Madita van Hülsen (l.) and Anemone Zeim founded the first agency for grief support and show: the topic of death can also be colorful!
You’re only dead when no one remembers you anymore – This saying hangs in the “memory workshop” of “Never Forget Me”Germany’s first agency for grief support in Hamburg. And this motto is also lived by the owners and grief counselors Madita van Hülsen and Anemone Zeim, who, among other things, make individual souvenirs of the deceased for their clients. You immediately feel at home in its charming, colorful interior – because the focus here is not on the dark and sad, but on hope, confidence and life.
How did you come up with the idea of starting an agency for… Grief counseling to open?
“We’ve both had a bereavement in the family and know the feeling of being at the mercy of a situation that completely overwhelms you. Even the undertaker often can’t help you – in the worst case scenario, he only wants to sell the most expensive coffin. We Both of us were able to talk to each other very well about the topic of death at the time; there were no taboo topics for us. And we thought: people who are grieving need to be given space to talk about their thoughts and feelings – in a nice environment. After all, it is a topic , which affects us all. Besides, we are a generation that decides for ourselves what we wear, what we do, where we go. Why can’t we decide for ourselves how we deal with the topic of death – even if that’s the case? is not so ‘rules compliant’.”
What does grief support look like for you?
“Most people are just coming after a bereavement to us. They have experienced something that is simply unimaginable, their lives are in complete disarray. We help these people bring order to the chaos. We want people to learn how to deal with their grief better. We listen, coach and support where we can. What we do with people in grief support is very individual. Sometimes we just talk, sometimes we play music. Sometimes we do certain exercises. What is important, however, is what after the consultation happens. How do clients implement what we develop with them? We can only fill the tank, but the client has to drive off himself.”
How do we typically grieve?
“There are different phases when grieving: First we are in shock and don’t want to acknowledge the loss. Then later comes the phase of emerging feelings, which can overwhelm and overwhelm us, then comes the re-sorting – and at some point the prospect of a new life Somewhere in between comes the important insight: Things can’t be like they used to be.”
Do men grieve differently than women?
“Yes, women have to release energy and talk a lot, men react more physically. They do sports or play games on the computer for hours. Even parents who lose a child grieve completely differently. The woman may talk the whole time and the man doesn’t know what to do. And the woman thinks her partner isn’t grieving because she can’t see it. It’s very difficult to grieve together as a couple.”
Do we mourn less when animals die?
“Not necessarily, because we mourn for what we love. For shared experiences and the future, which is different without the animal. If a dog or a cat dies, for example, the apartment is different, everything below the knee is empty, the basket “It stands abandoned. That hurts. We offer an animal bereavement meeting once a week where former pet owners can exchange ideas.”
What about the memorabilia you make?
Madita von Hülsen and Anemone Zeim create individual memorabilia for the relatives of the deceased in their agency. From an unforgettable holiday in a glass to creative pieces of jewelry.
© Forget My Never
“We think about: How can we create a particularly beautiful memory of the deceased? For example, from possessions that the relatives still have at home. For example, a woman once came to us and she brought her mother’s sweater with her. She “I would never have worn it because it wasn’t her style. But it was important to her because it was a memory. We then knitted it into a scarf – and suddenly she could wear it.”
When can you not help?
“If the grief is complicated, that is, if someone suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, the client is better off with a psychologist.”
Do you take your clients’ stories home with you in the evening?
“No, you have to separate them very clearly, you also learn that in training to become a grief counselor. The stories shouldn’t stick to you. However, we don’t just hear sad hospital stories, but also about beautiful memories.”
What were your personal sources of strength when you lost loved ones?
“Mostly the family, old and new friends. With Anemone also the music and creativity. That gave an incredible amount of energy.”
Why do so many people find it difficult to approach someone who is dealing with a bereavement?
Because it is often a confrontation with your own experiences. Many people are afraid that their repressed feelings will flare up again. Even in schools, the topic of death isn’t talked about enough – because parents don’t want it either. They want to protect the little ones from the topic. But that doesn’t help at all. Because if you don’t talk about death, it will eventually become a monster.”
Madita and Anemone have created a tutorial on how to best deal with grieving friends and colleagues and how you can support them:
How do you imagine your own funeral?
Madita: “With lots of glitter and confetti!”
Anemone: “It depends on whether I put myself or my family first. My relatives should simply come however they feel most comfortable. What you should be aware of is that there are no rules you have to follow when grieving! When my mother died, we didn’t make an old-fashioned wreath, but rather a meadow of flowers that ran across the coffin. And for God’s sake – if you have a bereavement and you have to take care of the formalities: take your time! Think about it calmly: What is important to me?“
Do you also work with children?
“Yes. For example, we have a children’s group, there are children between 3 and 6. They already understand what it’s about. There’s painting, for example – it’s very interesting how children express their sadness.”
Are you afraid of death?
Madita: “No, I’m afraid of illness, but not of death itself – although of course we all don’t know what happens there. Personally, I believe that something is left of you. It’s scientifically proven that energy doesn’t change dissolves. You can also do a lot to ensure that you don’t die in such fear. I live every day as if it were the last. Because I never want to have the feeling that I have missed something. Anyone who deals a lot with death also lives more intensely.”
Which is why a lot of people ask themselves: What do I write in a sympathy card?
“It’s impossible to really make things easier for the other person with a card. You should say with your lines: I am with you and you are not alone – or give a nice memory of the deceased. For example, you can tell a story in the card that the relative didn’t even know. Better for them Don’t look for phrases on the Internet to express your condolences – that’s trite!”