Definition of passionate love
Passionate love, to differentiate from fusional love, is a love that occupies all the mental space, in passion, there is no room for other things, it is very difficult to think of other thing. It is an invasive love, which can be on different levels: on the sexual level, on the love level … It responds to the need to be with the other: even when the person is not there, he is still there in a way.
Like love at first sight, love passion has something very invasive: all of a sudden you are struck by a lightning that invades all psychic space. A state of mind that can, in some cases, lead to forgetting one's children, being disrupted in our professional role, upsetting our relationship if we are already with someone … Everything is turned upside down!
If we think about passionate love in the context of a romantic relationship, we can speak of passionate love in other types of relationship. "We can experience it for example, with regard to a sick child, or when we are going to lose someone, for example. Passionate love can also exist after the death of the other, and can arise at different times in history ", explains Patricia Delahaie, psychosociologist and life coach.
Indeed, we often talk about the passion for love at the start of a relationship, but there is something mysterious about it, as the specialist points out, there are love stories that start "soft", like friendship stories that turn into a love story, for example. The love passion can also be triggered at the end of the relationship, when one leaves.
Passionate love: the signs that indicate that we are living this type of relationship:
- We only think about that: we wake up at night, we think about it, in the morning, we think about it …
- We are absent when we do something else
- It's hard to focus on something else
- It requires an effort to entertain ourselves otherwise …
Does love passion last?
Passionate love is not necessarily a negative thing, and can last over time, says Patricia Delahaie: "There are really people who live a great love passionate, who enjoy meeting, being together. In this type of couple, there is something special: we constantly want to call each other, to see each other, to make love… ". There is no suffering, the tone of this relationship is joy and love, the pleasure of being together.
"There are very joyful passionate loves, or the great interest of his life, even the only interest, is this man. Some couples like that, have not experienced the desire to have children, or to circle of friends, they are so self-sufficient … It's a kind of happy fusion ", explains the life coach
On the other hand, what differentiates happy passion from destructive passion is that in the first case, we are happy to find ourselves, and this can last, and in the other case, we are afraid. Fear of losing the other, fear of the harm it will do us, of the power it has over us …
Can passionate love be destructive?
If there are happy passions, there are also destructive passions, which will have suffering as a general tone.
The destructive passion will have the particularity to take root in fear, in excitement, in anxiety, in anger that the relationship is not as beautiful as it could be in the fantasy that one actually.
"A destructive passion is often a story we dream about a lot, where the fantasy takes an important part: we prolong, we ruminate, we maintain this flame, we don't stop blowing on it with the story we tell. ", she explains.
"He's the man of my life, he's made for me, I'm made for him …", passion is fueled by fantasy, by the story we tell.
How do you get out of a destructive passion?
Wanting to get out of a destructive passionate love can be complicated, because this type of relationship gives meaning to the person's life, fills a void, makes you dream … "This passion brings joys, short certainly, but immense, like the effect of a shoot with the drugs. That is why, it is very often difficult to give up that", recognizes the psychosociologist, author of How to cure love sickness (Éditions Leduc.S).
Destructive passion is an unhappy passion: in a way, we have not managed to be loved as we would have liked to be loved. Self-esteem has taken a hit. When you finally decide to want to get out of it (and this can last for years), it is first of all necessary to work on self-esteem.
Other reflexes will help, such as:
- Cut the fantasy, forbid the fantasy, stop telling this story, ask yourself a thousand questions
- Stop telling yourself that we would be happy with him, because the moments of joy are far too short
- Avoid being connected to the slightest of things that brings us back to this story (frequented places, message, photos …)
- Reconnect with all the pleasures that preceded this story, resume the activity or activities that we liked
- To take on new challenges, to develop and build new memories (traveling, resuming studies, starting a new sport, signing up for a singing lesson or a theatrical improvisation course, etc.)
- Work on self-esteem, self-confidence
"What is amazing when you are in it is that you think you will never get out of it: when it is possible! Although it is more or less long … The idea is to to conquer or regain self-esteem, because when you love yourself, you have less need to focus on the other, you are less excessive in your relationships. ", advises Patricia Delahaie
Thank you to Patricia Delahaie, Psychosociologist and Life Coach, author of How to cure a bad love (Éditions Leduc.S) and Ces amours qui ma mal mal (Éditions Marabout). www.patriciadelahaie.com
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