When an argument breaks out between you and your partner, it is tempting to call on a witness to get him to come to your defense. But beware, this strategy has a price!
If you’re used to spending time with couples, this situation might sound familiar. An argument breaks out between the two companions, and you find yourself admiring the height of the ceiling as you wait for the conflict to be resolved. But sometimes, one of them, not content to leave you out of it all, leans towards you (or stares at you, depending on the subtlety of each) and says: “You agree with me, right?” Taken in a pincer movement, you have several choices, including that of taking the side of the person with whom you are closest or playing Switzerland. This technique, consisting of a member of a couple calling on a third person, usually a friend or a family member, to help defuse the conflict, has a name: triangulation.
However, this method can be extremely toxic for couples, according to relationship expert Kimberly Tomlinson, interviewed in Stylist UK. “If the person you’re involving isn’t a therapist, that’s not a healthy way to resolve conflict at all.”, she explains in the columns of the magazine. “Arguments, even the most odious, the most painful, are sometimes sensitive discussions that should remain between the members of the couple. Asking for help from a third person can impede communication and fracture your partner’s trust in you. “Even if this third person wants to help you, they have their own biases and could harm the couple’s relationship.“.
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How to avoid triangulation?
So what do you do when you can’t help involving your friends in your arguments? “You have to ask yourself why you feel the need or the urge to bring in another party”, recommends relationship expert Kimberly Tomlinson. For her, it is above all necessary to call on a professional to manage the relationship: “A trained therapist or professional support can also help unlearn the habit of triangulation.” And, if you are the third person involved, nothing prevents you from sending this article to your friends in couple!