Still relatively unknown, emotional codependency is a dysfunctional relational behavior. “From a psychological point of view, emotional codependency is a relationship disorder. It is characterized by a extreme addiction towards another in difficulty. The relationship is not healthy or balanced. The codependent person wants to help and support the other regardless of their opinion and to the point of forgetting themselves. The codependent person only feels they exist through the support they provide. In other words, she only has self-esteem when she is used and recognized for the care she provides.“, explains Sophie Mercier Millot, doctor of psychology and psychosociologist.
Emotional codependency: the signs
Emotional codependency takes different forms. “It manifests itself by a sacrificial attitude, a forgetting of oneself and naturally a need for control. Most codependents have an intense fear of abandonment. They are also able to tolerate psychological constraints and abusive behavior towards them. Autonomy frightens them, their own, as well as that of the other”underlines Hindi Hafhouf-Lacôte, doctor of psychology and clinical psychologist.
Among the other manifestations of this disorder, we sometimes note a tendency to merge one’s interests with those of the other, a loss of self-confidence, a lack of interest in one’s own needs or an excessive and abnormal desire to please others. Studies show that this relationship disorder affects women more than men. “They are more often affected by the notion of emotional codependency because they are still often raised in a perspective of caring for others. We also talk about them about the nurse, about their caring attitude and their ability to tolerate suffering more naturally. It is of course a social construction but it is still very alive. Men are not excluded from this dysfunction. We think of savior syndrome“, notes Sophie Mercier Millot. Savior syndrome is a psychological disorder. People who suffer from it have a permanent need to receive gratitude and recognition. Often confused with altruism, savior syndrome can be expressed in the romantic, friendly and professional fields.
Emotional codependency: the causes
The causes of emotional codependency are multifactorial and are linked to the history of the codependent person. “Among the most frequently encountered factors, we can mention dysfunctional family environments which contribute to the development of dependence, for example through emotional blackmail, indifference, competition between children“, specifies Sophie Mercier Millot. We can also cite the fear of abandonment, itself linked to an often disturbed childhood history. This fear can, in fact, push the person who suffers from it to put themselves in a position of being indispensable to the other so that they cannot do without them. “Another factor is that of relational models observed during learning. If the parental couple themselves presented this type of relationship – sacrificial mother for example – it is likely that the child reaching adulthood will reproduce this model. However, it is important to note that emotional codependency is not fixed. Becoming aware of these dynamics can be the first step toward healing“, underlines Sophie Mercier Millot,
Emotional codependency: the solutions
To overcome emotional codependency, you must first become aware of it and it is a difficult path to take alone. “It is a complex emotional disorder often requiring the support of a professional. Individual therapy allows you to identify and get out of this repetitive and harmful pattern. Also, the group therapy can be beneficial and allows inter, intra and trans subjective relationships to be put to work. These groups offer a safe space for discussion and reconstruction to envision the future differently“, advises Hindi Hafhouf-Lacôte.
On a day-to-day basis, people who suffer from this relational behavior can take the time to identify and accept the emotions that are going through them. To help strengthen their self-esteem, they can list their successes and qualities without excessive judgment and seek the company of people who are both caring and empathetic. As Sophie Mercier-Millot and Hindi Hafhouf-Lacôte remind us, emotional codependency goes hand in hand with an excessive need for control and therefore hypervigilance which requires great energy. Learning to let go by carrying out fulfilling activities can therefore be of great help to codependent people who must also learn to be respected!
Read also:
⋙ Emotional dependence: what are the signs and how to get rid of it? Advice from a psychologist
⋙ Emotional dependence: how to get out of it?
⋙ Emotional dependence: how do I know if I suffer from it?