The child of BRIGITTE.de reader Margot Peters was not viable, the doctor advised an abortion. But she chose her own way.
In 2008 I was pregnant with my third child. During a regular check-up in the 17th week of pregnancy, it turned out that something was wrong with my child’s development.
Two days later I got an appointment with a specialist. I went there in fear. I was able to follow the investigation on a large 3D screen. Unfortunately, the diagnosis was confirmed: Joshua’s arms and legs were far too short. However, that would only have been an external flaw. The reason he wouldn’t be viable was because his lungs hadn’t formed.
The doctor advised me to have an abortion
Joshua’s disability was explained to my husband and I in a professional and unemotional manner. I couldn’t believe what the doctor was telling me. Joshua would not be able to live and he advised me not to continue the pregnancy. At that moment the ground was pulled from under my feet and I felt emotionally free fall. Despite repeated inquiries, I was shown no other option than an abortion. At that moment I knew I was going to terminate the pregnancy.
However, I needed the support of my parents to look after my two young daughters. However, they could only come to me in Lower Saxony from Nuremberg two weeks later.
I realized that I didn’t want a break
During this time I had a lot of conversations, thought a lot and gathered all the information I could find on the topic. I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to go this route at all. While taking a walk together, I shared my thoughts with my husband. I was so happy that he had come to the same point regardless of me. That same day I called my parents and told them that I was going to continue the pregnancy.
The farewell began
From this point on, the time to say goodbye began. Nothing was like the previous pregnancies. I felt Joshua every day that he was a very active child, and yet I knew that our time together would probably be very short.
By the 36th week of pregnancy, Joshua was as big as a child in the 40th week. I decided to initiate the birth. I have found a wonderful hospital that has accompanied me and my husband through such difficult times.
He was so beautiful, so perfect, he was part of me.
Joshua was born by caesarean section. After about ten minutes, my son went into the other world in complete peace in my husband’s arms. I was allowed to spend many hours with my husband and Joshua in a lovingly prepared room. He was so beautiful, so perfect, he was part of me. When the time came to hand it over, tears flowed for the first time. I was completely desperate because I knew I would never see him again.
The funeral
While I was in the hospital, my husband organized Joshua’s funeral. I was very lucky to be accompanied by a mobile undertaker who responded to my wishes and fears.
On the day I was discharged from the hospital, my husband picked me up. It felt so wrong to leave the hospital without a child. It felt so wrong to go to a florist first to order the flowers for the funeral. But that’s exactly how it was.
Joshua was born on a Friday and a week later on a Friday he was buried. That day I was allowed to be in the chapel for an hour before the funeral service. I was able to take Joshua out of his basket and hold him in my arms again. I was allowed to look at it and understand what it really means for me. I am infinitely grateful that I was allowed to see, touch, feel and hug him.
Pregnancy helped me heal
For me, the time of pregnancy was the time of understanding and saying goodbye. It was time to cry and let the pain go. It was time to put it aside and hope that everything will somehow turn out for the better. It was the healing time.
From the point of view of society, continuing the pregnancy is the harder way – for me personally it was the more healing way, since no questions remained unanswered for me.
I sincerely wish that all women and couples have the time to consider whether they want to have an abortion or continue the pregnancy. There is no better or worse way. Everyone should be given this decision-making time – no matter how long it takes.
The author: Margot Peters lives with her husband, three children, dogs, cats, horses, pigs, sheep and chickens on her animal shelter in Lower Saxony. She has written a book about her experience with Joshua: “Diagnosis not viable – a plea to life”, to be ordered on hers Website.