It can be hellish, but it tells us a lot about ourselves, says Elena Sohn. She is so successful as a “love interest” that her work has now become the material for a film.
Elena-Katharina Sohn runs the agency “Die Liebeskümmerer” and her team offers psychological advice on relationship issues, also online (die-liebeskuemmerer. de). Her books on the subject of love are bestsellers, and her work inspired the streaming service Netflix to produce the romantic comedy “The Lovekinners” (seen from February 14th).
© Horst Galuschka / imago images
BRIGITTE: You have been working as a “love carer” for 13 years, helping people whose hearts are broken, hurt or unsettled. How did you come to this topic?
ELENA SON: Actually, because I was going through a bad breakup myself back then. It tore the ground out from under me to such an extent that I was no longer able to do anything. First I took sick leave, then took a sabbatical. Suddenly I questioned my entire life, found nothing left that could give me support. When I started talking about it, I realized that there were many others who saw the end of a love not just as a short grief, but as a very deep, serious one had felt a crisis – with which they had felt very alone.
Because it’s “only” about love?
Yes, lovesickness still has the reputation of being “a teenage thing” – it’s okay, it’ll be okay – which is amazing when we consider on the other hand, how much we cultivate and stylize romantic love into something that hovers over us all. And when you fall from these dizzying, blissful heights, shouldn’t it hurt for a long time? That doesn’t quite add up.
You have experienced heartbreak as something existentially shattering.
First of all, attachment is simply one of our basic needs, and when it is not met or disappointed, it always leads to insecurity.
However, people deal with these disappointments very differently.
That’s true, and it’s also true: If people really suffer so massively from love and are dragged into a terrible life crisis, one can assume that there is more to it. Then there is an acute trigger such as a separation, but the pain we feel is often a very old onewhich we often carry around with us all our lives.
Where is he from?
Often from early childhood. For example, it may be that in the first few years of my life I often felt left alone, not seen or even rejected by my parents. I have hardly any conscious memory of it. But the pain I felt back then was existentially threatening – after all, I was completely dependent on my parents. If my partner leaves me now, this pain of being left alone can arise again. Lovesickness is actually a “life-sickness”. In extreme cases, losing love almost feels like dying.
And if I love unfulfilled, for example if I’m stuck in an affair with a person who is clearly not good for me, but from whom I just can’t get away
Maybe I learned early on that I had to compete for the approval and love of my closest caregiver and yet I was still often treated badly. This feels “normal” in a sad way. “Why do I always fall in love with assholes?” is actually a question that I have heard very, very often. It’s amazing what some lovers are willing to endure.
… hoping that everything will finally be okay and the constant grief will come to an end.
I am always surprised and shocked at the same time how many people of my generation feel a great need within themselves, an incredibly deep longing for love that they cannot really explain to themselves. It can help to realize how our parents actually grew up. Keyword: Letting children scream strengthens their lungs and their character. Anyone who has been treated unlovingly finds it difficult to pass on love. The harshness continues to this day.
This means that the man who lets me starve with his long finger could also have so much power over me because I have already struggled so much for the love of my significant others.
Exactly.
How can I break this vicious circle?
By trying to look away from the desired and disappointing partner and back to myself. And then by asking the most important, but perhaps also the hardest question of all: Why do I love the way I love? That means: What has shaped my bonding experiences so far, how did I actually become the relationship person that I am today?
Why is this question so crucial?
Because it makes it clear to me: My partner can never give me the kind of love that my parents could have given me, and that is not his job. And: The more I know about myself, the more at peace I am with myself, the less I expect others to have to make me happy. Because this expectation is a huge pressure, an incredible potential for disappointment and conflict, that can only go wrong. It’s important that I take responsibility for my happiness again.
But in love I never carry it alone! In an affair, for example, there is always someone who is cheating and someone who is being cheated on…
A perpetrator and a victim, do you mean? That would be too easy for me. The cheaters and the deceived as well as “the affair” come to us. And pain arises in all three corners. Most of the time, those who cheat also have a story as to why they do it.
What hidden motivations could these be?
For example, they are unhappy in their relationship but have never learned to stand up for themselves. Or they have a massive – you could also say unhealthy – need for self-affirmation. They don’t actually want to hurt their partner, it’s all about themselves. My belief and experience is that people rarely want to intentionally hurt each other. They usually do this out of their own need and insecurity. I don’t mean to say that I think cheating is morally okay.
If I have discovered the secret myself, alone or with therapeutic help, what do I do with this knowledge?
It’s less about knowledge. Only when I really feel my own patterns and their causes can I develop a deep understanding of myself. Recognize what I actually needed as a little person and, in the best case scenario, be the loving parent that I missed as a child.
And this is how I can break the bad dynamic?
It is often the prerequisite for me then set clearer boundaries and can ultimately end unhealthy addictions. Or get away from my tormenting thoughts about a relationship that has already ended. And last but not least, it helps me to be able to have other, deeper partnerships in the future, simply because I can explain myself much better to others. Because when people approach each other with an openness that is based on self-knowledge and self-reflection, it opens up completely new opportunities to really engage with one another.
“The book that your heart would like to read. Ten questions for a happy life”, 256 pages, 12 euros, Heyne, will be published on January 24th.
© PR
Of course it would be nice if my partner saw it that way too…
Don’t underestimate men! In the beginning it was 90 percent women who came to us for advice, today we are at fifty-fifty. Many have become more open about psychological topics and services. I think this is a nice trend: look instead of looking away, deal with yourself. In addition, there is currently increasing discussion about how useful the categories “female” and “male” actually are, and something is slowly emerging there too, fortunately.