If your partner cheats, everything changes. Anger, pain and disappointment take the place of love and trust. How to know if your relationship deserves a second chance.
It’s a feeling like falling heart first into a cactus: your partner has you fling confessed. Nothing is as it was before. For many people, cheating automatically means the end. But can you turn the “relationship clock” back to zero after a confession of infidelity and that? Forgive cheating?
“An affair doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship,” says Hamburg psychologist and couples therapist Sandra Konrad. In her book “Making Love: How Relationships Succeed,” she shows that it can definitely be worth it to give the relationship another chance. But what does it matter?
Why do people cheat?
“In most long-term relationships, routine sets in after a while. You live like that – with each other, next to each other, in everyday life, on vacation, in stress, in boredom. Maybe we’re missing something. Maybe we don’t even notice it until we get to know someone who embodies exactly what we miss in our partner,” says Sandra Konrad. As a couple, ask yourself these questions honestly: What does the affair represent? What was the unfaithful person able to live out with the affair that was missing from the relationship? Only if you face the painful realities and the crisis processed togetheryou can have a chance at a real new beginning.
Can you forgive cheating?
People deliberately cheat. The first step to repairing a relationship is honesty. The fraudster must admit what he/she did and come clean. Only then can you, as a couple, begin to heal. The worst thing someone can do is make excuses or victimize themselves after doing something wrong. The answer to the question of whether you can forgive infidelity varies depends on the relationship in question. Some are strong enough to survive it, while others are broken and those affected can never restore trust and intimacy. It’s healthy to forgive, but it’s also good to set boundaries and know when you’ve had enough. Never let your happiness and worth be taken away from you.
“Hurt, anger and disappointment don’t disappear overnight. Lovesickness, distrust, insults, rage – none of that makes it any easier for the couple to get back together,” says Sandra Konrad. Before you give absolution to a person who cheated on you, ask yourself these questions:
- Can we restore what we had?
- Can I really move on without holding this grudge against him/her?
- Am I ready to let go or do I need time for myself?
- Should we seek professional help – for example couples therapy?
- Does he/she really regret the infidelity?
How infidelity affects the person cheated on
Before you answer these questions for yourself, you should understand that infidelity can have a major impact on you as a person. In addition to the pain and betrayal you feel, so can yours self-esteem Get damaged. Some people may even develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder as infidelity can cause shock within them and their relationship. Other mental illnesses such as depressions or anxiety can occur or worsen (read more here: Depression after a breakup).
In any case, the consequences of cheating are harmful. No one shakes their head and moves on with their life without feeling hurt or disappointed. The expert Sandra Konrad says: “Anyone who dismisses affairs as just random events is missing the chance to look behind the scenes of their own emotional theater.”
How to forgive cheating and heal your relationship
1. Deal with your feelings
Are you ready to forgive yet? You may feel fear, anger, betrayal, sadness, and other overwhelming emotions, but that’s okay and normal. Make sure you sit with your feelings for a while without judging them. Accepting what we’ve been through is the first step to letting go.
2. Have long, adult conversations
As soon as the situation has calmed down and normality returns, it is advisable to talk calmly about what happened. Dialogue is also suitable for this. Go through the before and after of infidelity and explain your emotions and feelings to each other. Even if you don’t want to hear each other’s version, a relationship can’t heal without good communication. If it hurts too much and you can’t have the conversation in one sitting, then split it up over two or more days.
3. Set boundaries
Every healthy relationship needs boundaries. Especially after the infidelity. The person who should set more boundaries is the betrayed one. Because this person most likely has more trust issues and fears right now. It’s best if you both decide together what you are willing to endure and what is out of the question. It can be difficult to regain trust in the other person. But that’s the crux of the matter: Relationships are based on trust. If you have to monitor your partner’s every move, you don’t trust him/her. And that means you’re probably not ready to forgive him/her.
4. Find balance
Sometimes relationships take up a lot of our time without us realizing it. Especially when we are trying to forgive cheating or have been struggling with heartbreak for a long time. Never forget to take time for yourself. Focus on your career, meet up with friends, visit your family, pursue hobbies. If you have experienced infidelity, you may lose your self-esteem. The first step to recovery is finding yourself again.
5. Do couples therapy
Relationship experts can accompany you on your healing journey. They will reveal thoughts and feelings that you never knew existed. Couples therapy can be beneficial if both parties are willing to explore each other and their relationship openly and honestly.
What can I do as a cheater to be forgiven?
- Be honest (to yourself and your partner). Do you really want a fresh start or are you just holding on to the relationship because you’re afraid of being alone?
- Listen.
- Recognize that feelings your partner as valid.
- Focus on those needs your partner.
- Hold yours accept one, no matter how small they are.
- Show your constant engagement for changes.
Conclusion: Can you really forgive cheating?
Forgetting and forgiving infidelity is not easy and you are under no obligation to overlook it and move on as before. It is up to you to decide whether you can regain trust in your partner and heal the relationship. Sometimes this isn’t possible and then it’s best to let go before the situation gets worse. Lifetime is limited, unique and extremely precious. We should never sacrifice them for something that makes us unhappy. True love doesn’t necessarily have to last forever and breakups are certainly sad, but not personal defeats.
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