Cheating: Does every long relationship need an affair?

To cheat on
Does every long relationship need an affair?

In short: Nobody needs an affair like nobody needs appendicitis or an SUV. But: Many couples can’t do it without it.

Cheating: Isn’t it possible in a long relationship without it?

I live in a longstanding relationship. Did I have an affair? Yes. Did my wife have an affair? Yes. Did they have anything to do with the length of our relationship? No. Were they necessary then? Unfortunately yes. And did I have to write it so personally now? Yes. Because I want to say that affairs are part of our life. And can happen to anyone, including so-called relationship experts. Affair is something immensely banal. Not in the painful and trust-destroying effect they have on the cheated person and the couple. But because it is nonsense to assume that in a good relationship we would never have sexual desires that are not directed towards other possible sexual partners. Therefore, not every affair is an expression of a deep crisis.

Too much alcohol, an exciting casual acquaintance on a boring business trip, too much porn consumption, the childlike desire to do the forbidden, or the idea of ​​having to free yourself from a sexual congestion in partnership – all of this can tempt you to fling. But we control our decisions and are not the victims of our needs that force us to cheat. If we do, we either do it because we indulge in strong affects for a short time. Or because we actually turned to someone else emotionally. Often we also make up for a deficiency that we experience in our relationship by having an affair or an affair. An affair reveals something about a difficult or unsatisfactory relationship rather than about the length of life together. If we combine long-term relationships with unavoidable affairs, then we are falling into two errors: That sex with the same / the same partner: in necessarily becomes boring and at some point no longer takes place. And that the affair is primarily about sex.

Of course, it’s also about sex.

But in fact, we often tend to seek closeness to someone else when we are on the side. Or that to ourselves: unconsciously we cheat in order to revive parts of our selves. As Ödön von Horváth wrote: “Actually, I’m very different, only I rarely get around to it.” But that too has less to do with the years our relationship has under its belt and more to do with how we shape our lives.

So does every long relationship need an affair? Is it inevitable? Certainly not. But it is often the painful path that is taken in a (long) relationship in order to regain the lost or even satisfactory emotional intimacy with one another. Because in order to deal with an affair, we have to turn back to each other and open up. We have – and this is our chance – to enter into a new relationship with one another.

Brigitte 17/2018
Brigitte