Equality in relationships: how does it work?

Ms. Schäfer, in your book you describe how a few years ago you doubted whether you were even ready to have a child. Because you thought that as a mother you would be out of the job for at least a year, maybe three years. Why do you think so many women automatically think that?

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: I think many mothers don’t feel like they have a choice. Around them, almost all women stay at home for at least a year after giving birth. This is learned behavior – and there is a lack of role models who do it differently. All of my colleagues and acquaintances were on parental leave for a year before returning part-time. Her career was over after that. This idea put me off because I enjoyed my job. Mike then said: There is another way.

MIKE SCHÄFER: It was clear to me that I wanted to spend a lot of time with my child. A model in which the woman stays at home for a year or two and the man earns the money would not have fit my expectations at all.

Can you give an example of how the decision about who takes parental leave and how much parental leave specifically affects the financial situation of mothers and fathers?

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: Let’s assume a scenario in which both of them earn 2,000 euros net before the birth of their first child: After that, she receives basic parental allowance for twelve months, which corresponds to 67 percent of the net, or around 1,300 euros for her. During this time he continues to work full time and only receives parental allowance for two months. If the mother goes back to work after the first year with 20 hours while he is still working full time, the salary gap widens within a very short time. Before the birth, each contributed 50 percent of the family income, after which the mother’s share drops to a third. And her financial dependence on her husband increases.

Now you could say: What is one or two years when you consider your entire professional life?

MIKE SCHÄFER: If a parent only stays at home for a year, it actually has little effect on lifetime income. But all statistics show that it rarely stays that way. During parental leave, couples make decisions about the rest of their lives. They usually distribute the roles so that the woman primarily takes on the care work and has a part-time job for years, while the man is responsible for paid work. If there is more to do at home, the father rarely reduces from 40 to 30 hours, but usually the mother from 20 to 15 hours or even less.

Many couples argue that it simply makes more financial sense for him to return to work more quickly and for her to stay at home longer because he earns more.

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: We used a calculator on our website to calculate for around 500 couples based on their salary data what the classic breadwinner-housewife model and the fifty-fifty model mean financially for them as a family. And not just in the first year, but also in the years after.

MIKE SCHÄFER: And that’s where we see: It’s worth it if both spend a similar amount of time at work and at home with the children. For 93 percent of participants, an equal model is more lucrative.

How come?

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: If the father continues to work full-time after the birth and the mother returns to a part-time job after a year, together they work around 60 hours per week. An alternative to this would be for both of them to work 30 hours. This increases the likelihood that both will be able to continue their careers and earn more money at some point. If only one person advances, the overall family income increases less significantly.

But you can’t plan with certainty.

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: The partnership bonus is definitely available if both work part-time. That’s four months of parental allowance on top, which both receive if they work between 24 and 32 hours in the same period. This means that both of them have to reduce their working hours, but have more parental allowance and more time as a family.

Parental allowance is very flexible: There is basic parental allowance, parental allowance Plus and the option to switch between both models. How do you best use it if you want to divide parental leave as fairly as possible?

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: My suggestion would be that one parent stays at home for a certain period of time and receives basic parental allowance and the other reduces the hours during this time. Whether it makes sense for him or her to also receive Parental Allowance Plus during this time depends on how much you earn and how many months of Parental Allowance are still available. After a while both should swap roles.

MIKE SCHÄFER: I think it’s important that the father looks after the child alone for some time while the mother is not at home. This is the only way to learn what care work really means.

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: We originally planned for me to stay at home for seven months and then Mike, but I’m glad we decided against it. That would have been a hard cut between job and baby. A few weeks in which there is something like a handover makes sense. This allows parents and children to get used to the new areas of responsibility.

As flexible as parental allowance is, it quickly becomes complicated if, like you, you combine different models…

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: Oh yes. The official brochure on parental allowance has more than 170 pages – who is supposed to read it, let alone understand everything? The parental allowance office even asked us at the time whether we were sure we wanted to combine basic parental allowance and parental allowance plus in this way. They had never experienced anything like this before. There is a lot of uncertainty even among the people who process the applications.

Can it make sense to save for parental leave if both parents want to take a break for a certain period of time or want to work part-time?

MIKE SCHÄFER: Absolutely. If the desired parental allowance model continues to generate higher income than expenses, then everything is in tip top shape anyway. But if expenses are higher than income during this period, the question arises: Can the couple compensate for this with their savings? If there are no savings, expectant parents can think in advance about where they can make compromises in everyday life in order to save and create their own parental leave account.

How is it financially fair if the parents agree that he or she wants to stay at home for the time being?

MIKE SCHÄFER: From my point of view, there are two options: Either you agree that the income you receive is received as a family. So away from “my” and “your” money towards the family income, from which the expenses are made every month. Whatever is left over at the end is divided by two and ends up in their respective individual accounts. If you don’t want to do that, you should think about financial compensation for the person who doesn’t work. This could be, for example, a private pension plan or a larger share of your home.

What is the best way for expectant parents to get out of the autopilot that you described at the beginning?

MARIELLE SCHÄFER: By talking about their division of roles before the pregnancy. The argument that everyone else does something the same way doesn’t convince me. It makes more sense if both people put on the table how they imagine their future and how they want to live as a family. In the next step you can calculate possible scenarios. The model we ultimately chose wasn’t the most financially attractive, but it worked best for us as a family.

Parental allowance – what is what?

Since 2015, the parental allowance introduced in 2007 has been available in two versions: This Basic parental allowance is paid out for a maximum of 14 months and amounts to between 300 and 1800 euros per month. The amount depends primarily on your last net income. The Parental Allowance Plus Mothers and fathers can have the basic parental allowance paid out for twice as long, but they only receive half the amount, i.e. a maximum of 900 euros per month. This model is aimed primarily at parents who also work part-time and earn money. Both variants can be combined with each other.

In her book “Love & Money” (384 pages, 13 euros, dtv) and at relationships-investoren.de explain Marielle and Mike Schäfer, 31 and 36, what you should pay attention to when it comes to parental leave and how parents can find the model that suits them. The couple has two children and lives in Hanau.

Bridget