I am writing this story under a pseudonym. The reason for this: My ex-husband is happy to use any information he can get against me. To harm me, my new life partner, my girlfriends. I even tweaked a few details to keep him off my trail. I know sounds like a bad Netflix series. But in the divorce thriller that I experienced, there are helpful tips – for everyone who is faced with a similar situation.
The snow falls softly on the day I realize that my marriage isn’t going to last forever. We trudge through a winter wonderland that bathes everything in a soft murmur as my soon-to-be ex-husband says, “You’re walking clumsily. You have to take smaller steps. And you’re laughing too loud.” I will answer: “I’ve been walking and laughing like this for 31 years and it’s never bothered anyone. I don’t think I could change that even if I wanted to.” – “Then I will remind you until you have learned it.” Our son, a few weeks old, starts crying while I clench. Because this day is the beginning of the end. In fact, there are still two more years of perseverance to come, we are young parents with our first child, so you don’t just throw in the towel. Also, it all started so magically.
My husband is a textbook narcissist. The relationship pattern of such a person is almost always the same: First they lift you up on a pedestal and worship you, then they push you down, because he is actually the star who then designs your reconstruction in order to be celebrated as a hero. There are also many secrets, no questions asked. Finances, past, strange cliques, affairs.
It is time
I sleep next to the enemy in my bed for another 24 months. Until one morning I’m on the phone with my girlfriend and suddenly I find myself saying, “I’m getting a divorce!” – “God, I’m glad,” she bursts out. “Have you looked in the mirror? It is time. Do you have a lawyer?” – “No, do I need one? Maybe it works without? I don’t want his money at all.” – “Oh yes!” insists my girlfriend. “Cardinal mistake number one. You start a new life. Alone with a toddler. You can use any pad. Now you pull out your phone and take pictures of every bank statement and financial record you can find and we’ll find you a terrier.”
I hang up and see a skinny woman with sad eyes in the mirror. I do not want that. divorce war. And yet it is the start of my tour de lawyer. Not only because my family and friends think that there must be compensation for pain and suffering. But because my husband gives me a declaration of consent to sign, in which I am to voluntarily renounce everything except for a measly child support.
First realization
In the microcosm of divorce, you first have to swim your way free. Just keeping your head above water is not enough if you don’t want to go under financially and emotionally. At least with an ex-husband like mine. In any case, going to a lawyer is always worthwhile, even if it’s just for the initial consultation, which costs no more than around 200 euros and, by the way, often also covers legal protection insurance. Anyone who really has no money at all can apply to the Federal Social Court for legal aid (bsg.bund.de). Maybe that’s just the realization of what you don’t want, but it definitely gets you ahead.
Second insight: Keep your eyes open when choosing a lawyer
My number one lawyer is a forest and meadow lawyer, recommended by a friend of my parents, I don’t even like him. He treats me like a high school graduate who walked into the advanced course exam unprepared. My alarm bells should have been ringing by then. After all, I learned from him: “You are not only entitled to child support, but also to your spouse. Even if you have worked. As a self-employed person, you were not able to take advantage of all the childcare offers. But your ex-husband could. We are now demanding everyone proof of salary.” Thanks to this first appointment, I soon received a monthly payment for my new start. Brokerage, deposit, move, new furniture, that would hardly have been possible otherwise. Moving out is a liberation for me.As if I had air to breathe for the first time in a long time. In the evening, I and my friends burn my dried bridal bouquet in front of my new apartment door. The new life can come.
Third insight: When it comes to money – sharpen your weapons!
The next station is the equalization of gains, i.e. the assets that have been earned together in a marriage. This includes the account balance on the day of separation, real estate, but also negative assets such as loans. What I don’t know yet: Debts that have been paid off are also part of it. Even if you didn’t know anything about them. My new attorney is a woman in her late 50s, incredibly nice, maybe too nice? One with whom I would immediately go for a coffee – which we do, sitting over the documents and letters. Sometimes I cry a little because I can’t believe how my ex-husband is miniaturizing his wealth and income with the help of his calf-biting lawyer. Not even the threat of an affidavit, actually a good tip from a lawyer, helps. One day my lawyer said to me: “Get a private investigator!” Are you serious? I always thought it was only cheated wives in US films who did that. And yet I ask: “Isn’t that incredibly expensive?” – “It’s not cheap,” replies the lawyer, “but in your case I would do it.”
I need a few days and kicks, then I agree. The detective we hire has the best of shady contacts, so I soon learn that my ex-husband was in debt before we were married and paid it off with me (without my knowledge). Six-figure sums of money going in and out of his account and in his glove compartment, past the tax. “May I even have this information?” I ask my lawyer. “It’s not our fault if they happened to be in your mailbox, right?” she winks at me. She’s not as nice as I thought. Thanks to this step, the spousal maintenance was adjusted; in addition, he must bear all legal fees.
Fourth insight: Always ask for more than you want
After all, the other side, as the lawyers say, always wants to save money. And so you meet in the middle. That’s why the sum I’m going into the race with also defines the middle. The attorney letters are slowly coming to an end, I’m beginning to enjoy my new life, and soon I’ll even be in love again and happy again. But new construction sites are opening up: Our son comes back increasingly disturbed and overtired from the dad weekends. Maybe it’s the leisure program, maybe my ex-husband doesn’t speak too positively about me, we can’t find out. He’s just too small.
My lawyer advises that visitation rights should always be designed with the child in mind, not in the interests of the parents. With a lot of back and forth, we agree on a three-week contact, but longer in time, five days. Everyone is happy with that. More regeneration through greater distances.
Conclusion
It’s been years since our divorce. My ex-husband is still unable to say hello to me. He pays what he has to after deducting the split child support, even if I have to help out with a letter from a lawyer from time to time. Otherwise I don’t know much about him. Our son likes to see him and comes home in a good mood after being a father, that’s all I need to know. In any case, he is better suited as a father than as a husband or ex-husband. I wish our divorce had been more peaceful. But then, in all probability, I would have drawn the short straw. I had no idea what I was capable of. My third lawyer – number two is now retired – once put it this way: “It all depends on the level of the conflict. What you have experienced is rather unusual. In this rare case, the help from the private investigator was correct and sometimes a step to rush ahead and have it legalized afterwards. The courts cannot grasp and analyze such a situation.”
In the end, everything depends on how we treat each other and on mutual respect. This applies to living together as well as to running on sight. So if you are lied to and cheated on: Consult a lawyer before you separate. Learning for life takes on completely new dimensions. Or better: marry the right person. And definitely not a narcissist.