The diagnosis of cancer turns the life of those affected on its head. But not only you, but also your loved ones can suffer from this situation. Psychologist Dr. rer. med. Antje Lehmann-Laue explains how relatives can better deal with the situation.
Antje Lehmann-Laue is the head of medical psychological care at the Leipzig University Hospital. Her focus is on psycho-oncology, i.e. the care of cancer patients. She explains why family members should continue to be mindful of their own needs and limits, why it is important to seek help, and why communication is paramount.
1. Cancer diagnosis: Your own needs remain important
Antje Lehmann-Laue: Often relatives do not even dare to ask themselves whether they can take a break when their husband or wife is so seriously ill. Many think: I really have to be there for him or her. Now I have to take care of the family, the children, keep doing my job and keep everything going. Relatives are also exposed to great stress and it is important to look: Where are my own limits?
During this time it can be helpful to speak directly to the person affected and to formulate your own needs. Best from the first-person perspective: I notice that this time also leaves traces on me. It would do me good to meet up with my girlfriend or boyfriend again. Ultimately, the point is that relatives do not lose sight of themselves.
2. Nobody has to go through this alone – seeking help is important
What kind of help you seek always depends on how your personal environment is set up. Are the parents or grandparents around? Are there siblings, friends or neighbors who can support me? For example, with very practical everyday things, such as picking up the child from kindergarten or doing shopping. Or there is someone I can confide in.
Regardless of this, relatives can also get professional support, such as those offered by cancer counseling centers. There, relatives are available for advice on psychological and social law issues in all phases of the illness. Another area is the exchange with people who have experienced the same thing – for example in self-help groups.
3. The relatives of the sick person can also suffer from the consequences of the diagnosis
First of all, it must be remembered that being diagnosed with cancer is a shocking situation for the entire family. First of all, it puts many in a state of helplessness and powerlessness. This can also lead to physical complaints such as insomnia, loss of appetite or inner restlessness in relatives.
Some relatives react with fears, others are depressed and dejected. If these or other symptoms occur and persist over a longer period of time, this should definitely be clarified.
4. Even if it is difficult, most patients want to be treated “normally”
I know some patients who suffer from their friends suddenly stop telling them about their everyday problems. Having cancer does not mean that all functional areas of a person have now been discontinued and that nothing can be expected of the person affected. When everything is taken out of their hands, many get the feeling that they no longer have anything under their own control.
The friends want to safely protect the sick person with it. He or she, however, tends to feel more like being excluded. If you are unsure, you should simply ask whether you can tell about your own problems or not. An open approach can help everyone and gives the sick person: n the opportunity to make decisions based on the current situation.
This also applies to joint ventures. For some, a bike tour is quite possible, for others a shopping tour or a walk. Cancer patients: often cannot plan for the long term during their treatment because they cannot predict the physical strain they will withstand. Therefore, relatives should not be offended if meetings or activities are canceled at short notice.
5. Important formal matters should be regulated
First of all, it is fundamentally important that everyone has regulated important things, regardless of whether they have cancer or not. In the case of illness, of course, this suddenly has a lot more meaning. The diagnosis of cancer is initially linked to the idea of death and the end, and then these issues naturally come to the fore.
One should think about what should be regulated in one’s own life. Is there a living will or a power of attorney and has anything changed with the onset of the disease? Are the authorized persons still up-to-date, or is there someone in there who is no longer trusted today? Financial issues should also be clarified, such as who can do which banking. When formal matters are settled, there is more time for the already many other challenges that sick people and their relatives have to face.
Source used: Interview with Dr. rer. med. Antje Lehmann-Laue