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Finally great sex!

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Sex gets better with the years! Especially from 40. How do we know that? From enjoyable experience, says our author Vera Sandberg.

Prejudice # 1: Women over 40 have less desire for sex

The other day a friend (48) called me and told me about her newest lover, a winemaker (44) from Austria. “You, I’ve never had such great sex !” She said. Literally. I swallowed. So naked and pure, I might not have expressed it. 

But why not? Sexual health is when the joy of shame triumphs. Another friend (49) says: “I can do without a man in the house, I just miss sex.”

We had to laugh a lot, it sounded like later purification. Because more than 20 years ago, we sat together three, all newly married and young mothers. And we told each other how happy we are with our men, the young fathers. They were nice and had exciting jobs. And they did not want another. Always only us. And that all the time. That was kind of flattering, but mostly annoying.

We were tired of baby stress, were hormonally thrown off the train after birth, life was young and disorderly. Questions such as pacifier yes or no, carpet purchase, weekend house, rates for the car went through our heads – and fought violently with the wishes of the (possibly not very sensitive, because inexperienced) man for sexual basic needs. 

But since we all three of our favorite recipes from the hat, rent, telephone and insurance are regularly deducted from their own account, the children only come to visit and the relationship with their own parents is reasonably clear, we have much more time and leisure. Especially for really good sex.

Prejudice # 2: Women over 40 are no longer sexy

Sociology has invented the ugly word “erotic cloak of invisibility” that descends upon women at a certain age. Observation in the circle of acquaintances: As a precautionary measure, women themselves disguise their invisibility cloak, fearing that they will no longer be attractive enough. Admittedly, we were probably the nicest with 16. There is a photo: I lie there, evenly browned, naked in the hot Baltic sand and dreams. I do not know about that, but certainly not about insane sex. 

If you see me lying like that, you probably think about it. In the meantime, this body has given birth to two children, survived sunburns and spent years sitting in front of the computer. And tears cried. And red wine-noise put away. And environmental damage. And eating attacks. He is like a solid used car. With TÜV for the next three years.

No reason for prude times. Several men have confirmed to me in a good technical discussion that they value self-confident and experienced women. They do not always want to be tour guides. They say: What bothers me a crease on the butt? It’s all about performance. I do not know if my field study is representative. She does not have to. I think: He has to know why he wants me, at least I did not force him. So: why spoil the mood with fearful thoughts about fabric strength? Sex is not a durability test for upholstered furniture.

As long as there are great men who do not have to compensate for their aging with a young lover, things are fine for me and my girlfriends. We no longer need a holding pattern with guys who are keen on us. Not even for the ego. Meanwhile we have discovered other things that make us strong. No longer the dubious offers of guys who just want to check the elasticity of the material.

Prejudice # 3: Women over 40 are sexually frugal

Why that? Scientifically proven: His sexual activities are continuously decreasing from 30, their peak at the same age and remain at a high level for a very long time! They sink later sometime, then mostly because of his reduced sexuality. Also polls in the circle of friends confirm: We have become more demanding. One of my friends says, “It’s like eating, I’m eating well or not at all.” Sex ditto – good or not at all.

Never again will we let ourselves be kept awake for nights with helpless fiddling. And never again do we believe in being able to get on or off anything to a man. He can or he can not. In the latter case, the thing went pretty fast for us. Although: Of course, we are grateful if we are fine, if someone is nice to us. Of course we have all the romantic feelings that go with it. Only less illusions.

Prejudice # 4: Women over 40 do not get any more

Statistics are not needed for this banality: young men do it with young women and older men do it with young women as well. But do not panic: there is also the counter trend. And you do not have to be a star to attract attractive men. Since we really know what a man can do for us – and we for him, the circle of candidates widens dramatically.

The man in my arms is just the man in my arms. He is neither the enemy who wants to run away at any moment because he can not bring himself to family and other consequences. He is still a potential family man. That’s not it. Yes, I want, say women like us no longer on the registry office. The man is no longer for the luck of the world. And therefore can not disappoint so much. We do not care about his status, because we have him now. Even if he fell through with Mama – so what? She’s not talking anymore. And there is not the scissors in the head: is it fitting? Does he last a lifetime? Does it provide protection and security? The criteria have been simplified: Does he smell good? Is it fun with him? Can he occasionally serve the espresso machine? Of course, the requests have become rarer. So what? No one needs more than one at a time.

Prejudice # 5: Women over 40 want to cuddle

What. Cuddling is nice. But sex is sex. Medicine recommends it for healthy living as well as physical activity. For example, women with fulfilled sexuality suffer less during menopause and are less likely to be depressed. Sex is ideal as an anti-aging. Erica Jong quotes Rutgers University’s sexologist Professor Beverly Whipple in an essay on sex in old age: “The only thing older people have to accept in terms of sex is that sex is different: more relaxed.”

Wonderful! Sex has to do only with the moment and nothing with the world. He confirms, soothes, connects. He finally has the place to which he belongs. My friends sigh: “Pity we only know that now.” You just can not have everything: First you had the flawless body – and no idea what to do with it. Now you have a few flaws – that’s it going on again. If only we want!

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