echoed my story. I was on the RER and I cried because I realized that I was not alone”she confides.

At the time, the young girl quickly spoke about it to those around her. His parents react “Alright” and his friends, for their part, are “fairly aware of queer issues”. “I assumed quickly. It has even become an object of pride!”assures the entrepreneur, who says she “appropriate the codes of the queer community”. She also announces it to her partner, with whom she has been in a relationship for two years. He doesn’t judge her and accepts her completely.

“My partner experiences my asexuality very well”

Six years later, the two lovebirds are still together. Better yet: they’re engaged! “We are very happy”says Anna. “He sees my asexuality well. We check in regularly to find out if we are still happy with each other.. Ultimately, aside from this point of divergence that we have, we are very compatible!”, she enthuses. If his relationship works so well, it’s because their intimacy “goes well beyond sexuality”.

“We share moments together, we do things that we both love. We are very attracted to each other thanks to many other factors”, she says. Above all, the absence of a sex life does not prevent them from having tenderness and frequent physical contact. “We kisses, caresses and cuddles, we take showers together, he brushes and dries my hair, I wax his beard…”, she quotes.

Sexuality, an “easy solution”?

Enough to call into question, in the eyes of the young woman, the very definition of sexuality. “Why shouldn’t all of this be part of sexuality?”she asks herself. “Sexuality, in the sense in which we know it today, is often an automatism, an easy solution to create intimacy, to reconcile, etc. We don’t have that solution.”she analyzes.

More fulfilled than ever, the writer and her partner are even starting to think about the idea of ​​starting a family. “Having a child is one of our projects. Maybe we’ll go with penetration, and if not, there are other methods, who cares!”she exclaims.

A “real lack of representation” of asexuality in public space

In addition to her personal life and her professional projects, Anna is very present on social networks, where she talks openly about her asexuality. A public speech which receives mixed reactions. “I was able to receive contemptuous comments, very violent criticism and insults. But, in a third of cases, these are kind messages or liberating speeches”. In all cases, “the reactions are always super intense”she notes.

But whatever the reactions, talking about it openly is too important for the 25-year-old author. “There is a real lack of representation, I immediately said to myself that I had to take over by speaking publicly”she said proudly.

“Asexuals are afraid to take responsibility for themselves”

“There is a general misunderstanding. People don’t know what it is and some don’t even know the word”, she also regrets. For the activist, it is important and urgent to break this taboo. “Asexuals are afraid to take responsibility for themselves because the gaze of others can be hard to deal with”. If she notes some progress, “we are still very late compared to other gender identities or sexual orientations”.

The problem, according to her, is the “miserabilist prism” through which asexuals are perceived. “We believe that something quite sadthat it is not possible to imagine a life without sex, while it’s super positive. This does not prevent love, peace and happiness”she considers, reminding in passing that asexuality should not be confused with the fact of being asexual (not having a sex). “The term and its reality are not yet understood”she whispers.

It was to reach more people that Anna wrote her first book, Asexual. Its first objective is its “revanchist side” who dictated it to him. “I wanted to make something of my pain and my anxieties of the past, to give substance to my story”, she expresses. The second, “it was about doing more, helping people, getting them out of the darkness I was in”she reveals. “If I can change the life of at least one person, then I have succeeded”.