Couple therapist reveals: Does the spark always have to ignite immediately?

Couple therapist reveals
Does the spark always have to ignite immediately?

A question should not be answered with a counter-question, but: Is it really only or mainly men who want the spark to ignite immediately? I do not think so. Because the Internet dating culture quickly and urgently asks everyone whether it is still worthwhile to continue meeting in view of the large number of offers.

However, the lightning-fast inner decision for or against someone also fits with our love myth, according to which we should immediately notice whether we have just met the person who is meant for us. That’s why we give so much importance to love at first sight: “I saw her and immediately thought, this is the woman of my life.” The romantic myth demands that the meeting of two lovers is extraordinary from the first moment. And we wait for the spark that sets us on fire because it’s the only thing we rely on when choosing a partner. We don’t check any criteria, we let our feelings do the difficult job of finding the right ones for us. We choose every tutor more carefully than the person to whom we will possibly bind ourselves for life.

But there are also gender stereotypes. And that’s why it can be that straight men are actually particularly lurking if a date will knock them over right away – which usually means that there is a strong erotic attraction. Because “man” is defined in the old role cliché as a naturally sex-hungry permanent horny guy, as the sexually more compulsive partner. And since we will primarily have sex with only one person in monogamous romantic relationships, seen from this point of view, erotic attraction is the most logical selection criterion. Common interests, a shared worldview, emotional maturity – all well and good. Is it possible to get everything done? But whether you like each other in bed has to be right from the start, we think. Because if our – and especially male – sexuality should really be determined by animal instincts, then we wouldn’t have any influence on our lust.

Now unconscious factors come into play certainly an important role in our sexuality. But sex is never just sex, and especially in romantic relationships it is always an emotional encounter. Unfortunately, many men have still learned to ignore their feelings. The “spark” that should fly is nothing other than feelings that should be felt. And if feelings are not easily accessible, they have to be drastic and overwhelming in order to be noticed at all and to override the fear of commitment. Softer feelings of agreement are lost or too weak to trust.

But fortunately, many men no longer leave the emotional world to women alone. They say goodbye to the lonely cowboy and admit that they are also looking for support and security. And women see themselves as at least as sexually active beings as men. The realization that most romantic relationships grow slowly, from friendships, intimacy and prolonged contact, it grows too. But probably just as slowly as love itself.

Bridget