A relationship is subject to constant change, because the partners change over time. The chameleon effect seems to resolve differences between lovers in the short term – but if it becomes constant, it can be harmful.
Adjusting and compromising are part of a relationship. Because lovers cannot always come to the same denominator. In most situations, the charmeleon effect is something quite harmless that can even strengthen a bond: the unconscious mirroring of the behavior of a conversation partner. You probably know it too: you cross your legs in a conversation and the other person promptly does the same. Or you adopt certain idiosyncrasies of the other over time – that doesn’t necessarily have to be bad and creates a feeling of connectedness.
However, some people consciously try to mirror the behavior and preferences of their partner and constantly adapt to them. They neglect their own needs, listen to themselves less and less, forget their own principles or hobbies – in such cases the chameleon effect goes too far.
How to spot the Charmeleon Effect
Overfitting and settling for too many things often has something to do with people pleasing. This is behavior in which people try to please others – and put their own needs aside in order to do so. They avoid conflicts because they want a harmonious get-together. In a relationship, therefore, phrases like:
- “I don’t care what we order. Anything you want to eat is fine with me.”
- “Yes, I absolutely agree with you” or “Yes, I agree” (although not only sometimes, but possibly always)
- “That’s alright, I’ll follow you completely.”
- “I didn’t mean it like that, I meant it like you do!”
Why it is important to stand up for yourself
The social worker Jourdan Travers explains on “Psychology Today” what causes and consequences it can have when you consciously mirror the behavior of another person – and why it can be unhealthy for your own psyche in the long run.
You want to feel validated
people want to belong. But when the constant desire for validation dominates, they can lose themselves. The problem: They constantly use a new mask that suits their friend or partner. True identity suffers as a result. It can also weaken the trust in a relationship if it turns out that one person doesn’t think everything they said about the other person is great – or that it’s “always okay”. Recognizing your own worth is therefore the most important step towards improvement. Your own opinion, your own wishes and the differences to others make for exciting interactions.
You want to be sensitive
People who use the chameleon effect are often empathetic and don’t want to impose their own problems or opinions on others. They also often lack self-confidence, so they prefer to be quiet or agree rather than give their opinions. After all, it helps the other person if he:she feels understood. In order to promote real relationships and to preserve one’s identity, however, it is important to find a balance between genuine empathy and confident self-expression.
The result: you lose yourself
One’s own basic values become increasingly vague if they are not communicated. Those who rarely express their opinion harm themselves and the relationship. Constant compromises can erode the basis for personal growth and mutual respect. And when someone loses their true self in a relationship, they don’t love themselves, just a facade that has been put up. Inevitably, the person wonders what would happen if they stood up for themselves: could the relationship with their identity even exist?
Normally, people in a relationship appreciate the personality of the other – their individuality and differences make them exciting for us. However, if you haven’t gotten to know these points properly because of the Charmeleon Effect, it can be difficult to escape from it. Affected must learn to maintain their core values and embrace their uniqueness. Because a relationship built on authenticity and honesty is more likely to survive than one that only pretends to be perfect.
Sources used: Psychology Today, National Library of Medicine, Verywell Mind