Cheating in the head: when does it become dangerous for the relationship?

BRIGITTE: To be honest, doesn’t every person who is in a relationship dream of someone else from time to time?

Sandra Konrad: That depends on the stage the relationship is in. When you are freshly in love, very few dream of someone else. Then this person is the greatest in the world. At some point, however, the time of “disappointment” will come. When being in love turns into a love relationship, we have understood that the partner (s) also has sides that we don’t like. I think the problem is not that people dream of others, but that they dream of their partner (s): in a little bit differently. It disturbs this and that corner, which can lead to the fact that someone else who does not have these flaws is brought in in his mind.

Let’s assume this is the case: Has something broken in the relationship?

The idea that one person gives us everything is romantic, but wrong. The lack, the longing and every now and then the disappointment also belong to love. So it depends on how we deal with it. If we decide to always go to the next at difficult points, we prevent ourselves from developing further. It would be ideal to speak to the partner: in and say that something is missing. What attracts us to the other is what we lack in the relationship.

But very often there is no talk …

Yes, and that doesn’t make sense. Many people find it difficult to be happy and content with the relationship when the passion and romance have faded a little. They look for the tension in the outside, they idealize the other: n. Then people sit in front of me who ask me what to do. They fluctuate between the poles of security and tension.

And: what do you advise?

I do not advise anything. I accompany people in their decision-making.

We need both: passion and security

Okay, how can you help at this stage?

The problem for the individual is that these poles seem to be very far apart. For women, the new man / woman stands for liveliness and tension and the old man / woman for security and loving bond. But we need both in life, and in the best case we integrate them. But that only works if we take responsibility ourselves. By checking what we can do ourselves to make us happier. And of course talk to each other. What do I need from my / my partner: in, so that it becomes more alive again? Do we have to do something together again, find a new hobby without the children leaving or take a hotel room in our own town? That sounds banal, but that’s exactly what we would do with the other person we’re having our emotional affair with.

Isn’t there also a case in which the man / woman in the head is the better partner: in? And do we stay with the old one just out of habit or fear?

It depends on what the relationship is like. Let us imagine, for example, that the partner (s): in would be disinterested and loveless. He / she would do things that are harmful to us. He / she would devalue us or withdraw completely. Then you should ask yourself: Why do I stay with this person? Of course, a new partner can accelerate or facilitate the decision to break away from a loveless relationship. However, we should first make the decision to “leave or stay” for ourselves, because the other person stands for our longing, for our lack, and we do not know whether the new relationship will keep what it promises. In such a phase I encourage you to seriously ask yourself: What do I need in a relationship to be happy? Have I ever been satisfied in my current relationship? Did I do everything myself? Has my: e partner: done everything for it? And: are there still opportunities for us?

There is a lack of loving contact in the relationship

Why is it so difficult for us to talk to our partner: in?

Lots of couples talk to each other. But not always in such a way that one can listen or the other is heard. In everyday life we ​​miss the moments to open up and come into loving contact with one another. Then you might have sex every now and then and talk three words to each other while you eat – if at all. If you don’t feel seen for a long period of time, disappointment builds up, causing the sound to become rougher or you withdraw and move away from each other.

Should you tell your partner about the man / woman in your head?

It depends on the communication culture in the relationship how openly you talk to each other. It’s like sex, there are people who are good at talking about their wishes and others are ashamed. Some feel that their needs are valuable and that they are allowed to say them, and others do not allow themselves to.

But it’s also about jealousy and fear of loss …

Yes, of couse. If my: e partner: in is very jealous, it would be unwise to say that you find a colleague: in great. Then the other person would be so offended and alarmed that they could no longer listen. In this case it would be more clever to say: you know, I am missing something in our relationship, I would wish that we could change something together or that you would do this or that thing. It is always good to name things the way you want and stick to your own feelings.

The “emergency swarm”

The famous I-messages …

Yes, but there are differences. “I think you’re an asshole” is also a first-person message at first glance. But what are the feelings? Am i angry or disappointed? About what exactly? Often we generalize our accusations with “never” or “always” so that the other person has to justify himself immediately in order not to feel destroyed. Emotional conversations aren’t always easy, but they’re good for you. They lead to the fact that we feel understood and that more closeness can emerge again.

Do you dream of someone else to have someone on the reserve bank in case the relationship should fail?

I call this the “emergency swarm”. This is usually done with the ex-boyfriend: in. Sometimes the idea of ​​a dream man / woman is helpful in getting through difficult phases in a relationship. Or to reassure yourself that there are other great people out there too, should the breakup occur. It only gets dramatic when you slide too much into the fantasy world and don’t see that the other person has rough edges too. Everything that stays in your head cannot be checked.

Brigitte