We love fairy tales. The Cinderella complex describes that they can also come to a bad end for us and our daughters.
We have all been told fairy tales for years. Fairy tales in which the princess' only reason to exist is to wait for the prince who will save her from her predicament and lead her into a beautiful, happy life. Unfortunately, it can happen that we take such stories too much to heart and develop the so-called Cinderella complex or already have it.
Cinderella Complex: That’s what it’s all about
The Cinderella complex arises in childhood and, like everything that shaped us in the early years, can affect our later relationships and social bonds. Colette Dowling had already researched the Cinderella complex in 1981 and the results in her book The Cinderella Complex: Women's Secret Fear of Independence collected. It describes the unconscious desire of women to want to feel protected and secure at all times. In order for this need to be fulfilled, she puts all other wishes and needs behind. Dowling sees the roots of this behavior in upbringing and social and religious pressure. Behind this syndrome lies the fear of independence. And of course princesses as role models pay into this account, because they convey an image of women that can harm our daughters, namely that we women should only wait for the prince in shining armor to tear down the rose hedge, to wake us out of eternal sleep ( figuratively) kisses and puts the world at your feet. But it is well known that in real life it doesn't follow these rules of the game.
Lovely – nobody wants to be like that today!
According to the fairy tale, a woman should be innocent, beautiful and submissive, at the same time of course also dependent on her husband or her “prince”. What, according to Dowling, is conveyed through fairy tales is that a woman can only change the path of her life by entering into a relationship with a man. Otherwise she will remain a slave forever. That has of course changed and we women are much further ahead than we were 200 or even 20 years ago. We have jobs, we have relationships on an equal footing, we are more independent, we stand on our own two feet and a marriage no longer means giving up all personal rights and the transition of the woman into the possession of the man. Nevertheless, there is still a lot of room for improvement when it comes to being really equal, putting role models aside and breaking old patterns.
But there are many dependencies
Unfortunately, our today is by no means a protection from sitting in the tower like Rapunzel. Dependencies in partnerships are not uncommon. Not only in many cultures and religious communities, also here in enlightened Germany. And there are some things that partnerships just naturally carry with them. But once it becomes existential, it can be suffocating for both and a real stress test for any relationship. Of course, every one of us wants a hug from time to time, the feeling of security, encouraging words. But if you have the feeling that the other person has to save you and that permanently, you should urgently take a look at your own patterns and work on yourself. And that's going to be tough, but it's very important.
Nobody should be a submissive mouse
Unhappy, submissive, frustrated, lonely and scared – nobody wants to live like this. The way out of an addiction, especially out of an emotional addiction, is long, difficult and painful. It is not without reason that many people jump straight into a new one after the end of a relationship because they cannot or do not want to endure the feelings of abandonment. Unfortunately, that's where the vicious circle begins. It is therefore all the more important to take precautions from an early age and to let our children grow in themselves, to give them self-confidence and to strengthen their self-worth.
Protect children and push the princess off the throne
Of course, all of this does not mean that your daughter is no longer allowed to jump around in Elsa costume or that she shouldn't spend cozy movie evenings with Snow White and Co – on the contrary: Look and talk about why it is so important that princesses can also stand on their own two feet should be able to stand. That a healthy self-confidence and trust in yourself and your abilities are the key to personal happiness. So it's all the more beautiful that there are now a lot of fairy tales at the end of which it is not the prince who lifts his fairies onto the white horse, but young women who have found themselves. And the moral of the story: Be your own prince and build your own castle. You can then invite someone there who is your equal.
If you are still looking for inspiration, what you can read instead of fairy tales, we have ready.
