As common in women as in men, jealousy can be defined as a negative emotion based on insecurity that appears due to the threat, real or imaginary, of the loss of a partner, linked to the presence of a rival. There are different forms of jealousy. “There is jealousy in general, the one we can experience when we feel envious (it is sometimes mixed with a feeling of rivalry). Romantic jealousy manifests itself when we are afraid of losing the love of our partner. Jealousy is a feeling that we can all feel but at different intensities depending on our personality and our past history.explains Géraldyne Prévot Gigant, psychopractitioner, facilitator of support groups for women and author of the book Women and Love (Ed. Leduc)
Jealousy: what are its causes?
The causes of jealousy are multiple but they are often linked to the fear of losing one’s spouse, of being replaced and of being abandoned. This fear is generally fueled by lack of confidence in oneself or in one’s partner and sometimes dates back to childhood. “Jealousy is a feeling common to anyone lackingself esteem or having received an education emphasizing the belief that one must fight for one’s place and that others are competitors anyway. As for romantic jealousy, it is mainly found in people who have experienced abandonment in childhood, breakups, rejections or physical and/or psychological violence.“, explains Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. Jealousy can also be linked to a past history. “Difficult love stories that went badly could traumatize us or even induce in us a fear of experiencing a similar situation again with the partner of the moment. This is the reason why jealousy is, most often, not justified but is simply a fear that we project onto a context or a person. We then have the need to control the situation to calm theanxiety“, underlines Géraldyne Prévot Gigant.
Jealousy: when does it become pathological?
Jealousy is healthy as long as it manifests itself through measured and temporary reactions, as long as it is not a source of suffering for one or both partners and as long as it has no impact negative on the relationship. “Jealousy becomes pathological when the emotions are extreme, regular and uncontrollable, leading to a form of paranoia. The jealous person alternately feels anxiety, anger (even rage) and sadness. She is overcome by obsessive thoughts. She wants to know everything about her partner’s doings and constantly monitors him“, notes Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. On the verge of paranoia, the morbidly jealous person misinterprets the actions of their partner and associates them with betrayal, loss and/or abandonment.
Jealousy: can we cure it?
It is entirely possible to stop being dominated by jealousy from the moment this suffering is identified and the person concerned realizes that they need help. Psychotherapy is then indicated to identify the origin of the problem and soothe the injuries associated with it. “Psychotherapy also allows us to understand our unconscious love choices, in direct connection with our history. But above all, it allows you to discover how to develop inner security by entering into a relationship with yourself. The other essential pillar to discover, and to work on, is the lack of esteem, confidence and self-love“, underlines Géraldyne Prévot Gigant.
Jealousy: the right reflexes to get rid of it
To mitigate the effects of jealousy or at least control it, Géraldyne Prévot Gigant advises following some advice.
Take responsibility for your jealousy
“In other words, become aware of it and no longer blame others. Take your share of responsibility for your suffering. This first step is the most difficult but the most important because it is the beginning of emotional freedom and fulfilling romantic relationships.“.
Dare to ask for help from a professional
“This support will allow you to be understood and helped to find a balance.”
Ask yourself if the suspicions are realistic
“Most of the time, your fear distorts your perception. You may see signs of infidelity everywhere when it really isn’t.“
Learn to calmly express your fear to your partner
“If communication is difficult or even impossible with your partner, suggest that they consult a couples therapist together“.
Breathe deeply during a jealous attack
“Keep in mind the idea of talking about it later and calmly“
Think about what activated this emotion
“When you feel threatened, ask yourself if it is a situation, a personality, a context, a sentence, a behavior and make connections with possible similar situations“
Stop comparing yourself
“When you underestimate yourself, you always find others better than you. You are not objective“
List your qualities
“If you can’t find one, remember the compliments from your friends“
Questioning the relationship
“Ask yourself if your partner makes you feel insecure“
Put your romantic history on paper
“This will allow you to become aware of possible repetitions of situations“, explains Géraldyne Prévot Gigant