Does the maternal instinct really exist?

“He was dressed, wrapped in the ‘Love Mum’ pajamas brought to the maternity ward. He was placed back into her arms by authority, and since then she has performed the learned gestures with all her heart, but she does not feel comfortable. (…) Élise is always in a hurry to put him back in his cradle, she is more peaceful when he is sleeping.” The story of Élise, described by Bénédicte des Mazery in her novel The intruder, published by Plon, is that of millions of women around the world, for whom the “maternal instinct” is definitely not self-evident. Élise is a young woman who discovers herself 7 and a half months pregnant following a pregnancy denial, when she never wanted a child. Learning to love your son is going to be a real learning curve. for her, which contrasts with the idea we have of the idealized love of the mother for her offspring.

Not to feel what is called “the maternal instinct” is the source of great guilt in many young mothers. Yet for several decades, the existence of this “instinct” has been called into question. For Anna Roy, midwife and author of the book It’s my pregnancy, from the definition, it does not fit. Instinct according to the Larousse is: “an innate, automatic and invariable impulse which governs the behavior of all individuals of the same species”. On the Kindergarten set, Anna Roy is clear: “If we had asked the midwives for their opinion, they would have decided directly: the maternal instinct does not exist! It is enough to attend a childbirth to realize it. (…) There is not an identical reaction from one mother to another. And often they are disappointed because they would have imagined reacting differently.

A biological origin…

But then where would this idea of ​​maternal instinct come from? Several teams of researchers have already looked into the matter. According to their results, there is a hormone that pushes parents to take care of their children: oxytocin. Also known as the feel-good or love hormone, when produced, oxytocin plays an important role in creating emotional and social bonds. Should we conclude that the maternal instinct is naturally inscribed in the brain of women? The answer is no according to anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, interviewed for National Geographic: “All female mammals have what is called a maternal ‘instinct’. This does not mean, however, that every mother who gives birth is automatically ready to take care of her offspring. The release of oxytocin and its impact on the body can also vary greatly from one person to another.

What the research shows is also and above all that women are not the only ones to undergo these hormonal changes. Fathers also experience it, sometimes with a very short delay, but also certain relatives, such as grandparents. When her grandson was born, Sarah Blaffer Hrdy even took the test, calculating her and her husband’s oxytocin levels in the laboratory for several weeks. “The end result was exactly the same for my husband and me. He just needed to spend a little more time with his grandson.” If a form of instinct could therefore exist, women therefore do not have exclusive rights.

… But above all social

To understand how this maternal behavior has become the prerogative of women in the collective mind, it is necessary to analyze the evolution of the perception of motherhood. The image of the loving mother, devoted to her offspring is quite modern. This is the opinion developed by the philosopher and writer Élisabeth Badinter. According to what can be learned from historical documents, the role of mother was not emphasized in society until the end of the 18th century. The idea of ​​a maternal instinct was born during this period, coinciding with societal issues. Infant mortality was taking its toll, and taking better care of one’s offspring has drastically increased the number of children reaching adulthood. From that time on, women were gradually locked into this position of mother, with this idealized “maternal love” as justification.

The impact of society is still found today in the decline in the desire for motherhood, and the questioning of the concept of “maternal instinct”. According to Lisa McAllister, an anthropologist who works extensively on the subject “The quest for success is, in humans, a biological motivation.” The idealization of maternal love would therefore correspond to a time when the only way for a woman to be accomplished in society was to be a mother. “In our society, the value of a woman is no longer measured by her ability to be a mother. She is measured rather by the nature of her work (…) There are many people who do not feel the desire to have a child or even this kind of maternal instinct when they find themselves with babies. The internal psychology has changed. Success is no longer measured by the ability to parent. »

Not immediately loving your child does not make you a bad mother.

Whether it is for Élise in the novel by Bénédicte des Mazery or for each woman who chooses to go through maternity: there are as many ways to create a bond with her baby as there are births. It’s a taboo subject that moms don’t talk about much but that does not mean that you are an isolated case. Do not hesitate to talk about it around you, with your spouse or with your loved ones. And above all, take your time. The first months with an infant are already a big upheaval. Acclimatize to life in three (or more) at your own pace, don’t feel guilty, and get to know each other. The rest will follow in due course.

Article produced in partnership with Plon

Society/Sex/Psycho Journalist

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