Being able to rise above it
Secrets of people who don’t let others put them down
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Criticism, verbal barbs, tactless insults – things like that can sometimes do more than just spoil our mood. Which thoughts can help us to rise above it more often when others approach us.
Dealing with feedback can be tricky. Many people have problems with any kind of feedback, but especially negative criticism or verbal devaluation. We often get upset when someone tells us that we have done something bad or that we are unlovable in some way. We feel wrong, doubt ourselves, become insecure, fearful and inhibited. At least for a brief moment. This is understandable: we are social creatures for whom it is important to be accepted, integrated and liked. If we get signals that this might not be the case, we quickly become alarmed. Often, however, wrongly or excessively, because in the rarest of cases there is one Insult or derogatory feedback poses a real threat to us. They are rarely worth our excitement and unrest.
So how can we address this dilemma? What can we do so that every harsh statement from another person doesn’t throw us off track? The best remedy is probably a strong and stable self-confidence combined with a healthy self-esteem. We can add that to our long-term goals list when we get the chance. If we don’t happen to have this unbeatable combination at hand, the following thoughts may be able to help in some situations and crises.
3 thoughts will help you feel less easily attacked
The other person has issues that they take out on me
The fact that life is not an ice cream parlor does not justify treating other people disrespectfully and carelessly. But it can help us to classify when a person behaves this way towards us. Maybe the person has stress at work, problems in a relationship or simply never learned to criticize constructively, be understanding of those around them, maintain boundaries or be polite. Whatever the background, when someone feels the urge to attack and devalue us, in most cases it has more to do with that person than with us.
The other person doesn’t know me
Other people judge us and our behavior based on what they perceive (and what they believe and who they are). But what they perceive is not us. They don’t know our thoughts, our intentions, or our history. For example, a tattoo that means a lot to the person wearing it may seem merely ugly to another person who does not know that meaning. In addition, human perception can be flawed: for example, we tend to focus more on the negative or see what confirms our assumptions and opinions rather than what challenges them. This can result in a person being bothered by the one aspect that we didn’t consider or that we screwed up, instead of honoring everything we did well. Or that it interprets everything we do in favor of its self-validation – and distorts it in the process.
That’s why the judgments that other people make of us often don’t do us justice. They can’t do that because other people don’t have the information they need to make a comprehensive and fair assessment. Especially not when it comes to strangers we have never met before or who know little about us.
The other person is simply telling me their perspective
Communication is mostly an exchange of points of view. When a person tells us that we are stupid or have done something wrong, they are primarily communicating how they see things. Yes, their interests, feelings and other things often come into play, but above all they give us an insight into their perspective. In principle, she is entitled to do this as long as she does not violate applicable laws. In the same way, we are entitled not to adopt their point of view and to give preference to our own – or that of other people. Every person is allowed to see us and think whatever they want of us, and they can even tell us. But how someone sees us or what someone thinks of us doesn’t have to do anything with us and we don’t have to see it the same way or find it right. If we can gain something from another person’s perspective, if it benefits us and helps us further, it is an enrichment for us that he:she shares it with us, and we don’t have to feel bad or small or attacked. If, on the other hand, it is unqualified, destructive and incomprehensible to us, we can leave it alone without letting it affect us.