The truth is:
“I’m a selfish mother”
© wundervisuals / iStock
Children are a big responsibility. Maybe even the biggest in our lives. But what if you don’t want to carry this responsibility 24 hours a day. Are you then a selfish mother?
by Lena Selinger
I love my children more than my own life. I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to them, and if it did, I don’t know how I would survive. And yet I often find motherhood to be a cage I can’t break out of. Mainly because it makes me emotionally vulnerable. Not only once have I asked myself the question of whether I would do it all again and secretly cast envious glances at the seemingly uncomplicated, free life of my girlfriends without children. Just do and don’t do it when and how you want, no worries about the children, no dependencies on your partner in any form whatsoever and a lot of things that are no longer possible. Yes, will come back sometime – but I need this now! And that’s exactly why I’m just not a mother sometimes, I dance the night away, go to festivals and walk the Way of St. James.
After all, you’re a mother
Sound selfish? It is, especially because other things are left behind. But often I just feel like I have to get out, get new input, run and free myself. Photographer and content producer Paul Ripke once said that his life is all about him Maximizing Event Density. He’s right, at least for me. Please don’t stand still. Like an experience junkie, always looking for the next event. Just don’t miss anything. No wonder I used to be the last one at the party. However, it is also very tiring, especially for the others. For me too, because it’s so difficult for me to switch off. But I can’t sit in front of the TV every evening either. The big break came with the children: Suddenly there was no more space that I could fill with myself. Just going away in the evening wasn’t an option at first. It was all about the two of them and that was okay too. But now they’re so big that there’s more space again for me and all the things I want to do that you always think aren’t possible anymore, after all you’re a mother now.
Break free from old patterns
Yes I am, but what kind of mother do I want to be, what kind of mother do I want to convey to my children? That they have to give up their lives if they decide to have children? No! I want them to stand up for themselves, express their wishes and dreams and, ideally, also be supported by their future partners in realizing them. Yes, I travel a lot, maybe too much at times. I notice that too. Dancing, concerts, birthdays and appointments with friends, on Sundays I sometimes lie in bed with a hangover and soon I will be walking the Camino de Santiago for almost three weeks – alone, just me. The reactions of other parents to whom I tell them vary between fascination, envy, admiration, pitying looks and miserably overplayed rejection. And the question always follows: “And the children? Where are they then?” – The children also have a father, is usually my answer. I am well aware that this is not possible everywhere, especially when your partner travels a lot for work, the parents are separated or the children are still very young. Often, however, it is not demanded at all, but only complained about what is not possible and why this is the case. The excuses for the partner are already included, but he can go out every weekend. He works so much, that’s ok.
Satisfy or be satisfied?
It’s not me, the self-sacrificing mother. I’m certainly not a bad mother either, but I find it difficult to put myself on the back burner and actually I don’t want to. I like to think of myself and try to take good care of myself because I believe that it is also good for the children and that I give them the right things to take with them. Of course, the priority is always with the two of them, but then I come after that. A wise man, whose name I have forgotten, once said: “Only when you are happy yourself can you make others happy.” So I question everything, constantly looking for what’s missing to fill instead of being satisfied. But where does it end and when should you be satisfied with what you have? A question that will perhaps drive me for the rest of my life. I know myself very well, this is also a phase and it too will pass. It will also become quieter again, namely when I realize that I’m not missing anything if I just chill on the couch. As with everything in life, it’s a never-ending process. At some point I’ll calm down, but right now I sometimes have so much energy that I don’t even know what to do with it. That doesn’t mean that I’m not tired too and that it’s quite exhausting to be out and about in the evenings, alongside work and family, but it feels good to be free in between. And I think it’s a shame that it’s often made so difficult for other mums to be able to go out at all if they want to. But I think that maybe we should all rebel a little more. For ourselves.