An ambiguous compliment, an attack packaged as well-intentioned criticism, a subtle insult – sometimes people torpedo our self-esteem without us knowing what is happening to us. You can read here how you can react in such situations.
Whether at work, in the family environment, in a partner or friendship – whenever and wherever we get together with other people, we can learn, love, laugh, experience encouragement, security and inspiration. But we can also be slowed down, depressed, hurt, unsettled and attacked. We step on each other’s toes, push each other back and forth, hurt each other and belittle each other. Occasionally we notice when we are attacking another person, maybe even do it consciously, but often enough it happens to us accidentally – just like it does to others.
A thoughtless remark motivated by envy. A comment that comes primarily from a desire to present and feel better about oneself. Something like that happens. Us and others.
While on the one hand we can strive to be more mindful and more aware of the impact of our behavior on those around us, at the same time it makes sense to find strategies for ourselves to protect ourselves from the trampling of the other elephants in this Defend the china shop in which we all live together. Psychologist Robert Kraft suggests the following strategies in a blog entry for “Psychology Today.”
4 ways to defend yourself when someone tries to put you down
The “not for everyone” answer
When a person makes disparaging comments about one of our decisions, the spontaneous response that comes up is “it’s not for everyone”:
“Do you really want to eat baked Camembert now?” – “Sure. But my eating habits are certainly not suitable for everyone.”
“I would never move into such a small apartment.” – “It’s just not right for everyone.”
With this standard response we defuse an attack, taking away its force and effectiveness without initiating a counterattack and inflaming a conflict. Apart from that, we use what was intended to unsettle us to build ourselves up and strengthen our self: by emphasizing that we are not just any person, but special and independent.
The micro-reaction
“Even you could do that.” – “That’s because you’re never on time.” In the case of such taunts, it may make sense to give them a look but not a verbal reaction. A deliberately serious expression, a briefly raised eyebrow, a clenching of the upper and lower jaw. In this way we can signal to our counterpart that we have noticed the provocation, disapprove of it, but do not want to go into it any further. Especially for people who hate confrontation and feel very insecure about it, this strategy can be a good way to still stand up for yourself and defend yourself.
The neutralization tactic
A clever and disarming and disappointing method for attackers is to take the power out of the attack by neutralizing the ammunition used. “I didn’t know you paid so little in your job.” – “Yes, yes, we are very underpaid, you can hardly build up a lot of wealth there. Maybe that’s because a lot of people want to do it because it’s so attractive overall and has a high standard of living in the sense of satisfaction and work -Life balance. In any case, I have never wished to have another job, even if I would then earn more.”
The neutralization tactic basically works in such a way that we first accept and support the attack before we then make it clear that it is not hurting us. That the ammunition our counterpart fired with was not live. This method requires a certain amount of wit and presence of mind and is therefore not always suitable for situations in which we are very upset. However, if we can use it and come up with an appropriate neutralizing response, we can use it to teach another person a valuable lesson – without attacking them too.
Ask critical questions
When it comes to comments that subtly attack our self, it makes sense to uncover the hidden attack and address it specifically. “With you, I can’t imagine that you would ever travel further than Spain.” – “What do you mean by that? What makes you think that I wouldn’t be able to make a long-distance trip?”
In this way we ask our counterpart to think about it and explain themselves. We show him how it has attacked us and signal that we won’t just let him get away with it.
Source used: psychologytoday.com