Lack of communication, conflicts, tensions and difficulties accumulate in your daily life as a couple. You are no longer able to spend good times together and the future seems very compromised. Be careful not to rush though. Before making a final decision, psychologist and psychoanalyst Saverio Tomassella advises asking yourself the right questions.
Couple breaking up: ask yourself the right questions
“First advice, undoubtedly the most important: regarding your relationship, do not make any decision on a whim!” recommends Saverio Tomasella, doctor of psychology and psychoanalyst. Indeed: “in a context of conflict, we tend to make impulse decisions rather than rational ones… and this generally results in regrets.”
No question, therefore, of screaming “I’m leaving you!” to his partner after an (umpteenth) marital argument. “Instead, put some distance – physical and psychological: go for a walk in the neighborhood, go for a coffee with a friend, call a member of your family, go shopping… In summary : clear your mind about your relationship.”
In certain truly explosive situations, the psychologist and psychoanalyst even advises to “go away for a day or two with a trusted person to reflect on your relationship in a calm and caring environment.”
How do you know if the end of the relationship has arrived? Detail your problems
After that ? How do you know whether to leave or stay? How to decide (or not) to break up? Initially, Saverio Tomasella advises proceeding in a very academic manner: “take a sheet of paper, divide it into two columns: what I appreciate in this relationship / what I do not appreciate in this relationship.” Be careful: it is the couple’s relationship that must be scrutinized, not your partner!
Fill in both columns, striving to be as concrete and pragmatic as possible: “take the time to find the right words, even if it means filling out your sheet over several days in a row” notes the expert. Don’t rush: your relationship deserves you to do things right…
Relationship crisis: when separation seems inevitable…
“Then, weight the elements you have listed: put crosses next to the most important, or prioritize themadds Saverio Tomasella. The idea is to achieve a positive/negative balance regarding your relationship.“If there is a lot more negative than positive in your relationship, your relationship problems are probably deep and separation seems inevitable…
If you did not obtain the expected answers from this first exercise, “make a list of your values. Ask yourself “what is central to me, in my life and in my relationships in general?” “Some examples of values: security, tranquility, honesty, communication, reliability, commitment, freedom, independence, kindness…
Next question : “Does your partner respect your core values? For each, try to find a concrete example of respect (or disrespect) on the part of your spouse” develops the psychologist and psychoanalyst. For each value not respected, ask yourself the following questions: “can I ask my partner to make an effort on this point? Have I already done it? Did he understand my request correctly?“
How to save your relationship? A discussion in nonviolent communication (NVC)
“In many cases, the crisis situation in the couple is linked to a communication problem, not to a people problem!” adds the expert. If necessary, do not hesitate to use non-violent communication (NVC) to better express your need and the associated request.
“If you choose to stay with your partner provided that efforts are made, don’t forget to set a clear deadline: in one month, in two months…” finally advises Saverio Tomasella. Of course, your partner must be informed of the existence of this deadline.
My relationship is going badly: the mistake not to make
When a couple is in crisis, is it a good idea to ask loved ones for advice? “No ! Saverio Tomasella responds immediately. Your friends, your family, your colleagues… will answer your questions based on their own expectations, past experiences, values and wounds. In the end, you will obtain a judgment that will be of no use to you, since it will be issued through the prism of another individuality.“And that won’t help you in any way with your difficulties!
Worse: according to the psychologist and psychoanalyst, “you risk being caught in a conflict of loyalties: should you listen to the advice of your loved one (even if it means making a mistake in your relationship) or ignore it (even if it means hurting him/her)?“.
And if the situation is really inextricable, do not hesitate to make an appointment with a professional – marriage counselor, specialized therapist, psychologist, psychotherapist or psychoanalyst – who will be able to analyze your difficulties and guide you to your relationship. Couples therapy is sometimes even possible…
Thanks to Saverio Tomasella, doctor of psychology and psychoanalyst, author of Fusion relationships (ed. Eyrolles).